A Chronology of my Interests in Vampires

I was just reading a post from a vampire elist I'm on that made me wonder when did the ahkh first appear as a symbol of modern vampirism? I think it may have first appeared in Whitley Strieber's novel The Hunger, (1981). In the book, Miriame Blaylock had a tounge that could pierce flesh, but I think John Blaylock may have worn the ankh-shaped pendant. Both characters wore it in the 1983 movie.

The question on the list was why are vampires associated with ancient Egypt? Of course the Kheprians claim an ancient Egyptian heritage, as do a few other vampire groups, but in popular culture, I think the link between vampires and Egypt 1st takes shape with The Hunger (1981-83).

Then I started thinking about personal influences on my views about vampires. My musings don't seem important enough to post to the list, but they are important to me, so here they are on my semi-private blog.

c. 1970 - I'm 5-6 years old. My babysitters watch the original "Dark Shadows" and think Barnabas Collins is sexy. I don't realize it until I'm in my early 20's and the remake series shows, but this original show had an impact on my subconscious. I would often dream of a crypt in a cemetary and a wooden table in an entry hall. I also imagined a blond vampire woman named Caroline. All of these images are from the original TV series.

c. 1974? - I'm probably 9 or 10? The first vampire book I read is Camilla, by Sheridan LeFanu (1871), which I get from the book mobile at school. Around this same time I also read Black Magic, White Magic and A Wrinkle in Time. These 3 books probably play a big part in influencing my beliefs and interests: vampires, witchcraft, alternate dimensions, and maybe my bisexuality. Around this time I also became lucid in my dreams. At first when I would dream of witches or vampires, I held them off with the small gold cross I wore. Once I felt I could control them in my dreams, I no longer feared them.

1976 - Interview With a Vampire, by Anne Rice, comes out. I'm 12 years old. I don't recall when I read it, but I think I may have been maybe 13 or 14?

1978 - I read Hotel Transilvania, by Chelsia Quinn Yarbro. I'm 14. The character of the Compt de St. Germain greatly influences my view of vampires, especially the idea that he could've been a real vampire and vampires could be real, living people.

1980 - I'm 16. I begin dreaming of P. and begin believing that vampires are real. Soon after, I begin having lucid dreams of being a vampire myself. Around this time I also dream of kissing an unknown man over his solar plexus and him then crying as if this had released strong emotions in him. I didn't understand his reaction then, but now I know about chakra points.

1983? - I have what I call a "shared dream" with my biology teacher, Mr. Wulff. I dream of running into his classroom in wolf form, then turning back into human form to talk with him. He says he dreamt that I ran away from home. Around this time I think I also dream of "Green Eyes", the unknown woman from whom I drank deeply and then felt filled with energy after I woke. Months or years later, I see this woman in Weinstocks, and she looks scared of me. When I watch "The Hunger" at Tower Theater with Justin, I'm aroused by the blood-sharing scene of Miriam and Suzan. I occationally make and drink a "fake blood" mixture of hot water, crushed iron supplement, egg white and salt.

1983-1989 - While in college, I have the lucid dream in which a young vampire woman with short red-dyed hair telles me Sekhmet is a "patroness of vampires". I look up the caloric value and componants of blood. I have the lucid dream in which I ask a dream guide "Am I a human pretending to be a vampire or a vampire pretending to be a human pretending to be a vampire? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I?" The dream guide replies back, "Inanna-Lamia, Inanna-Lamia, Inanna-Lamia." At this time I theorize that real vampirism could be caused by a virus of the Herpes-Zoster family. I write as Persephone in the free ads in "The Ardvark". I get the phone call from a young woman who asks for P. by name. Toward the end of college, I dream of P. less and less.

1988 - I read Queen of the Damned while I'm on jury duty one summer. I'm taken by the name Akasha because it's so like the ones from my 2nd Lamia dream, which said 2 of the "orginal 13 witches of the world" were named "Ankh-ka" and "Ankh-con-ka" or maybe "An-Ankh-ka".

c. 1991-1992? - While working long hours alone at West Coast Laboratories, I "hear" a voice in my head that says, "The loneliness of the lighthouse". I reply mentally, "But I'm not a lighthouse." The "voice" replies back, "You will be." Around this time, I have several hypnogogic past life memories, interesting dreams, and the remote-contoled TV's turn themselves on when I walk alone into a room.

c. 1970-1990 - I usually choose to dress as a vampire-witch for Halloween. Originally it was either a vampire or a witch, but then I just wanted to be both at the same time.

c. 1992? - While working at the blood bank, I dress as a vampire-bride for Halloween, complete with bleeding "bite marks" on my neck. While working here, I dream of being offered a chance to stay with a vampire and his mother in a lucid dream. I decline, saying I have to go to work in the morning. Toward the end of my time working here, I also dream that I can sense life energy or the essense of The Goddess in vials of blood in a test tube rack.

c. 1995 - While working at Physicians Clinical Lab, I record and watch "Forever Knight" and start feeling vampiric. I dream of biting Jason and feeding a little from him. The next day he acts kind of weird toward me. I imagine he tells Maria about the dream, but I don't know for sure what he's talking about with her. Around this time, I write my poem "Trust Not Me" in honor of Jason and my "dark side". When my "blood cravings" get strong, I repress them and make them go away.

c. 1997? - I tell David about my dream vampire and explain why I avoid reading too much vampire fiction or vampire erotica. I tell him that doing this brings out a vampiric side in me that scares me. He acts like he doesn't think I'm crazy and says that when he was in the Temple of Set, they believed in a Vampire Archetype that could influence people. While I'm dating David the first time around, I sometimes feel and take in his released energy when he orgasms. I try repeatedly to dream to him and bite him in dream, but I'm never successful.

- While I'm dating Duncan, I dream of attacking and feeding from a wolfman-like monster. Duncan wakes and leaps out of bed, stares at me in horror and keeps saying, "What are you? What are you?" I get him to calm down and come back to bed. I don't tell him about my dream.

- While I'm dating David the 2nd time, I usually feel and take in his released energy when he orgasms. He says once that he's surprized I can arouse him a 2nd time so soon after he comes. I half-jokingly tell him it's because I'm a succubus.

2005 - I discover the online vampire community.

2007 - February - I take the Online Vampire and Energy-Workers Survey and decide I could actually be a vampire. I experiment with conscious psi-feeding and see a woman react uncomfortably and move to the other side of the room. July - I met my first real vampires in person. Shortly thereafter, I begin sensing energy pretty strongly and getting hunger cravings that make me feel crazy. I tell Ithril and Mojo that I think I could actually be vampiric, but I don't tell anyone else. September - Tony kicks me out of his meet-up group and I join Mojo's instead. October - I attend House Lost Haven's Blood Moon weekend and Twilight in L.A.

2007- July - I meet my first vampires in person.

2007- October - I attend House Lost Haven's Blood Moon and Twilight, LA.

2008 - May - I attend the House Rosa Beltain ritual, planning to dedicate eventually as Dusk.

- P.

Another Dream with Michelle Belanger

From my dream journal / diary (3-28-08)

I dreamt of Micheller B. this morning around 3-4 am, I think. I hadn't been thinking of her when I went to sleep, only that I wished I could get energy in my sleep, so I'd be alet today. I went to sleep arouund 1:30 am, woke from this dream feeling energized and have felt fine all day, despite being sleep deprived for weeks, since I've been addicted to Yahoo Answers. I feel like I did dreamwalk to her somehow. It was weird.

"Lying with Michelle B." (3-28- 08)

- I'm lucid and in a room full of people, too big to be a living room, but comfortable, maybe like a dorm lounge. Most of the people are lying down to sleep on sofas or mats on the floor. I sit down on a sofa. Behnd it Michelle B. is lying down on a mat, with a mostly gray blanket over her.

I say hello to her. She asks me to lie down with her. I want to, but I don't feel like it's right. I'm sort of embarassed. I tell her I have to brush my teeth first. Then I think that if I walk away to look for a bathroom to brush my teeth, I might not find her again. I think her energy is probably low and she needs to draw off someone. I'm glad to be able to help her. I say ok.

I lift off her blanket and see she's wearing a black T-shirt and soft cotton black pants like pajamas or yoga pants. I think this is what she wears for pajamas. She's not wearing glasses. I think removing the blanket has probably let out heat that she needs to conserve, so I cover her back up. The blanket forms a space over her, and I say to her, "It's like a tent."

She seems to know my real name and "calls" me by it when she invites me again to lie next to her. I slide in next to her and snuggle in against her with her behind me. She puts her arms around me. I think I really like this. I feel safe and protected and happy that she can feed from my energy if she needs it. I feel very submissive.

She asks if I'm comfortable and if she can do something to me. I say, "Yes. If I don't like it, I can tell you to stop." She seems a little surprised that I'm so compliant and that I'm essentially negotiating a "safe word". I get the impression that she didn't expect me to act like a BDSM submissive. I get the impression that she didn't expect me to be familiar with such things.

She moves her right hand down over my ass and moves it foreward until it's positioned over my base/root chakra point. I'm surprised and startled by this intimacy. I feel a little surge of fear, then tell myself that fear probably increases the energy she can feed on from me. I tell myself to go along with it and let her conrtol what she's doing. As she hold her hand over this spot, I feel a surge of sexual pleasure that I'm afraid can wake me. I tell her, "No. Don't do that." She moves her hand away for a bit.

Probably at this point I hear a sort of "voice-over" about a lecture. I think she's probably in this town for a lecture presentation. The professor is an older, tall man with glasses. I also hear her voice as she lectures about something. (I've forgotten the details because I didn't write them down as soon as I woke.)

She puts her hand back over that spot again, causing this surge of sexual pleasure again. I try to just ride it out and not get upset about it. She reaches forward just a little, so her middle finger is touching my genital area. I think she's probably trying to stir up and feed off my sexual energy, I feel like it's too much for me. I tell her again to stop. She stops for a bit, but then does it again, stirring up alot of sexual energy in me each time she touches me there. I think this is too much sexual arousal for me, and it's going to make me wake up. I tell her, "Stop, stop," but she doesn't stop.

Then suddenly I wake, feeling perfectly awake and clear-headed, even though I'd only slept a few hours. I want to go right back to sleep to be back there with her again. I want to have the feeling of being safe and secure in her embrace and letting her feed off me if she can, but without the sexual stimulation she was doing to me. I try to go back to sleep, but I don't go back into that dream setting with her. When I do wake around 5 am, I feel perfectly rested and energized.

- So what's with these dreams? Is Michelle B. just symbolic of something for me? Maybe my dream was inspired by having looked at the picture of her above? This dream felt like dreamwalking, but I'd be too embarassed to email her and ask her about it (even though Midi said I should ask her about the previous ones.) She's a celebrity, and I've only met her once in real life. I'm a fan, but I'm not a fauning, irrational fan. (No, she's not my bishee.) I do find her intriguing and attractive, though. Then too, Rune has told some interesting stories about her that make her seem even more fascinating. - This is just too weird.

Notes on the root chakra (3-30-08)

"The Root Chakra
Finally, there is a center located near the genitals. This is the Root and it is the seat of the sexual force. As such, it can be equated with Min, the ithyphallic fertility principle of ancient Egypt."
http://www.kheperu.org/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=105&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0

"The first chakra, located at the base of the spine at the perineum is the root chakra, muladhara."

"When we cut ourselves off from physical stimulation, we cut off the life-giving properties of the root chakra. Over a long period of time, this denial of the root chakra can lead to physical and/or emotional dysfunction. We will talk about this later in the chapter when we discuss kundalini energy - an energy awakened from the root chakra."

"An imbalance or weakness in the root chakra can lead to feelings of fear of instability, abandonment, and insecurity, as well as a depletion of vital energy. Yet it also controls sensations of bliss, both physical and mental, and fuels the will to survive, to find safety, and to accumulate material wealth. Because of this, it is often associated with one's choice of profession. When, through various forms of meditation the root chakra begins to open and energize, there is often a sensation of heat in the abdomen or third eye area. You may experience heightened emotions or empathic sensitivity when stimulating the root chakra...."
http://raphiem.com/bms/sp_chaklife.php

- P.

Dreamwalking and Vampires

I had a couple of dreams with Michelle Belanger in them not long ago. She is probably symbolic for me of real vampires, but she's also someone who dreamwalks. Since I've met her, she's symbolic for me, and we have a mutual friend in Rune, it's possible that I could dreamwalk to her.

Here's my dream about her from 1-25-08. This was right after I'd been listening to some Shadowdance podcasts the night before, listening to her voice on the podcasts.

- I'm in the house I grew up in and I walk into the middle bathroom. Michelle B. is there drawing a bath. I think I want to bathe in this water as a cleansing ritual for myself, but I don't actually do it. - She's in a later part too, but I can't recall it after I wake.

"Michelle B. Pregnant" (2-2-08)

- I'm at my old house and Michelle B. is visiting here. Later, someone tells me she's pregnant. (I think that could symbolize her working on a new book.) [I later found she's requesting submissions for the 2nd volume of Vampires In Their Own Words.] - In a later part of the dream, I'm walking through a store like Target or K-Mart, looking for some nice, black, vampy-looking clothes, like a nice top and long skirt for evening wear. I can't find anything, only a few scarves of various colors that I think might be made into a halter top.

I wrote at the DDD board that bathtubs in my dreams seem to have something to do with self-identity. If a cleansing ritual is a symbolic rebirth, then Michelle B. could symbolize here a sort of symbolic midwife to a change in my self-identity. She represents in part my understanding of real vampirism. I identify with how she doubted she was vampiric and kept testing that theory when she was younger. I identify with her love of knowlege, words and writing. I identify with her desire to make real vampirism more accessable and understandable to non-vampires too.

At the last Reno meetup, I told Midi that I'd dreamt of Michelle B. and wondered if it could've really been her. She said I should email her and ask her if she dreamt of me too. She said one of the other women in the group had dreamt of her before, and when she asked Michelle B. about it, she said she had dreamt of her too. I told Midi that I didn't feel like I could email her because I'd only met her once and didn't feel like I knew her well enough to do that.

- P.

Curiouser and Curiouser....

In the past year, every so often, I feel like my sense of Reality has just shifted. Probably most people will never know this feeling. The world seems pretty much the same for them day after day, year after year. When one's paradigme of reality begins to shift, though, it doesn't happen all at once. - Or at least it hasn't happened that way for me.

The first small shift came when I found there were vampire websites and forums on the Internet. The next one came after I met my first real vampires in person. The next one came when I started to think I might be one myself. The one I think I'm hitting now is from thinking on what sort of otherkin I might be and wondering if I might be nephilim or something like that.

The point I'm trying to make here isn't whether any of these things are true. It's that as I start to accept new possibilities for what can be real, my whole sense of reality is changed. It's sort of like being in your normal world one day, then waking up in an alternate reality the next day. It's sort of like being Alice in Wonderland, where nothing in this new world is quite like you'd expect it to be.

I also find that as I hit each of these new shifts in my perception of reality, the process goes in similar stages. First it's curiosity and excitement over new ideas and possibilities. Then it becomes an obsession, where I have to find out as much as I can about something. When it starts to make sense to me, I want to share what I've learned with other people. (This is a way of bringing my new, weird and wonderful knowlege into my seemingly more real world.) Then I start to get used to this new reality, so it starts to seem normal to me. Then I remember that I didn't used think this way. I get a period where I think, "Oh my God, this is real!"and I want to turn away from it to reclaim a sense of normalcy for a while. Then I accept that this new reality is just as much a part of my life as my old one was, and I intigrate it as a sort or new "normal" for me. And then, every once in a while, I have to remind myself that all of this stuff that seems normal to me now, still is not normal or accepted as real by almost everyone else.

I keep thinking I'd like to be a sort of dream-walking succubus, partly because feeding in dream can be one of the most exilerating feelings I have. Then I found that I couldn't dream-walk at will like I used to when I was in high school. I also felt a little guilty about even trying to get into the dreams of people I know. I kept trying, though.

Sunday night as I went to sleep, I tried to focus on a coworker as a target. Monday morning I had a brief dream with him in it. I told him at work that I'd dreamt of him. He said he'd dreamt of me too. That's pretty good evidence for me having dream-walked to him, I think, though his dream and mine were not quite the same. In my dream, he and I were standing inside a tent that was very much like a big four-poster bed. I don't recall the dream getting explicitly sexual, and I think that segment ended with me just shifting into another dream scene. In his dream, it was explictly sexual and ended with me falling asleep.

I think it's possible that when my consciousness leaves a dream or dream scene, this could sometimes be perceived by others in the dream as me falling asleep. I know that closing my eyes in the dream is one way that I consciously leave a scene and enter a new one. Also, one time when I seemed to terrify a woman I met in a dream and probably fed too deeply from her, she passed out in the dream and collapsed on the floor. I think I saw her in waking life later, and while she did look scared of me, she seemed otherwise fine. Maybe her passing out in the dream was her way of leaving her perceived nightmare of a vampire feeding on her?

Anyway, after talking with my coworker today and hearing his brief description of our possible shared dream, I think he wouldn't mind if I tried it again. He's already told me that I can energy-feed from him in waking life, as long as I give him candy bars as payment. I also know he's not getting as much sex as he'd like in waking life, so if I turn it into a sexual dream encounter, I could probably feed quite easily off him in dream as well. I don't think he'd mind, so I'm going to try it again, and I'm not going to let myself feel guilty about it.

Today at work he suggested I could be "one of those vampires that has sex with people in their sleep". I told him the word was "succubus". I thought that I might actually be able to do this, have the other person remember it, and thus prove to them that I can do it. This thought made me hit another one of those reality paradigme shifts. If I can do this, have another person experience it, and have them accept that it's real, then I won't just be the weird person who thinks she's a vampire or succubus. In effect, I'll really be a succubus.

Which, by the way, doesn't rule me out from being a nephilim as well. As far as I'm concerned, a succubus or incubus, dream-walking or in waking life, is just another flavor of psi-vamp. Also, at least some vampires or vampiric people are also some kind of otherkin.

- Persephone