Dreams and Reality, flowing together like water.

I'm in an odd mood just now, so I felt like posting about it. I was reading my friend Rune's Live Journal where he was posting about feeling kind of sad and lonely. It's so strange to be able to read that, like reading someone's diary. It makes me want to give him a hug or send him comforting words. Yet, that post was made a couple weeks ago, so maybe it's not even relevant anymore.

I've never posted on his Live Journal, but maybe I will now. I wanted to post a link to a YouTube clip of the 1st episode of "True Blood" to Michelle Belanger's Live Journal. So, I finally signed up and posted to hers. That feels weird too. I don't really know her except through other people (Rune and Morgan). I've only met her once, so I expect she'll have no idea who I am. I mentioned at the bottom of my post that I'm a friend of Rune's, but I don't think he goes by that name among the Kheprians.

It's so odd, all the different layers of reality. The real vampire community lies hidden just below the surface of mundane reality, yet it's right here on the Internet for anyone willing to look for it. To most people, self-professed vampires are delusional freaks. But the ones I know in real life are quite sane and just live in a reality that most people don't comprehend as actually existing.

I'm glad I've lately gotten involved with some psychically sensitive people who aren't vampires or otherkin. I've been taking psychic perception classes with a guy who's sensitive and telepathic. I took him to meet my vampire friends about a month ago, and the meeting was interesting. He could tell they were vampires, as he could tell I was one, because he could feel the energy draw on his legs. He tried to create energy that he hoped they could feed on instead of feeding off people, but it didn't really work. Rune said it "tasted" sort of like Ramen instead of real food. I said I thought of it like Doritos instead of steak. Working with Rune, my friend Joey was able to create a form of energy that felt almost like prana.

The next time we had a class together, he was able to feed me some of this energy, and I could tell the difference between it and the previous stuff. It really did feel more like "food" for a psychic vampire. Later in that same class, he tried feeding me fear, because I'd said I liked fear. It felt really "yummy" and almost addictive. It made me want to go to a scary movie to feed off the audience. Still, I don't think fear is a very healthy emotion for me to feed from, even though it do really like it.

I got fired from my job of 13 years last Friday. I don't feel sad though. Mostly I just feel liberated. I hated that job most of the time I was there. I've got enough money in the bank to take care of my expenses until the begining of next year. I need to get another job, but I'm not really worried about being unemployed right now.

Rune had posted in one of his Live Journal entries about dreaming of being asked to come back to work at Macy's. When I read that, I wondered if his dream might've had something to do with my situation, because I'm hoping to go back to my old job at the blood bank.

I slept over at his house August 2nd and 3rd. On the morning of the 3rd, Rune and I both had dreams of each other, and he woke with a small set of parallel scratches on his right cheek. I think I dreamwalked to him and might have psi-fed a little from him. On August 16th I felt like I dreamt of him in a similar way, sensual, but not a regular sort of dream. Then he posted in his Live Journal about having strange dreams of thinking of going back to Macy's and of having a chuck of his hair pulled off. Then he worked a booth at the Reno Gay Pride Festival. Then I took Joey up to meet him, Mojo and Megan on Sunday, and that interaction tired Rune out further, so he had to go home to "feed" on his husband and girlfriend.

On August 25th he posted of feeling sad and lonely. On the morning of August 25, I had odd lucid dreams, but Rune wasn't in them. (There was a part where I was by my old elementary school and a man was force-feeding veal to some rabbits.) I was feeling sad that day too, though.

Sunday August 31st, I went up to Reno again and gave Rune his birthday presents, which he liked. He gave me a reading for my present, which turned out to be depressing. Then I drank absinthe for the first time and got quite high off it. Then I slept on the sofa while Rune stayed up on his laptop. When he went to bed, at dawn, I woke up and didn't really sleep again. In the morning Mojo showed me he had a weird scratch on his right shoulder, but I didn't think I'd dreamwalked to him because I didn't remember dreaming of him. I told him the last time I'd slept over, Rune had woken with a strange scratch on his cheek. Mojo said he hadn't heard that story.

This morning (Sept 8th) I dreamt of visiting with Mojo in Reno (though the area looked more like South Lake Tahoe). I told him in the dream that I got fired, but I actually felt liberated. I also reminded him that today is my birthday. I feel like I really did dreamwalk to Mojo this morning, mostly because my dream version of him felt like him.

- P.

Psychic and Sexual Energy (before I knew about real vampires)

I've been wanting for a while to record dreams and experiences from my journals that hint at psychic vampirism, from before I knew about real vampire forums. Anshar mentioned when I was at Blood Moon that I should look at my old journals. It was kind of odd when he said it, because he was doing that sort of intuitve interview process that he does. He asked me sort of out of the blue if I ever kept a journal. I said I did. Then he said I should look at my old journals. When he said it, I'd been talking about traveling with Mom in Europe. Then I thought of a statue I'd drawn from out of the window of my hotel room in Florence. I still think of that drawing when I think of that conversation. I don't know why. I don't think it was a drawing of an angel, but Anshar always reminds me of a beautiful fallen angel.

Most of my older journals are in a bag somewhere, but I'm not sure where. The oldest ones I have easy access to right now are from 1998. The following are excepts that hint at psychic vampirism.

Possible psychic attack by my mother. (9-26-98)

...I went over to the house on Friday after work, planning to move out some junk. Mom was there. I went inside and saw she had another note for me. She ordered me to sit down and read it. I told her I didn't need to sit down to read it. She told me again to sit down. I grabbed the note and headed for the door, telling her I wasn't going to sit down and didn't want to be bossed around.

She came toward me saying I let those "other people" boss me around. I told her, "Get away from me!" and tried to move past her to leave. She said, "Why? Am I some kind of monster?" I tried again to move past her. She backed up and stood in the doorway of the kitchen, her arms out, trying to block my exit. I pushed past her. She grabbed my arm, trying to stop me from leaving. I pulled away, walked out the front door, got in my car and left.

I was upset that she had tried to keep me from leaving the house. I had felt panic at first, especially when I'd told her, "Get away from me!" But I had managed to get away from her now and was beginning to feel better. I was glad I'd run out of there, rather than letting her trap me. My left arm was hurting too, in a strange way, where she'd grabbed it. I knew it wasn't a physical pain, but rather some kind of psychological or psychic energy thing....

Note the following has adult content.

Sex and Energy - part 2 (10-11-98, Sunday)

...I went over to visit with David yesterday. We had a short session, but it was still good for me. I didn't orgasm, but at one point when I was on top, I felt like I could feel the energy rise from him and up through me. That seemed almost like a tantra thing to me.

There are times when I'm having sex with David when I feel like we could almost reach tantric levels of sexual bliss (that seems like the best word), except that because this isn't his primary romantic relationship, I think he's afraid of getting "too close" with me. - The first time M. and I had sex (and to a lesser degree the other times), I allowed myself to feel the divine sexual energy flowing between us and growing.

I love sex, but most especially when I can feel the divine energy in it, a God and Goddess energy of primal creation, a tantric energy of spiritual union. I love to be able to embrace sex as a powerful, positive energy source, - but my poly relationships seem to make this avenue of exploration, growth and power difficult to approach....

- P.