Psychic and Sexual Energy (before I knew about real vampires)

I've been wanting for a while to record dreams and experiences from my journals that hint at psychic vampirism, from before I knew about real vampire forums. Anshar mentioned when I was at Blood Moon that I should look at my old journals. It was kind of odd when he said it, because he was doing that sort of intuitve interview process that he does. He asked me sort of out of the blue if I ever kept a journal. I said I did. Then he said I should look at my old journals. When he said it, I'd been talking about traveling with Mom in Europe. Then I thought of a statue I'd drawn from out of the window of my hotel room in Florence. I still think of that drawing when I think of that conversation. I don't know why. I don't think it was a drawing of an angel, but Anshar always reminds me of a beautiful fallen angel.

Most of my older journals are in a bag somewhere, but I'm not sure where. The oldest ones I have easy access to right now are from 1998. The following are excepts that hint at psychic vampirism.

Possible psychic attack by my mother. (9-26-98)

...I went over to the house on Friday after work, planning to move out some junk. Mom was there. I went inside and saw she had another note for me. She ordered me to sit down and read it. I told her I didn't need to sit down to read it. She told me again to sit down. I grabbed the note and headed for the door, telling her I wasn't going to sit down and didn't want to be bossed around.

She came toward me saying I let those "other people" boss me around. I told her, "Get away from me!" and tried to move past her to leave. She said, "Why? Am I some kind of monster?" I tried again to move past her. She backed up and stood in the doorway of the kitchen, her arms out, trying to block my exit. I pushed past her. She grabbed my arm, trying to stop me from leaving. I pulled away, walked out the front door, got in my car and left.

I was upset that she had tried to keep me from leaving the house. I had felt panic at first, especially when I'd told her, "Get away from me!" But I had managed to get away from her now and was beginning to feel better. I was glad I'd run out of there, rather than letting her trap me. My left arm was hurting too, in a strange way, where she'd grabbed it. I knew it wasn't a physical pain, but rather some kind of psychological or psychic energy thing....

Note the following has adult content.

Sex and Energy - part 2 (10-11-98, Sunday)

...I went over to visit with David yesterday. We had a short session, but it was still good for me. I didn't orgasm, but at one point when I was on top, I felt like I could feel the energy rise from him and up through me. That seemed almost like a tantra thing to me.

There are times when I'm having sex with David when I feel like we could almost reach tantric levels of sexual bliss (that seems like the best word), except that because this isn't his primary romantic relationship, I think he's afraid of getting "too close" with me. - The first time M. and I had sex (and to a lesser degree the other times), I allowed myself to feel the divine sexual energy flowing between us and growing.

I love sex, but most especially when I can feel the divine energy in it, a God and Goddess energy of primal creation, a tantric energy of spiritual union. I love to be able to embrace sex as a powerful, positive energy source, - but my poly relationships seem to make this avenue of exploration, growth and power difficult to approach....

- P.