Moving to Live Journal / Nagas

I'm going to try posting my online journal at Live Journal after today. Nobody reads this Blogger one, and Rune, Michelle Belanger and this other woman I'd like to corespond with are all on Live Journal. I killed my Facebook account and dropped off the True Blood forums too. I'm trying to get rid of online sites that don't serve me. My Live Journal page is here, in case anyone wants to read it or friend me.

http://persephonetoo.livejournal.com/

I've been thinking lately that the kind of otherkin I might be is a naga. The term comes from Hindu mythology, meaning a spirit (sometimes seen as a deity) who is associated with and guards springs, rivers, subteranian waters and such. They can take the form of snakes, humans or snake-human hybrids. They seem to have been water elementals originally, but then became either minor deities or just spirit beings that inhabit that particular body of water. The following is my interpretation of how they may have developed.

When the universe formed from the Big Bang, it spiraled outward in a serpentine form. Later, when plant and animal life began to develop on our own planet, our DNA also took a dual serpent form, the double helix. Later still, when the first shamans tried to envision what created our world and all the life-forms on it, they often envisioned a great, dark, Primal Sea from which sprang a Primal Serpent. This Primal Serpent then either created all Life out of itself or created a male consort, mated with it, and birthed all life from this union.

Our ancient ancestors probably didn't know about the Big Bang, atomic theory, or DNA, so how did they get so close in their descriptions of these things? Some people suggest aliens told them, but I prefer to think spirits beings that we often label as deities told them in their dreams, meditations and astral travels. I also think spirit beings have existed far longer than our physical world has, and that when our world was formed, many of them decided to come here and hang out. Many of them were and are what we might call elementals, spirits that resided in fire, water, earth, air or whatever. I think nagas were a type of water elemental that decided to associate with springs, rivers, lakes, seas, subteranian waters and etc. I think they decided to take a serpentine form either in imitation of the Cosmic Spiral (aka Primal Serpent) or because the form of a snake suited their fluid, changable nature.

Humans would then find springs and rivers and wonder what sort of divine being could have created this wonderful fresh water. Since there were often snakes nearby, they envisioned the spirits of these waters must be serpentine as well. They could have just as easily envisioned some other animal or humanoid form for the spirits protecting these sacred waters, but they almost universally saw them as serpentine. Why? Maybe because the elemental spirits associated with such waters really were serpentine. As people worshiped such spirits as deities, they then became deities. When they were seen as helpful to humans, they became helpful deities. When they were seen as vengeful or tricksters, they became vengeful or trickster deities.

Such serpentine water-spirits have been thought to exist all over the world, from the Middle East and Aisa to Europe and the Americas. Their natures and behavior in myth and legend are often similar, as well. In India and parts of Asia they're called nagas or nagini (a female naga). In other lands, they have other names. The Greek lamia can be seen as a type of naga, as can the Basque lamiak and the Slavic rusalka. They're water-spirits who are usually feminine and serpentine. Sometimes they help people. Sometimes they seduce and drown unwary men. They're usually attractive, with stunning eyes. But they can also be ugly and fearsome.

Dreams and Reality, flowing together like water.

I'm in an odd mood just now, so I felt like posting about it. I was reading my friend Rune's Live Journal where he was posting about feeling kind of sad and lonely. It's so strange to be able to read that, like reading someone's diary. It makes me want to give him a hug or send him comforting words. Yet, that post was made a couple weeks ago, so maybe it's not even relevant anymore.

I've never posted on his Live Journal, but maybe I will now. I wanted to post a link to a YouTube clip of the 1st episode of "True Blood" to Michelle Belanger's Live Journal. So, I finally signed up and posted to hers. That feels weird too. I don't really know her except through other people (Rune and Morgan). I've only met her once, so I expect she'll have no idea who I am. I mentioned at the bottom of my post that I'm a friend of Rune's, but I don't think he goes by that name among the Kheprians.

It's so odd, all the different layers of reality. The real vampire community lies hidden just below the surface of mundane reality, yet it's right here on the Internet for anyone willing to look for it. To most people, self-professed vampires are delusional freaks. But the ones I know in real life are quite sane and just live in a reality that most people don't comprehend as actually existing.

I'm glad I've lately gotten involved with some psychically sensitive people who aren't vampires or otherkin. I've been taking psychic perception classes with a guy who's sensitive and telepathic. I took him to meet my vampire friends about a month ago, and the meeting was interesting. He could tell they were vampires, as he could tell I was one, because he could feel the energy draw on his legs. He tried to create energy that he hoped they could feed on instead of feeding off people, but it didn't really work. Rune said it "tasted" sort of like Ramen instead of real food. I said I thought of it like Doritos instead of steak. Working with Rune, my friend Joey was able to create a form of energy that felt almost like prana.

The next time we had a class together, he was able to feed me some of this energy, and I could tell the difference between it and the previous stuff. It really did feel more like "food" for a psychic vampire. Later in that same class, he tried feeding me fear, because I'd said I liked fear. It felt really "yummy" and almost addictive. It made me want to go to a scary movie to feed off the audience. Still, I don't think fear is a very healthy emotion for me to feed from, even though it do really like it.

I got fired from my job of 13 years last Friday. I don't feel sad though. Mostly I just feel liberated. I hated that job most of the time I was there. I've got enough money in the bank to take care of my expenses until the begining of next year. I need to get another job, but I'm not really worried about being unemployed right now.

Rune had posted in one of his Live Journal entries about dreaming of being asked to come back to work at Macy's. When I read that, I wondered if his dream might've had something to do with my situation, because I'm hoping to go back to my old job at the blood bank.

I slept over at his house August 2nd and 3rd. On the morning of the 3rd, Rune and I both had dreams of each other, and he woke with a small set of parallel scratches on his right cheek. I think I dreamwalked to him and might have psi-fed a little from him. On August 16th I felt like I dreamt of him in a similar way, sensual, but not a regular sort of dream. Then he posted in his Live Journal about having strange dreams of thinking of going back to Macy's and of having a chuck of his hair pulled off. Then he worked a booth at the Reno Gay Pride Festival. Then I took Joey up to meet him, Mojo and Megan on Sunday, and that interaction tired Rune out further, so he had to go home to "feed" on his husband and girlfriend.

On August 25th he posted of feeling sad and lonely. On the morning of August 25, I had odd lucid dreams, but Rune wasn't in them. (There was a part where I was by my old elementary school and a man was force-feeding veal to some rabbits.) I was feeling sad that day too, though.

Sunday August 31st, I went up to Reno again and gave Rune his birthday presents, which he liked. He gave me a reading for my present, which turned out to be depressing. Then I drank absinthe for the first time and got quite high off it. Then I slept on the sofa while Rune stayed up on his laptop. When he went to bed, at dawn, I woke up and didn't really sleep again. In the morning Mojo showed me he had a weird scratch on his right shoulder, but I didn't think I'd dreamwalked to him because I didn't remember dreaming of him. I told him the last time I'd slept over, Rune had woken with a strange scratch on his cheek. Mojo said he hadn't heard that story.

This morning (Sept 8th) I dreamt of visiting with Mojo in Reno (though the area looked more like South Lake Tahoe). I told him in the dream that I got fired, but I actually felt liberated. I also reminded him that today is my birthday. I feel like I really did dreamwalk to Mojo this morning, mostly because my dream version of him felt like him.

- P.

Musings: Still Trying to Figure Out What I Am

I might be some kind of otherkin, but I'm still trying to figure out what kind. I keep exploring dreams I've had or am having to see what themes keep coming up. Are there any that seem like real past-life memories? What am I consistently drawn to? (Nature, water, and especially the sea are some things.) What animals and symbols resonate for me? What do these symbolize? Are there things that used to scare me in dreams, that now attract me instead? Are the symbols and themes that resonate most strongly with me consistant with ones associated with some particular mythical being? Do I feel like my astral body could have wings or a tail or some other shape? Is this feeling consistent? or is it more likely just some idea I'm projecting at the moment? Are my usual thoughts, feelings or reactions consistent with those of a particular non-human being? Can these thoughts, feelings and reactions be explained with more mundane explanations? (The more unusual and more convoluted explanations are less likely to be real.)

The 2 posssible types of otherkin I keep thinking I could be are lamia and Anunnaki alien.

1. When I was in college and feeling frustrated about always dreaming of being a vampire, I asked a dream guide in a lucid dream, "Am I a human pretending to be a vampire or a vampire pretending to be a human pretending to be a vampire? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I?" The guide responded with "Inanna-lamia, Inanna-lamia, Inanna-lamia. " I woke and thought that was weird. I didn't know what it meant, and still don't, but it seemed significant.

2. I had a dream in college about Lamia being a sort of ancient muse who inspired Keats and Yeats.

3. I had a couple of dreams of being an alien who crashed on Earth with others of my kind. We looked human. In one of these I had a sister who said "I hate humans". In the other one, we were in ancient times and went into a coastal city that looked Minoan or possibly Sumerian.

4. I often have dreams of evil aliens trying to take over the Earth. But when I get close to them, they either treat me like I'm one of them or try to turn me into one of them. (I think dreaming of being an alien could just symbolize feeling like I'm not like other people.)

5. I had a couple of times last year when the word "Anunnaki" popped into my head. I looked it up online and found those alien conspiracy sites where people equate the Sumerian Anunnaki with Elohim, Watcher Angels and Nephalim. (After doing some online research, I think the Watcher Angel and Nephalim myths come from the earlier Sumerian myths.)

6. I once had a dream of sea serpents coming through into our world from another dimension in the ancient past. Last year I had a couple dreams about friendly, protective sea serpents. I also had dreams about sharks, and in one dream the shark seemed sort of like a guardian or symbol of spiritual transformation.

7. I have an affinity for nature, for water, and especially for the ocean. I recharge my "batteries" at the river or by the ocean.

8. I see my primary Goddess as having a strong ocean aspect. When I was a child, I thought of and talked to the Pacific Ocean as if it were a goddess. In my dreams, a great primal sea is one way that my Goddess manifests to me.

9. In the past, I used to be scared of the ocean in my dreams, but I'm not any more.

10. In the past, I used to be scared of pits full of snakes or swamps full of crocodiles/alligators in my dreams, but I'm not anymore. Ever since I dreamt last year of a friendly black snake that I equated with the goddess Persephone, I see snakes as being symbolic of personal transformation and wisdom.

11. Spiritually, the Mother Goddess I relate best to is one of the Primal Ocean. In ancient times this force was often represented as a sea serpent (such a Tiamat). The serpent is an almost universal symbol of the original creative force. The spiral of the serpent is the spiral of the great mystery of the cycle of Life, Death, Transformation and Rebirth. The double serpent (such as Dumballa and Aiyda Wedo in Voudou) is also the double helix of DNA, the natural source of Life and Evolution on our planet.

Lamia and lamiae are represented in various ways in myth an folklore.

1. The earliest aspect of Lamia in history was as a Lybian ocean goddess with a shark or sea monster aspect.

2. In myth and legend, she is a being who can change shape between that of a serpent and a beautiful woman, who can travel in her dreams, who creates illusions, seduces men and then "eats" them or drinks their blood. (Drinking blood is often a metaphore for taking life-force.)

3. Some early Greek representations of lamiae show them as winged bird-women akin to harpies or striges. A winged aspect often represents something that can "fly" or travel in spirit form. (Maria Gimbutas says the prehistoric Mother Goddess of the primal seas is represented with both bird and serpent forms.)

4. Most representations of Lamia and lamiae are of serpent-women. A serpent aspect often represents Underworl d associations, something subtle that can sneak into one's presense, ancient fertility cults, arcane wisdom, immortality, and transformation.

5. Sumerian lili, lilu and lilitu spirits are succubi and incubi associated with the older fertility goddess Lilitu and the later fertility goddess Inanna. They're sometimes called "wind-demons" because air, wind, breath, spirit and life-force are synonymous concepts in most older cultures. (In the Epic of Gilgamesh, the Ardat Lili is a "handmaiden of Inanna" or sacred prostitute who seduces and civilizes the wildman Enkidu.)

6. Akkadian Ardat lili and Irdu lili were succubi and incubi who suduced men and women in their sleep and could take the form of serpents in order to slip unnoticed into a house. The lilitu were thought to drain men of their life-force until they would eventually die. These men who wasted away were called bridegrooms of the lilitu. (Hebrew beliefs about Lilith and her children the lilim come from these beliefs.)

7. The Greek lamiea were usually seen as non-human beings who would try to seduce unwary men and then eat them. In earlier legends they were also seen as the ghosts of young women who had recently died.

8. Keats and Yeats both wrote about spirit women who both inspired creativity and drained a man of his life-force. "Lamia" and "La Belle Dame Sans Merci" were two of Keats' poems with this theme. Keats died young of a wasting disease. Yeats resisted his "dark muse" and lived to an older age.

9. The Basque lamia/lamiak/ laminak are faerie beings who live near caves, rivers and lakes. The females are beautiful women who comb their hair with golden combs and have the feet of ducks or other water birds. (This symbolizes their connection to water.) The males are builders of bridges and castles. Neither are particularity dangerous or mischevious.

10. The first view of Lamia (the Lybian sea goddess) is probably of a primal Goddess of Life, Death, Transformation and Rebirth. The serpent Goddess of Minoan Crete is a similar representation, and from her come the Greek myths of Demeter and Persephone. I think it's clear the Minoan Goddess evolved in part from the Goddess of Catal Hayuk. She must also be connected to the Primal Serpent Creator, since Minoan priestess or goddess figurines are often shown with snakes wraped around thier arms and waists. In some myths and rituals surrounding the cult of Demeter-Persephone- Hades, Hades is represented as a serpent. Since Persephone weds him, she also has to have a serpent aspect. (This is from Joseph Campbell's "Occident al Mythology".)

- In my persona as Persephone I also have associations with the mystery of the cycle of Life, Sex, Death, Transformation, and Rebirth. When a psi-vamp friend did a tarot reading for me, I had the Death card in a prominant position. He said I'm fascinated by Death and see it as comforting. He laughed and said I was "such a freaking otherkin". When I recently had him do a birth chart reading for me, "Sex and Death" were in similar prominant positions. He says I understand my own psychological Underworld very well, and because of this I also understand other people's psychological Underworlds (the secrets that make them tick). I think there's a good bit of truth to this assesment.

What am I in terms of otherkin? Why is is so hard for me to know my core Self? I know my Self better than most people know theirs. I see into my past lives. I know which deity forms I relate to. Yet, I can't be sure if I have a true otherkin nature, and if I do, what it is. Water is part of it. The Primal Sea is part of it. Feeling alien or "not of this world" is part of it. I like the idea of being lamia-kin, but I'm not really sure what this would be. It's not a common kin-type, though it does seem to fit with my dreamwalking, my attraction to nature, water and the sea, my psi-feeding through sex and dreams, and my resonance with the mysteries of Life, Death, Transformation, and Rebirth.

In my tarot reading, my friend said that where I show up, I bring change (symbolized by Death). I think there's some truth in this assesment too. - P.

Feeling down today

I'm feeling down today. I've got so much stuff I need to do for mundane reality that I haven't been attending to doing. I realize that I do have an escapist mentality, that I procrastinate and avoid dealing with stuff when I don't want to deal with it.

This morning I tried to find an entry in one of my dream journals/diaries about a dream I remembered yesterday. It was partly about a crocodile trying to bite my dog (which I later took to be symbolic of the cancer she got) and partly about a polyamorous household. I vaguely recalled it and wondered if it might've been a premonition about my vamp and otherkin friends in Reno. I spent all day looking through and reading parts of old journals from the past 3 years, but I couldn't find it.

I ask myself what did I gain from this effort? Did I learn anything useful? It was a little interesting to review my attitude about vampires and my own prospect of being one from 2 years ago. I found the online vampire community in August 2005. The DDD board brought exciting ideas and a new spark to my life, but I fought for 2 years against the idea that I could actually be a vampire myself. I still don't embrace this idea fully. I keep doubting myself now and then.

I had many dreams from 2005 to 2007 of being a vampire or being told I was a vampire, but I kept telling myself it was all symbolic of power and freedom I wanted in my life. It's true that I did want to feel empowered, that I wished for the spark of hope I had when I was younger and believed I might someday meet the vampire from my dreams. I found the online vampire community in August 2005, was a little scared of it at first, then intrigued and fascinated. In Sept. 2005, the day after my birthday, I dreamt of dream guides telling me I had vampires in my bloodline, implying I was one myself. I still continued to fight this idea, even in the face of apparent blood/prana cravings. I avoided the DDD board for months at a time, because I felt it might encourage psychosomatic symptoms in me.

When I tried to psi-feed at a small psychic fair and had a woman sitting in front of me act uncomfortable and move to the other side of the room, this was my 1st external evidence that made me think I might really be vampiric. After I met Tony and started being more sensitve to subtle energy, I thought it might be possible, but still fought the idea. When Tony said a person is either a vampire or not, no such thing as sympathetic vampirism, I felt sick to my stomach because I didn't want to be a vampire. I had Black Dragon tell me I didn't feel like a vamp, but I didn't feel exactly like a normal human either. I had one psychic tell me I was "on the cusp" between being human and vampire. I had Rune tell me I didn't feel like a typical vampire, but there did seem to be a vampiric side to me. I had Roxy tell me I was one. I had Ithrill tell me he thought I was one. I had my roommate tell me she thought I might be one. Then I had Rune tell me I was one too. The vampire boards always say you shouldn't tell someone if you think they're a vampire or not, but people still imply whether they think someone is or isn't one. I even do it on Yahoo! Answers.

A group of my vamp + otherkinfriends came down last weekend to go to 6 Flags with me and Kathrin. It was nice having them here, and I was glad my roommate got to meet them. She saw how Rune charms people and gets them to do things for him. She saw how Kaylee liked Michelle. She saw how Mojo is very reserved and close with his emotions. And she saw that they are all nice, friendly, real people.

I pissed off someone from Yahoo! Answers yesterday. He/she had written me a private email saying he/she had met a few "ancients" and knew sangs who didn't always feed consensually. I called him/her a role-player and said I had better things to do with my time that to have long corespondance with him/her. He/she wrote back to tell me I was extremely rude, and ask how they could be a role-player when they never claimed to be a vampire in the first place. Oh, well, I shouldn't expect everyone to like me.

- P.

A Chronology of my Interests in Vampires

I was just reading a post from a vampire elist I'm on that made me wonder when did the ahkh first appear as a symbol of modern vampirism? I think it may have first appeared in Whitley Strieber's novel The Hunger, (1981). In the book, Miriame Blaylock had a tounge that could pierce flesh, but I think John Blaylock may have worn the ankh-shaped pendant. Both characters wore it in the 1983 movie.

The question on the list was why are vampires associated with ancient Egypt? Of course the Kheprians claim an ancient Egyptian heritage, as do a few other vampire groups, but in popular culture, I think the link between vampires and Egypt 1st takes shape with The Hunger (1981-83).

Then I started thinking about personal influences on my views about vampires. My musings don't seem important enough to post to the list, but they are important to me, so here they are on my semi-private blog.

c. 1970 - I'm 5-6 years old. My babysitters watch the original "Dark Shadows" and think Barnabas Collins is sexy. I don't realize it until I'm in my early 20's and the remake series shows, but this original show had an impact on my subconscious. I would often dream of a crypt in a cemetary and a wooden table in an entry hall. I also imagined a blond vampire woman named Caroline. All of these images are from the original TV series.

c. 1974? - I'm probably 9 or 10? The first vampire book I read is Camilla, by Sheridan LeFanu (1871), which I get from the book mobile at school. Around this same time I also read Black Magic, White Magic and A Wrinkle in Time. These 3 books probably play a big part in influencing my beliefs and interests: vampires, witchcraft, alternate dimensions, and maybe my bisexuality. Around this time I also became lucid in my dreams. At first when I would dream of witches or vampires, I held them off with the small gold cross I wore. Once I felt I could control them in my dreams, I no longer feared them.

1976 - Interview With a Vampire, by Anne Rice, comes out. I'm 12 years old. I don't recall when I read it, but I think I may have been maybe 13 or 14?

1978 - I read Hotel Transilvania, by Chelsia Quinn Yarbro. I'm 14. The character of the Compt de St. Germain greatly influences my view of vampires, especially the idea that he could've been a real vampire and vampires could be real, living people.

1980 - I'm 16. I begin dreaming of P. and begin believing that vampires are real. Soon after, I begin having lucid dreams of being a vampire myself. Around this time I also dream of kissing an unknown man over his solar plexus and him then crying as if this had released strong emotions in him. I didn't understand his reaction then, but now I know about chakra points.

1983? - I have what I call a "shared dream" with my biology teacher, Mr. Wulff. I dream of running into his classroom in wolf form, then turning back into human form to talk with him. He says he dreamt that I ran away from home. Around this time I think I also dream of "Green Eyes", the unknown woman from whom I drank deeply and then felt filled with energy after I woke. Months or years later, I see this woman in Weinstocks, and she looks scared of me. When I watch "The Hunger" at Tower Theater with Justin, I'm aroused by the blood-sharing scene of Miriam and Suzan. I occationally make and drink a "fake blood" mixture of hot water, crushed iron supplement, egg white and salt.

1983-1989 - While in college, I have the lucid dream in which a young vampire woman with short red-dyed hair telles me Sekhmet is a "patroness of vampires". I look up the caloric value and componants of blood. I have the lucid dream in which I ask a dream guide "Am I a human pretending to be a vampire or a vampire pretending to be a human pretending to be a vampire? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I?" The dream guide replies back, "Inanna-Lamia, Inanna-Lamia, Inanna-Lamia." At this time I theorize that real vampirism could be caused by a virus of the Herpes-Zoster family. I write as Persephone in the free ads in "The Ardvark". I get the phone call from a young woman who asks for P. by name. Toward the end of college, I dream of P. less and less.

1988 - I read Queen of the Damned while I'm on jury duty one summer. I'm taken by the name Akasha because it's so like the ones from my 2nd Lamia dream, which said 2 of the "orginal 13 witches of the world" were named "Ankh-ka" and "Ankh-con-ka" or maybe "An-Ankh-ka".

c. 1991-1992? - While working long hours alone at West Coast Laboratories, I "hear" a voice in my head that says, "The loneliness of the lighthouse". I reply mentally, "But I'm not a lighthouse." The "voice" replies back, "You will be." Around this time, I have several hypnogogic past life memories, interesting dreams, and the remote-contoled TV's turn themselves on when I walk alone into a room.

c. 1970-1990 - I usually choose to dress as a vampire-witch for Halloween. Originally it was either a vampire or a witch, but then I just wanted to be both at the same time.

c. 1992? - While working at the blood bank, I dress as a vampire-bride for Halloween, complete with bleeding "bite marks" on my neck. While working here, I dream of being offered a chance to stay with a vampire and his mother in a lucid dream. I decline, saying I have to go to work in the morning. Toward the end of my time working here, I also dream that I can sense life energy or the essense of The Goddess in vials of blood in a test tube rack.

c. 1995 - While working at Physicians Clinical Lab, I record and watch "Forever Knight" and start feeling vampiric. I dream of biting Jason and feeding a little from him. The next day he acts kind of weird toward me. I imagine he tells Maria about the dream, but I don't know for sure what he's talking about with her. Around this time, I write my poem "Trust Not Me" in honor of Jason and my "dark side". When my "blood cravings" get strong, I repress them and make them go away.

c. 1997? - I tell David about my dream vampire and explain why I avoid reading too much vampire fiction or vampire erotica. I tell him that doing this brings out a vampiric side in me that scares me. He acts like he doesn't think I'm crazy and says that when he was in the Temple of Set, they believed in a Vampire Archetype that could influence people. While I'm dating David the first time around, I sometimes feel and take in his released energy when he orgasms. I try repeatedly to dream to him and bite him in dream, but I'm never successful.

- While I'm dating Duncan, I dream of attacking and feeding from a wolfman-like monster. Duncan wakes and leaps out of bed, stares at me in horror and keeps saying, "What are you? What are you?" I get him to calm down and come back to bed. I don't tell him about my dream.

- While I'm dating David the 2nd time, I usually feel and take in his released energy when he orgasms. He says once that he's surprized I can arouse him a 2nd time so soon after he comes. I half-jokingly tell him it's because I'm a succubus.

2005 - I discover the online vampire community.

2007 - February - I take the Online Vampire and Energy-Workers Survey and decide I could actually be a vampire. I experiment with conscious psi-feeding and see a woman react uncomfortably and move to the other side of the room. July - I met my first real vampires in person. Shortly thereafter, I begin sensing energy pretty strongly and getting hunger cravings that make me feel crazy. I tell Ithril and Mojo that I think I could actually be vampiric, but I don't tell anyone else. September - Tony kicks me out of his meet-up group and I join Mojo's instead. October - I attend House Lost Haven's Blood Moon weekend and Twilight in L.A.

2007- July - I meet my first vampires in person.

2007- October - I attend House Lost Haven's Blood Moon and Twilight, LA.

2008 - May - I attend the House Rosa Beltain ritual, planning to dedicate eventually as Dusk.

- P.

Another Dream with Michelle Belanger

From my dream journal / diary (3-28-08)

I dreamt of Micheller B. this morning around 3-4 am, I think. I hadn't been thinking of her when I went to sleep, only that I wished I could get energy in my sleep, so I'd be alet today. I went to sleep arouund 1:30 am, woke from this dream feeling energized and have felt fine all day, despite being sleep deprived for weeks, since I've been addicted to Yahoo Answers. I feel like I did dreamwalk to her somehow. It was weird.

"Lying with Michelle B." (3-28- 08)

- I'm lucid and in a room full of people, too big to be a living room, but comfortable, maybe like a dorm lounge. Most of the people are lying down to sleep on sofas or mats on the floor. I sit down on a sofa. Behnd it Michelle B. is lying down on a mat, with a mostly gray blanket over her.

I say hello to her. She asks me to lie down with her. I want to, but I don't feel like it's right. I'm sort of embarassed. I tell her I have to brush my teeth first. Then I think that if I walk away to look for a bathroom to brush my teeth, I might not find her again. I think her energy is probably low and she needs to draw off someone. I'm glad to be able to help her. I say ok.

I lift off her blanket and see she's wearing a black T-shirt and soft cotton black pants like pajamas or yoga pants. I think this is what she wears for pajamas. She's not wearing glasses. I think removing the blanket has probably let out heat that she needs to conserve, so I cover her back up. The blanket forms a space over her, and I say to her, "It's like a tent."

She seems to know my real name and "calls" me by it when she invites me again to lie next to her. I slide in next to her and snuggle in against her with her behind me. She puts her arms around me. I think I really like this. I feel safe and protected and happy that she can feed from my energy if she needs it. I feel very submissive.

She asks if I'm comfortable and if she can do something to me. I say, "Yes. If I don't like it, I can tell you to stop." She seems a little surprised that I'm so compliant and that I'm essentially negotiating a "safe word". I get the impression that she didn't expect me to act like a BDSM submissive. I get the impression that she didn't expect me to be familiar with such things.

She moves her right hand down over my ass and moves it foreward until it's positioned over my base/root chakra point. I'm surprised and startled by this intimacy. I feel a little surge of fear, then tell myself that fear probably increases the energy she can feed on from me. I tell myself to go along with it and let her conrtol what she's doing. As she hold her hand over this spot, I feel a surge of sexual pleasure that I'm afraid can wake me. I tell her, "No. Don't do that." She moves her hand away for a bit.

Probably at this point I hear a sort of "voice-over" about a lecture. I think she's probably in this town for a lecture presentation. The professor is an older, tall man with glasses. I also hear her voice as she lectures about something. (I've forgotten the details because I didn't write them down as soon as I woke.)

She puts her hand back over that spot again, causing this surge of sexual pleasure again. I try to just ride it out and not get upset about it. She reaches forward just a little, so her middle finger is touching my genital area. I think she's probably trying to stir up and feed off my sexual energy, I feel like it's too much for me. I tell her again to stop. She stops for a bit, but then does it again, stirring up alot of sexual energy in me each time she touches me there. I think this is too much sexual arousal for me, and it's going to make me wake up. I tell her, "Stop, stop," but she doesn't stop.

Then suddenly I wake, feeling perfectly awake and clear-headed, even though I'd only slept a few hours. I want to go right back to sleep to be back there with her again. I want to have the feeling of being safe and secure in her embrace and letting her feed off me if she can, but without the sexual stimulation she was doing to me. I try to go back to sleep, but I don't go back into that dream setting with her. When I do wake around 5 am, I feel perfectly rested and energized.

- So what's with these dreams? Is Michelle B. just symbolic of something for me? Maybe my dream was inspired by having looked at the picture of her above? This dream felt like dreamwalking, but I'd be too embarassed to email her and ask her about it (even though Midi said I should ask her about the previous ones.) She's a celebrity, and I've only met her once in real life. I'm a fan, but I'm not a fauning, irrational fan. (No, she's not my bishee.) I do find her intriguing and attractive, though. Then too, Rune has told some interesting stories about her that make her seem even more fascinating. - This is just too weird.

Notes on the root chakra (3-30-08)

"The Root Chakra
Finally, there is a center located near the genitals. This is the Root and it is the seat of the sexual force. As such, it can be equated with Min, the ithyphallic fertility principle of ancient Egypt."
http://www.kheperu.org/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=105&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0

"The first chakra, located at the base of the spine at the perineum is the root chakra, muladhara."

"When we cut ourselves off from physical stimulation, we cut off the life-giving properties of the root chakra. Over a long period of time, this denial of the root chakra can lead to physical and/or emotional dysfunction. We will talk about this later in the chapter when we discuss kundalini energy - an energy awakened from the root chakra."

"An imbalance or weakness in the root chakra can lead to feelings of fear of instability, abandonment, and insecurity, as well as a depletion of vital energy. Yet it also controls sensations of bliss, both physical and mental, and fuels the will to survive, to find safety, and to accumulate material wealth. Because of this, it is often associated with one's choice of profession. When, through various forms of meditation the root chakra begins to open and energize, there is often a sensation of heat in the abdomen or third eye area. You may experience heightened emotions or empathic sensitivity when stimulating the root chakra...."
http://raphiem.com/bms/sp_chaklife.php

- P.

Psychic and Sexual Energy (before I knew about real vampires)

I've been wanting for a while to record dreams and experiences from my journals that hint at psychic vampirism, from before I knew about real vampire forums. Anshar mentioned when I was at Blood Moon that I should look at my old journals. It was kind of odd when he said it, because he was doing that sort of intuitve interview process that he does. He asked me sort of out of the blue if I ever kept a journal. I said I did. Then he said I should look at my old journals. When he said it, I'd been talking about traveling with Mom in Europe. Then I thought of a statue I'd drawn from out of the window of my hotel room in Florence. I still think of that drawing when I think of that conversation. I don't know why. I don't think it was a drawing of an angel, but Anshar always reminds me of a beautiful fallen angel.

Most of my older journals are in a bag somewhere, but I'm not sure where. The oldest ones I have easy access to right now are from 1998. The following are excepts that hint at psychic vampirism.

Possible psychic attack by my mother. (9-26-98)

...I went over to the house on Friday after work, planning to move out some junk. Mom was there. I went inside and saw she had another note for me. She ordered me to sit down and read it. I told her I didn't need to sit down to read it. She told me again to sit down. I grabbed the note and headed for the door, telling her I wasn't going to sit down and didn't want to be bossed around.

She came toward me saying I let those "other people" boss me around. I told her, "Get away from me!" and tried to move past her to leave. She said, "Why? Am I some kind of monster?" I tried again to move past her. She backed up and stood in the doorway of the kitchen, her arms out, trying to block my exit. I pushed past her. She grabbed my arm, trying to stop me from leaving. I pulled away, walked out the front door, got in my car and left.

I was upset that she had tried to keep me from leaving the house. I had felt panic at first, especially when I'd told her, "Get away from me!" But I had managed to get away from her now and was beginning to feel better. I was glad I'd run out of there, rather than letting her trap me. My left arm was hurting too, in a strange way, where she'd grabbed it. I knew it wasn't a physical pain, but rather some kind of psychological or psychic energy thing....

Note the following has adult content.

Sex and Energy - part 2 (10-11-98, Sunday)

...I went over to visit with David yesterday. We had a short session, but it was still good for me. I didn't orgasm, but at one point when I was on top, I felt like I could feel the energy rise from him and up through me. That seemed almost like a tantra thing to me.

There are times when I'm having sex with David when I feel like we could almost reach tantric levels of sexual bliss (that seems like the best word), except that because this isn't his primary romantic relationship, I think he's afraid of getting "too close" with me. - The first time M. and I had sex (and to a lesser degree the other times), I allowed myself to feel the divine sexual energy flowing between us and growing.

I love sex, but most especially when I can feel the divine energy in it, a God and Goddess energy of primal creation, a tantric energy of spiritual union. I love to be able to embrace sex as a powerful, positive energy source, - but my poly relationships seem to make this avenue of exploration, growth and power difficult to approach....

- P.

Dreamwalking and Vampires

I had a couple of dreams with Michelle Belanger in them not long ago. She is probably symbolic for me of real vampires, but she's also someone who dreamwalks. Since I've met her, she's symbolic for me, and we have a mutual friend in Rune, it's possible that I could dreamwalk to her.

Here's my dream about her from 1-25-08. This was right after I'd been listening to some Shadowdance podcasts the night before, listening to her voice on the podcasts.

- I'm in the house I grew up in and I walk into the middle bathroom. Michelle B. is there drawing a bath. I think I want to bathe in this water as a cleansing ritual for myself, but I don't actually do it. - She's in a later part too, but I can't recall it after I wake.

"Michelle B. Pregnant" (2-2-08)

- I'm at my old house and Michelle B. is visiting here. Later, someone tells me she's pregnant. (I think that could symbolize her working on a new book.) [I later found she's requesting submissions for the 2nd volume of Vampires In Their Own Words.] - In a later part of the dream, I'm walking through a store like Target or K-Mart, looking for some nice, black, vampy-looking clothes, like a nice top and long skirt for evening wear. I can't find anything, only a few scarves of various colors that I think might be made into a halter top.

I wrote at the DDD board that bathtubs in my dreams seem to have something to do with self-identity. If a cleansing ritual is a symbolic rebirth, then Michelle B. could symbolize here a sort of symbolic midwife to a change in my self-identity. She represents in part my understanding of real vampirism. I identify with how she doubted she was vampiric and kept testing that theory when she was younger. I identify with her love of knowlege, words and writing. I identify with her desire to make real vampirism more accessable and understandable to non-vampires too.

At the last Reno meetup, I told Midi that I'd dreamt of Michelle B. and wondered if it could've really been her. She said I should email her and ask her if she dreamt of me too. She said one of the other women in the group had dreamt of her before, and when she asked Michelle B. about it, she said she had dreamt of her too. I told Midi that I didn't feel like I could email her because I'd only met her once and didn't feel like I knew her well enough to do that.

- P.

Curiouser and Curiouser....

In the past year, every so often, I feel like my sense of Reality has just shifted. Probably most people will never know this feeling. The world seems pretty much the same for them day after day, year after year. When one's paradigme of reality begins to shift, though, it doesn't happen all at once. - Or at least it hasn't happened that way for me.

The first small shift came when I found there were vampire websites and forums on the Internet. The next one came after I met my first real vampires in person. The next one came when I started to think I might be one myself. The one I think I'm hitting now is from thinking on what sort of otherkin I might be and wondering if I might be nephilim or something like that.

The point I'm trying to make here isn't whether any of these things are true. It's that as I start to accept new possibilities for what can be real, my whole sense of reality is changed. It's sort of like being in your normal world one day, then waking up in an alternate reality the next day. It's sort of like being Alice in Wonderland, where nothing in this new world is quite like you'd expect it to be.

I also find that as I hit each of these new shifts in my perception of reality, the process goes in similar stages. First it's curiosity and excitement over new ideas and possibilities. Then it becomes an obsession, where I have to find out as much as I can about something. When it starts to make sense to me, I want to share what I've learned with other people. (This is a way of bringing my new, weird and wonderful knowlege into my seemingly more real world.) Then I start to get used to this new reality, so it starts to seem normal to me. Then I remember that I didn't used think this way. I get a period where I think, "Oh my God, this is real!"and I want to turn away from it to reclaim a sense of normalcy for a while. Then I accept that this new reality is just as much a part of my life as my old one was, and I intigrate it as a sort or new "normal" for me. And then, every once in a while, I have to remind myself that all of this stuff that seems normal to me now, still is not normal or accepted as real by almost everyone else.

I keep thinking I'd like to be a sort of dream-walking succubus, partly because feeding in dream can be one of the most exilerating feelings I have. Then I found that I couldn't dream-walk at will like I used to when I was in high school. I also felt a little guilty about even trying to get into the dreams of people I know. I kept trying, though.

Sunday night as I went to sleep, I tried to focus on a coworker as a target. Monday morning I had a brief dream with him in it. I told him at work that I'd dreamt of him. He said he'd dreamt of me too. That's pretty good evidence for me having dream-walked to him, I think, though his dream and mine were not quite the same. In my dream, he and I were standing inside a tent that was very much like a big four-poster bed. I don't recall the dream getting explicitly sexual, and I think that segment ended with me just shifting into another dream scene. In his dream, it was explictly sexual and ended with me falling asleep.

I think it's possible that when my consciousness leaves a dream or dream scene, this could sometimes be perceived by others in the dream as me falling asleep. I know that closing my eyes in the dream is one way that I consciously leave a scene and enter a new one. Also, one time when I seemed to terrify a woman I met in a dream and probably fed too deeply from her, she passed out in the dream and collapsed on the floor. I think I saw her in waking life later, and while she did look scared of me, she seemed otherwise fine. Maybe her passing out in the dream was her way of leaving her perceived nightmare of a vampire feeding on her?

Anyway, after talking with my coworker today and hearing his brief description of our possible shared dream, I think he wouldn't mind if I tried it again. He's already told me that I can energy-feed from him in waking life, as long as I give him candy bars as payment. I also know he's not getting as much sex as he'd like in waking life, so if I turn it into a sexual dream encounter, I could probably feed quite easily off him in dream as well. I don't think he'd mind, so I'm going to try it again, and I'm not going to let myself feel guilty about it.

Today at work he suggested I could be "one of those vampires that has sex with people in their sleep". I told him the word was "succubus". I thought that I might actually be able to do this, have the other person remember it, and thus prove to them that I can do it. This thought made me hit another one of those reality paradigme shifts. If I can do this, have another person experience it, and have them accept that it's real, then I won't just be the weird person who thinks she's a vampire or succubus. In effect, I'll really be a succubus.

Which, by the way, doesn't rule me out from being a nephilim as well. As far as I'm concerned, a succubus or incubus, dream-walking or in waking life, is just another flavor of psi-vamp. Also, at least some vampires or vampiric people are also some kind of otherkin.

- Persephone

Dream - "Breaking the Rules and Winning the Game"

I always think no one will ever read this blog. If they do, this entry will likely seem silly. I've been trying to figure out what I might be, as far as some kind of otherkin. Part of this search is looking into my dreams for answers. Last night, after finding that Lilitu poem and some other stuff online, I felt like I was getting close. My dream this morning had an answer too, but not what I would've expected. I'm going to post it here, mostly just so I can send it to a friend after it's been cleaned up and made more readable.

"Breaking the Rules and Winning the Game" (1-20-08)

- At first I'm visiting with Ozzy and Sharon Osbourn from the MTV reality show, and they're staying in a house that they're about to leave. [I'm not going into detail on this part because the dream is long enough without it. The Osbourns seem to represent people who live unconventionally and don't follow society's rules.]....

...Now this whole entourage of people start walking somewhere. I know this is a dream and decide to find out where this journey will lead. Before we get far from the house, I decide to show everybody that I can fly. I fly up and do a couple of somersaults in the air. They all see I have this ability, but they don't get upset about it, nor do they think it's especially cool.

We walk through a field of dry, yellow grass. A young man with me picks some of this grass and hands it to me. I look at it and see it has little seeds on it's stalks. I keep it in my hand.

Someone mentions bats. I look to my right and see a swarm of bats fly out of an opening in a building or rock wall, like out of a cave. When the bats come near us, I throw the dried grass I've been holding up into the air in front of them. The bats stop in mid-flight, sensing the bunch of dried grass, then move out around it and continue on to my left. I realize the bats won't hurt us, but I'm still scared they could give us rabies or something.

I stand under the eaves of a building with the man on my left. One bat separates from the rest of it's group and flies under the eaves near me. It's gray, slightly larger than a squirrel, but smaller than a rabbit or cat. It flies right next to me, in front of my chest, and brushes against me. I feel that it's fur is soft like a cat's. It seems friendly, and I'm glad this one has come to brush up against me. It leaves now to join the rest of it's group.

I look out at the other bats in the air and see they are all covered with the dry grass I threw into the air. I hope it didn't hurt them or confuse their sonar. It looks like a cloud of dry grass hovering in the air, instead of a swarm of bats.

We continue on our journey until we come to a place where the ocean or a river is on my left and the trail moves off to the right, taking a narrow path that winds around a mountain. I lag behind the rest of my group, looking at the water to my left. Someone says there's a monster made of salt water in the river and it can come out and grab people. I'm sort of scared of this monster, but I'm also drawn to the symbology of water and the ocean.

Ahead of me on the trail there's a double metal trap door in the ground and another in the side of the mountain beyond

.I realize that I'm scared of the salt water monster behind me, scared of the monster that could be inside the mountain, and scared of the trap door right in front of my feet. I decide to break the rules and fly out over the chasm in front of me, cut off the corner that goes by the double doors in the mountain, and catch up with the rest of my group.

As I fly past this turn in the path, I say to the young man who is a sort of guard at this point, "Heroes and people who break the archetypes are allowed to break the rules." I cut off the corner and land back on the trail behind the rest of my group.Now another set of doors open in the side of the mountain. A young man comes out and tells me to come with him, I wonder if the people running this test are going to try to punish me for breaking the rules. I think they can try to punish me if they want, but they won't hurt me.

I follow the young man back inside the mountain. The doors to the outside world close behind us. I ask him," What's going to happen to me? Am I going to be punished? What happens to people who break the rules?"

He stops, turns to me and says, "They win the game. The people who break the rules win the game." Then he embraces me and kisses me. I feel the warmth and affection of his embrace. I'm surprised, but happy that I made the right choice.

Then I ask him, "But what do they win?"

He says they get to be the new ruler. A woman comes from around a corner in front of us and says the rulers here rule for 18 years.

I wonder if having a set period of time means the rulers are ritually killed at the end of that period. I ask as much, and the woman says yes. I ask, "What if the person says they don't want to be the king?"

She says, "Then they have to pick someone else to rule in their place."

I think, "Great, so I'm either supposed to accept this or pick a friend to take my place." I was hoping that if I declined, then the current ruler could continue to rule and not be killed. I decide that I'll have to accept the title of ruler then, even though I don't want to be a leader.

Now two of my friends, two young women, appear beside me. The young man asks which of us would like to rule. I raise my hand and say, "I'll do it, but I'm not a ruler by nature." I say, "I'm not a leader or a follower. I go my own way. I'm the one who, when everyone else is following the path up the mountain side, says, 'Do-do-do. I'll go up this way instead," and goes up the side of the mountain."

I say, "I know what I am now," thinking of how I've been trying to figure out what I am. I say, "I'm a goat." Then I wake.

Notes + Interpretation:

Flying up and showing people that I can fly represents owning my power and not being afraid of what others will think of me.

The field of dry grass and taking some of this in my hand represents the Death part of the cycle of seasonal renewal. The grass must be dry in order for the seeds to be sown.

The swarm of bats that comes out of the cave-like opening can represent vampires, but also represents all that is comfortable in the night and darkness. The bats have sonar, so they can sense danger and obstacles in their path before these become a problem. That the bats flew in a swarm represents community (probably the vampire community). That one broke off to come investigate me shows they also have individual will and freedom. That this one was gentle, soft and brushed up against me shows that I was recognized or accepted as one of it's kind. (The bats didn't touch anyone else in the group.) I don't know why the dry grass stopped the bats, then clung to their fur and disguised them as a cloud of dry grass.

The river I pass represents movement and change, but it's also associated with the primal ocean through the symbol of the salt water monster. (Salt water represents the ocean, but also the tears that Lilitu cried in that poem I read last night. Her tears created the Tigris and Euphrates and also brought all the dead plants and the two lions back to life.) The idea of the sea monster references the idea of a primal sea serpent of creation. In this dream the monster was amorphous and could reach out with an amoeba-like arm to grab someone to eat. (This is a bit like a vampire's tendril, which can reach out to take energy from someone.) I was both scared of and attracted to this salt-water monster. I decided it could probably hurt me and decided to stay away from it. (When I'm scared of this monster here, I'm probably actually scared of being like this monster,)

Now I find myself in a conflict between wanting to move forward, being afraid to go backward, being afraid of unknown dangers that might lie ahead, being afraid of traps in my path, wanting to be part of the group, wanting to "follow the rules" and not get in trouble, and wanting to go my own way and thus own my power and free will. I decide to go my own way by flying fearlessly over the chasm and side-stepping the perceived dangers in front of me. When I say "Heroes and people who break the archetypes are supposed to break the rules, I'm referencing Joseph Campbell and Robert Moss telling how mythic heroes and shamans are expected to break the rules. I'm also referencing telling Rune this after I told him playing his RPG as an NPC felt like "cheating". I'm rewarded for this choice in this dream by being taken inside the mountain, embraced and kissed, and told that I have won the game.

I question even this reward, though, and wonder if it's something I really want. Winning this particular game means having to be a leader, having to be responsible for other people, and having to be responsible for how my actions are viewed by others. I don't really want this much responsibility, but I don't think it's fair to dump it on someone else either. I accept the responsibility of being a leader in this dream, even though I see it as a form of self-sacrifice (the reference to ritual regicide). (A person who stands out as being different and who calls attention to himself is more likely to be ridiculed or attacked than the person who hides in the shadows. The Japanese have a saying that "the nail that stands up, is hammered down.")

The woman saying that if I don't decide to be the ruler here, then I have to pick someone else to rule in my place, references the myth of Inanna's descent into the Underworld, here represented by being inside the mountain. In the myth, Inanna chooses her husband Damuzi/Tammuz to go in her place, rather than her friend and servant Ninhursag. The young man who keeps appearing in different places in this dream probably represents the Son-Lover/Dying God like Damuzi/Tammuz. In this dream, I also will not substitute a friend, but I won't substitute the young man either. I decide I will have to be the sacrifice myself - which is more in keeping with the symbology of Persephone than with that of Inanna.

I find it particularly amusing that in this dream, after I've been wanting so badly to figure out what kind of otherkin I might be, I say, "I know what I am now. I'm a goat." Of course, this doesn't mean I'm goat-kin. The term "goat" refers here to the saying that people are either wolves, sheep or goats - those who control things and do the eating, those who follow blindly and get eaten, and those who refuse to play by those rules and make up their own. It also means I'm stubborn and independent-minded. (I'm a Virgo with Capricorn rising and my moon in Scorpio.)

- Persephone

Updates + Musings

Wow, it's been a really long time since I posted an entry here.

I'm still trying to figure out what I am, but I don't get those insanely intense bouts of "hunger" anymore. I realized that part of my problem probably comes from what an iradologist called "delicate blood glucose" levels. So, if I eat protein, eat regularly, and don't eat too many simple carbs, my symptoms of what seems to be pranna hunger don't get too bad.

On the other hand, I do think I energy feed, but probably not as frequently as a pure psychic vampire would. I had an aura photo taken at one of the psychic fairs and showed it to a few self-professed vampires who agreed with me that it doesn't look like the aura of a classic psychic vampire. Maybe I'm some kind of otherkin that has a vampiric side or maybe I'm just a human who has a vampiric side. I don't feel non-human, but some of my dreams of what could be an early incarnation on this Earth are a little unusual. I won't go into that because it's complicated and just speculation.

One of the ideas I keep turning around in my mind is that I might be some kind of succubus. This doesn't mean I'm some gorgeous seductress who has sex with every guy around or that I often and easily slip into other people's dreams to have metaphysical intercourse with them and drain them of life energy. (I only wish I could, because the few times I have dreamt of doing something like that, the energy rush was fantastic.) What being a succubus means to me is that I dreamwalk and feed in dreams sometimes, that I'm somewhat empathic and can probably turn that to a sort of "reverse empathy" where I turn up other people's emotions, that I can feed on sexually charged energy, and that when I do feed on sexually charged energy it dosn't seem to hurt the other person.

I had a dream back in college, where I was lucid and talking with a dream guide. At the time, I was getting frustrated with all my dreams of being a vampire and wanted to know why I kept dreaming of this. I asked him, "Am I a human pretending to be a vampire or a vampire pretending to be a human pretending to be a vampire? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I?"

The dream guide responded with "Inanna-Lamia-Inanna-Lamia-Inanna-Lamia".

I then woke and thought that was a very weird answer. I didn't know what I meant, but I remembered it.

I've never thought or felt I was a goddess. I've never thought or felt I was some kind of supernatural creature. I've tried to find links between the Sumerian goddess Inanna and the Greek and later English idea of the Lamia, though, and I've found some.

In another dream from around the same time, I dreamt that Lamia was a sort of immortal muse who inspired Keats and Yeats. Keats wrote "Lamia" and "La Belle Dame Sans Merci", both of which are about vampiric figures. In the letters at the end of my book on his poetry there are also references to discussions about strange, otherworldly beings. Yeats, who lived later, also wrote about this idea of a dark, vampiric muse. I don't think I knew this when I had this dream.

I look back at the ancient vampiric, succubus/incubus demons of Sumerian myth and see parallels with modern vampires and with the Leanana Sidhe. There are also linguistic and symbolic connections from the Sumerian/Akkadian "ki-sikil-lil-la-ke", "lili", "lilu", "lilitu", "ardat-lili" and "irdu-lili" to the Hebrew Lilith and lilim and then to the Greek "Lamia and lamiae. On a webpage I found today it says:

"Another Lilith-prototype, Lilitu, is a star actress, of first rate, in the corpus of Babylonian spells, where she appears as a lust demoness. The incurable patients, which get wasted with no remedy, are called in these spells the bridegrooms of Lilitu, and they recall to us the victims of vampyrism, which, under the stress of her parasitic kisses, languish slowly, until they join their lover in the bosom of death. "

This description sounds to me much like dark muses who were thought to both inspire and drain Romantic poets. From a cached page called "Angels and Daimons" comes this description:

"For the poet, the daimon is his or her Muse, who is at the very least a mixed blessing. Keats painted portraits of his Muse in Lamia and The Belle Dame sans Merci: white-skinned, cold, irresistibly alluring figures who seduce the poet, drain him like a vampire for their own purposes, and leave him "alone and palely loitering". For, once she is awakened, the Muse will drive relentlessly to become the centre of the personality, casting aside whatever we think of as ourselves. The rewards in terms of achievement can be enormous, but they are also dangerous; and everyday life, with its little comforts and satisfactions, can be a casualty. As the late Poet Laureate, Ted Hughes, writes feelingly in Winter Pollen (1994), the Muse "from earliest times came to the poet as a god, took possession of him, delivered the poem, then left him." It was axiomatic, he says, that she lived her own life separate from the poet's everyday personality; that she was entirely outside his control; and that she was, above all, supernatural."

I read somewhere that the lilim of Jewish folklore are supposed to latch onto their human lovers so strongly that it takes a writ of divorce to be freed of them. That reminded me of how I felt I had a metaphysical link to and kept dreaming of my own ex-boyfriend long after we'd broken up. I felt like I still had a "right" to dreamwalk to him and feed off him if I could. It wasn't until after he told me he'd remarried, that my link to him finally seemed to be more or less severed. Was I feeding from him like a succubus when I dreamt of him? I don't know, but it seems possible.

I posted the following to my Meetup group's list. It's long, but it describes how I felt like I was energy feeding last Halloween day. It also shows why I think I might be something like a succubus.

The whole weekend at Blood Moon I barely slept and didn't eat that much, but I was still buzzing like I was on caffeine much of the time. I attribute this to the many otherkin in the house, as well as to the natural energy of the lake and surrounding environment. I didn't start to feel a normal food hunger level until the 2nd day I was in LA for the Twilight gathering. Then, after staying up most of the night with a bunch of vampires at the event, I was hungry again in the morning and went out and bought a juice drink for breakfast.

The driver of the van that took me back to the airport that day threw out my drink as I got into his van. I couldn't really blame him for wanting to protect the interior, but I had hoped a juice drink with protein in it would help control my other hunger. The driver and I talked pleasantly together for much of the trip, but after we picked up another passenger, the driver asked what kind of group the event I'd gone to had been for. I told him "Vampire". This didn't immediately end our conversation, but it did stop shortly thereafter.

I started to feel really hungry then. I ate some chocolate I had in my purse, but still felt hungry and felt like I was drawing energy off the driver. He got quiet and so did I. I tried not to pull energy off him, but I felt like I couldn't control it. My head felt weird, not quite a headache, but almost. Then I noticed the driver kept brushing the top of his head with his hand, like maybe his head felt weird too. Finally we got to the airport, I paid him his tip and left.

At the airport I still felt hungry, so I ate a double bacon cheeseburger and some orange juice. I still felt hungry after that.

On the plane I sat behind a young couple. I noticed the man lean into the woman's neck as he talked to her and I decided to try to sense his energy the way I'd sensed [the guy's] at Rune's energy perception meet-up. [That guy] had "tasted" to me of vanilla ice-cream. The man in front of me reminded me at first of strawberry whip cream, either strawberry and vanilla or cherry and vanilla. I focussed on the vanilla and this "scent" became stronger. Since I was still hungry and wanted to test if I might be some kind of succubus, I focussed my thoughts on the man and tried to arouse and intensify his amorous feelings toward his girlfriend. It seemed to work, though it's possible he and she would've behaved as they did whether I'd willed it or not.

I kept thinking toward him thoughts like: "She smells good. She's warm and soft. Think of how her skin smells. Think of the taste of her skin. Think of her kissing your neck. You want to kiss her skin. Think of how warm and soft her body feels against yours...." I did this for almost the whole flight back to Reno, including thoughts of them touching each other under the blanket across their laps. They never saw me looking at them and never noticed me, but I saw him nuzzle her neck repeatedly and both of them whisper into each other's ear. At the end of he flight he stood and raised his eyebrows at her to indicate amorous thoughts of more things he'd like to do with her when they were alone together. Both of them seemed happy.

For myself, I enjoyed the display and felt the spark of amorous feelings within myself as I obsevred the couple. I no longer felt hungry, tired or headachy when we landed. I also had plenty of energy to drive home to Sacramento and to stay up and watch a couple of scary TV shows before going to sleep.

Of course, I don't know if the couple would've behaved as they did had I not been trying to project amorous thoughts toward them. I don't know if the driver of the van was feeling weird because I was feeding off his energy. Two days later, while I was writing in my journal in the cafe at Borders, I don't know if I was the cause of one man falling asleep with his finger poised over the page of his book, then staring accusingly at me and following me out to my car when I left. I can't prove any of this, but to me it seems like more than just coincidence.

- Persephone

I'm still Fucking Hungry, but food doesn't help

I'm either Fucking crazy delusional or I'm a vampire that doesn't know how to feed.

I had cereal for breakfast, but I was still "hungry". I had cottage cheese and yogurt with live cultures, but I was still "hungry". I had a bottle of pomegranite juice, but I was still "hungry". I had a roast beef sandwich and a lemonade, but I was still "hungry. I hung out at the East/West Books Healing Arts Fair, but I was still "hungry". I took the dogs to the river for a couple of hours, but I was still "hungry". I ate a stir fry dinner of beef and vegitables, 2 small apples and some gummie bears, but I'm still Hungry!

It's not PMS because it's after my period. I keep thinking, "I'm hungry", but eating food doesn't make this feeling go away. In fact, when I got half-way through my sandwich, I wanted to put it away because I didn't want it anymore. But I made myself eat it anyway. Then I felt kind of sick to my stomach, but I still felt like I was sort of "hungry" too.

I'm irritable. I have a small headache that comes and goes. I feel like I want to scream. I thought that if I went to the river, I could pick up some ambient energy there that would make this damned distracting "hunger" go away. But it didn't go away.

It's been over 2 weeks this time around. I've lost track of exactly how long I've been feeling this way this time around. Maybe it's been almost a month? I think it started getting worse when I couldn't get my co-worker into sexually themed conversations, first because we had a new girl in the lab, then because he was on vacation for a week, and then because I just couldn't get the right time and setting to do that with him like I'm used to doing.

I wonder if taking St. John's Wort would help? I haven't wanted to take it because I'm not feeling depressed and I wanted to feel my authentic feelings, rather than muted ones. St. John's Wort isn't like perscription antidepressants and doesn't mute emotions as much as they do, but it's still got a traditional reputation for dispelling "evil spirits", so I was afraid it might mess with my psychic abilites or ability to sense energy.

Maybe drinking alcohol would mute this "hunger"? But I don't want to get into the habit of drinking every evening just so I won't feel like a hungry vampire. It might not even work. And it might keep me from being able to dream-walk if I need to do that.

I wish I could dream-walk at will and feed off someone of my choosing. When I dream of feeding off someone, that's usually when I seem to get the most energy and the hunger goes away for a couple of days at least, but usually longer. If I could choose who to feed off tonight, I think I'd try to feed off my ex-boyfriend. Maybe then he'd believe me about this vampire stuff, but probably he still wouldn't.

This is a pretty elaborate self-delusion, if that's what it is. Why would anyone want, even subconsciously, to feel irritable, headachy and weirdly "hungry" day after day with little relief. Then too, even feeling like this, I have to try to act normal. I don't get any positive reaction from telling my co-workers that I'm feeling hungry and irritable and distracted, or from "losing it" and snapping at one of them. I've only admitted to feeling like this to a couple of vampires online, and never to any of them in person.

I've actually been trying to maintain my status in the group and on the boards as a "normal human". I don't want to start calling myself a vampire. I don't want to call myself a vampire, but eventually I might have to.

- Persephone

"On the Cusp" ???

Some excepts from my diary this week:

Sept. 9, Sunday, 8:30 pm - 2 Readings about Vampires -

I went to the Holistic Living Expo today and ended up having readings by 2 women who believe in and aren't freaked out by vampires....

...when I asked the 1st woman why 2 vampires [who I've met recently] said I didn't feel like a vampire, but didn't exactly feel like a normal human either, she said that's because I'm "on the cusp" and I could go either way. But they'd all been "on the cusp" at one time too.

Sept. 12, Weds. 7:50 pm - Calling? -

I was hungry at work. When I came home, I took a shower and a nap. Just now and pretty much the whole time I was asleep, I felt like I was connected to others, especially to the people in my group and other vampires. I feel like there's this deep connection or wordless communication, maybe like I'm calling to whoever is meant to "hear" this call and respond to it. This is not something I'm doing consciously, but I feel it intensely, on a non-verbal, spiritual level. My dreams felt like there was this "calling" in them too. I feel like something is trying to communicate with me, but whatever I'm getting is not on the verbal or symbolic level that I'm used to getting.

Sept. 14, Friday, 5 pm - Hunger? -

My throat's been bothering me alot lately. I don't know if it's allegies of what. When I got those 2 Reiki sessions, the practitioner said it felt like a throbbing energy in my throat. It could be just from sinus drainage, but in the last month, I often feel like I have this weird hunger that's centered in my throat instead of in my stomach. Maybe it's not hunger at all, but it feels like a hunger that food does little to abate. I'm eating normally, but I still feel this "hunger" that makes me tense and irritable.

I don't really know how to energy-feed and I'm not going to blood-feed..., so I don't really know what to do about it, except try to eat healthy, get enough sleep, go out to the river once in a while, and just keep track of how I'm feeling and anything that seems to help.

I was so incredibly "hungry" and irritable yesterday that I had to go straight to the river after work and sit and lie there for an hour and a half. [I hadn't been to the river in over a month.] It was almost instinctual how I took a sheet from the back seat and headed straight to a quiet, secluded spot right next to the water. I sat there cross-legged with my eyes closed for a long time, then lay curled up on the sheet with my head on my purse for a while, sat cross-legged for a while longer, then walked a little on the paths, while eating wild rose hips and blackberries.

I won't call myself a vampire, but I feel more and more like I could be one sometimes. At one point while I was seated on the damp sheet on the wet sand, a heavy, middle-aged man in a red shirt was in his boat in front of me, trying to start his engine. I just wanted to suck in and feed on his energy if I could have. I felt like a hungry vampire, and I wondered if I felt like a hungry vampire to him.

I really don't try to feed on people energy unless it's ambient and maybe I can breathe in some of it. It's hard, because I don't see energy and usually I can't feel it much either. I sort of don't want to practice energy-feeding techniques, partly just because I'm lazy, partly because I don't want to start thinking I'm a vampire if I'm not one, and partly because I think that if I really needed to feed on energy my body (or energy body or whatever) would know how to do it instinctually. I don't know if I really have a need to energy-feed or if this is all a psychosomatic product of an over-active imagination. I'm still trying to figure out what's real and what's not....

The head organizer of my vampire meetup group posted another event to the board late last night. I read it at work today. It's for a blood-feeding gathering in January, and it sounds really freaky, scary and "deep", as my co-worker would say. My first impression on reading about it was that I want to go. My second thought was that I shouldn't want to go, that this is too intense and serious and it should scare me alot more than it does. I thought, I don't belong there, because this is an event for real blood-drinking vampires, not for currious and interested "normals". He posted that this event is usually just for vampires only, but he was going to allow otherkin and "normals" from our group, as long as they're very open-minded....

I'm intrigued and excited by the idea of going. A part of me fantasizes about it, but my rational side tells me I should rein that side in. Things could really get out of control in such an environment....What if I go to such an event, thinking I can stay in control of myself and find myself "vamping out" or virtually vamping out? By "Virtually vamping out", I mean that I might be so attracted by the sight, smell and idea of drinking blood that my heart rate goes up, my breathing gets fast and shallow, my eyes dialate, my senses get distorted and overly focused, and I think all of this is because I'm a real vampire, rather than just because I'm working myself up psychosomatically to feel like I'm one.

Another woman in the group and I both say we're not vampires, but we both get "blood cravings" occationally. She writes about it like it's perfectly normal to get blood cravings when she feels jealous or powerless in her life. I keep thinking my own weird hunger-like feelings, "blood cravings", thoughts that I want blood, or apparent symptoms are absolutely not normal. They don't really prove anything either, though, because they could all be psychosomatic.

- I bought a small black onyx pendant and black onyx ring today at East/West Books, because I read that onyx helps pull in energy for healing or for whatever one needs it for. I thought that I really seem to need energy and I don't seem to be able to pull it in on my own very well, so maybe the onyx stones will help me....

I stopped by to see Mom today and she pissed me off, which is another reason why I bought the jewelry. I'd told her I'd gone out to a nightclub with some friends. She said my going out to a nightclub was "garbage" and I shouldn't waste my money on going to a nightclub when I can't even pay my bills. However, she's wasting her money on sending me the local newspaper and some woman's magazine, neither of which I want. She says I need to read these things so I know what's going on in the world. I told her there are only so many hours in the day, and I've decided not to spend them on reading the newpaper and magazines right now. It's like every time I find some interest in my life that makes me happy, she has to knock it down and say it's a waste of my time, money or thoughts. She doesn't know anything about the vampire stuff. But she still wants to critisize and control me, even when she doesn't even know what I'm really doing.

- Persephone

I HATE this weird hunger!

I was not quite 16 when I first dreamt of a particular vampire who I've always felt was real. Not long ago I ask about him of a psychic I trust (without using the V-word). She said he was like a spirit guide, but also someone I knew in a past life and connected to someone I'd meet in this life. She said I'd recognize this person because he'd feel the same as the man in my dream, even though he wouldn't look the same.

I've always known the feel of vampires in my dreams. Rarely, I thought I could recognized them in waking life, but I'd always told myself I couldn't be sure and it was probably just my imagination. Now I know better. I've met self-professed vampires and they do have that feel to them sometimes. I seem to feel it from those who call themselves "sang", but not from those who call themselves "psi". Being able to sense vampires is sometimes called a beacon effect, especially when the person who's sensing them is an awakening or partially awakened vampire. (When a full vampire senses other vampires it's sometimes called vampdar, like vampire-radar.)

So anyway, I've had repeated periods in my life (when I was perhaps reading too much vampire fiction, watching too much vampire TV shows or reading and posting on real vampire forums), periods when I start to feel like I might be a vampire myself. I hate the weird and extremely uncomfortable hunger-like feelings that accompany these periods. It's like a cross between hunger and PMS, and it really makes you want to snap at people. You have no patience. Your muscles are tense. You try to eat as you normally would, but you either still feel hungry after you eat, or you take a few bites and then don't really want the food. In the past when I've started to feel like this, I've always been able to make it go away, to repress it perhaps and shove it back down into it's little box in my subconscious, to be forgotten until it decides to pop up again later.

Sometimes it's abated when I go out into nature for awhile, when I have a conversation with someone who's emotionally stirred up, or when I have a dream of vampirically feeding off someone. Last February, when I was feeling like this, I was sitting in a lecture at a small psychic fair and trying to breathe in energy from the people around me. A woman in front of me acted uncomfortable, moved her chair a few inches away from me, then got up and moved to the other side of the room. I wondered if I'd given her the sensation I call the "creepy-crawlies". I wondered if she's been able to tell that I was trying to feed off her energy, and had moved away from me in response. The next day, I asked a woman who was like a psychic why I'd been dreaming of being a vampire or being told I was a vampire. She gave me a vague answer that didn't really feel right to me, yet when she specifically said I was not a psychic vampire that feeds off people, I was satisfied with that part of her answer and the feeling that I might be one went away again for about a month.

Everytime I've felt like this, I convince myself that it's not real, it's all in my head, I have an overactive imagination and I'm creating psychosomatic symptoms.

Now I'm feeling like this again and I'm still trying to tell myself and my online vampire friends that it's probably just in my head, it's the heat, not getting enough sleep and not eating right that's doing this to me. Today I said in chat on a vampire board that it was just because my energy was low. But later, I thought that explanation didn't really explain it all away. Yeah, so my energy was low for whatever reason. But normal people don't feel like they're hungry for something besides food or get a prickly chill-like feeling along their skin when their energy is low. They don't feel like they want to snap at people or that every cell in their body is screaming when their energy is low. When normal people have low energy, they just get tired, then they eat food or sleep, and then they feel better.

All of this begs the question then, what am I? I know one vampire who says I'm a normal human, but two others who say I don't feel like a vampire and I don't exactly feel like a normal human either, and still another (who knows me only from online and in chat) who says he's always thought I did "feel" like a vampire. Meanwhile, I keep saying I'm not one, I don't want to be one, and the thought of actually being one makes me feel sick to my stomach.

The thing is, though, that sick-to-my-stomach feeling I had last week when I thought I might actually be a vampire is very much like the feeling I get just before I get fired from a job or a relationship falls apart. And it's a feeling that's almost always right.

My online vampire friend says I sound like I don't want to be labeled and that I shouldn't worry about the label, but just be what I am. That's very kind advice and I thank him for it, but it's not really that simple, is it? Right now I'm trying to say to myself and to the people on my vampire boards, that I'm not really a vampire, but there's some part of me that's like a vampire. There's still that part of me that senses energy sometimes and seems to feed off it sometimes. There's still that part of me the enjoys dreaming of feeding off people. There's still that part of me that is more attracted than I should be to someone's blood when they have a cut and show it to me. I've never "vamped-out", as the vampires call it, but I do still feel an abnormal attraction to blood.

The picture at the top of this page of a starving tiger symbolizes how this hunger feels inside me. That picture reminds me of a dream I had in which a starving cougar was trapped in the same kind of small cage. Since I consider Cougar to be one of my totem or power animals, it was significant that She was trapped and starving inside a cage. I knew she needed fresh meat and to be able to run and hunt freely. I thought She represented some side of myself that was being caged and repressed and was thus starving. I first dreamt of Courgar around the same time that I was first dreaming of being a vampire. Maybe, then, she represents a vampiric aspect of my nature, my vampire side even, and now She's demanding to be let loose.

- Persephone

Vampires are Interesting People

I know I won't keep up this blog, because I never do, but I wanted to post about some of the more interesting things that have been going on in my life lately.

Just over two years ago, being bored and unsatisfied with my life, I decided to do a Google search on "real vampires" and found there were a great many sites on the web about this subject. At first, the knowledge that there were so many sites by, for and about self-professed vampires scared me a little. Then I thought that if I'm scared of something, I should really check it out more. I started to read and post at real vampire forums, not claiming to be one myself, but admitting to an interest in the subject that went beyond simple curiosity. I discovered that the people who claim to be vampires, in general, do not seem to be freaks or crazies, just people with some unusual abilities and symptoms.

For two years I read and posted at a couple of forums sporadically, getting to know some of these people pretty well from their posts and becoming rather fond of some of them. Not long ago, I decided that I wanted to meet some real vampires in person, rather than see them only as a part of this distant online community. I posted my interest in the subject at meetup.com and within a couple months I went to my first vampire meet-up.

It's one thing to secretly believe that vampires could be real. (I've thought this since I was 16, because of some unusual dreams and experiences I had.) It's another level of paradigme shifting to start having conversations with self-professed vampires online. But it's a whole new level of blowing apart one's paradigme of Reality to actually meet real vampires face to face, to hear their stories and issues, and to experience the weird energy and "coincidences" that one can notice around them.

Now, I have to state quite emphaticaly that real vampires are not like the creatures in legends, books and movies. I'm talking about living people here, not monsters or supernatural beings. By and large, they age the same, get sick the same, go to jobs the same, and have the same kinds of financial and family issues that the rest of us have. Their main distinction is that, while they have to deal with all the same stuff as the rest of us, they also have to deal with a metaphysical energy imbalance that requires them to take in energy from outside sources besides regular food. They also tend to have more psychic and metaphysical abilities than normal people do, which is part of what makes them so intereting.

I've met more than half a dozen real vampires lately, and count some of them among my friends now. I hope and expect to meet still more in the future. Knowing real vampires, the fictional ones don't seem nearly as interesting anymore. Also, I don't really feel like I need to prove vampires are real to other people. That would be like trying to prove a psychic friend is really psychic or a Wiccan friend is really a witch. They just are what they are, and you accept them as themselves. Knowing them does make life seem more interesting, though.

- Persephone