Another Dream with Michelle Belanger

From my dream journal / diary (3-28-08)

I dreamt of Micheller B. this morning around 3-4 am, I think. I hadn't been thinking of her when I went to sleep, only that I wished I could get energy in my sleep, so I'd be alet today. I went to sleep arouund 1:30 am, woke from this dream feeling energized and have felt fine all day, despite being sleep deprived for weeks, since I've been addicted to Yahoo Answers. I feel like I did dreamwalk to her somehow. It was weird.

"Lying with Michelle B." (3-28- 08)

- I'm lucid and in a room full of people, too big to be a living room, but comfortable, maybe like a dorm lounge. Most of the people are lying down to sleep on sofas or mats on the floor. I sit down on a sofa. Behnd it Michelle B. is lying down on a mat, with a mostly gray blanket over her.

I say hello to her. She asks me to lie down with her. I want to, but I don't feel like it's right. I'm sort of embarassed. I tell her I have to brush my teeth first. Then I think that if I walk away to look for a bathroom to brush my teeth, I might not find her again. I think her energy is probably low and she needs to draw off someone. I'm glad to be able to help her. I say ok.

I lift off her blanket and see she's wearing a black T-shirt and soft cotton black pants like pajamas or yoga pants. I think this is what she wears for pajamas. She's not wearing glasses. I think removing the blanket has probably let out heat that she needs to conserve, so I cover her back up. The blanket forms a space over her, and I say to her, "It's like a tent."

She seems to know my real name and "calls" me by it when she invites me again to lie next to her. I slide in next to her and snuggle in against her with her behind me. She puts her arms around me. I think I really like this. I feel safe and protected and happy that she can feed from my energy if she needs it. I feel very submissive.

She asks if I'm comfortable and if she can do something to me. I say, "Yes. If I don't like it, I can tell you to stop." She seems a little surprised that I'm so compliant and that I'm essentially negotiating a "safe word". I get the impression that she didn't expect me to act like a BDSM submissive. I get the impression that she didn't expect me to be familiar with such things.

She moves her right hand down over my ass and moves it foreward until it's positioned over my base/root chakra point. I'm surprised and startled by this intimacy. I feel a little surge of fear, then tell myself that fear probably increases the energy she can feed on from me. I tell myself to go along with it and let her conrtol what she's doing. As she hold her hand over this spot, I feel a surge of sexual pleasure that I'm afraid can wake me. I tell her, "No. Don't do that." She moves her hand away for a bit.

Probably at this point I hear a sort of "voice-over" about a lecture. I think she's probably in this town for a lecture presentation. The professor is an older, tall man with glasses. I also hear her voice as she lectures about something. (I've forgotten the details because I didn't write them down as soon as I woke.)

She puts her hand back over that spot again, causing this surge of sexual pleasure again. I try to just ride it out and not get upset about it. She reaches forward just a little, so her middle finger is touching my genital area. I think she's probably trying to stir up and feed off my sexual energy, I feel like it's too much for me. I tell her again to stop. She stops for a bit, but then does it again, stirring up alot of sexual energy in me each time she touches me there. I think this is too much sexual arousal for me, and it's going to make me wake up. I tell her, "Stop, stop," but she doesn't stop.

Then suddenly I wake, feeling perfectly awake and clear-headed, even though I'd only slept a few hours. I want to go right back to sleep to be back there with her again. I want to have the feeling of being safe and secure in her embrace and letting her feed off me if she can, but without the sexual stimulation she was doing to me. I try to go back to sleep, but I don't go back into that dream setting with her. When I do wake around 5 am, I feel perfectly rested and energized.

- So what's with these dreams? Is Michelle B. just symbolic of something for me? Maybe my dream was inspired by having looked at the picture of her above? This dream felt like dreamwalking, but I'd be too embarassed to email her and ask her about it (even though Midi said I should ask her about the previous ones.) She's a celebrity, and I've only met her once in real life. I'm a fan, but I'm not a fauning, irrational fan. (No, she's not my bishee.) I do find her intriguing and attractive, though. Then too, Rune has told some interesting stories about her that make her seem even more fascinating. - This is just too weird.

Notes on the root chakra (3-30-08)

"The Root Chakra
Finally, there is a center located near the genitals. This is the Root and it is the seat of the sexual force. As such, it can be equated with Min, the ithyphallic fertility principle of ancient Egypt."
http://www.kheperu.org/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=105&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0

"The first chakra, located at the base of the spine at the perineum is the root chakra, muladhara."

"When we cut ourselves off from physical stimulation, we cut off the life-giving properties of the root chakra. Over a long period of time, this denial of the root chakra can lead to physical and/or emotional dysfunction. We will talk about this later in the chapter when we discuss kundalini energy - an energy awakened from the root chakra."

"An imbalance or weakness in the root chakra can lead to feelings of fear of instability, abandonment, and insecurity, as well as a depletion of vital energy. Yet it also controls sensations of bliss, both physical and mental, and fuels the will to survive, to find safety, and to accumulate material wealth. Because of this, it is often associated with one's choice of profession. When, through various forms of meditation the root chakra begins to open and energize, there is often a sensation of heat in the abdomen or third eye area. You may experience heightened emotions or empathic sensitivity when stimulating the root chakra...."
http://raphiem.com/bms/sp_chaklife.php

- P.

Psychic and Sexual Energy (before I knew about real vampires)

I've been wanting for a while to record dreams and experiences from my journals that hint at psychic vampirism, from before I knew about real vampire forums. Anshar mentioned when I was at Blood Moon that I should look at my old journals. It was kind of odd when he said it, because he was doing that sort of intuitve interview process that he does. He asked me sort of out of the blue if I ever kept a journal. I said I did. Then he said I should look at my old journals. When he said it, I'd been talking about traveling with Mom in Europe. Then I thought of a statue I'd drawn from out of the window of my hotel room in Florence. I still think of that drawing when I think of that conversation. I don't know why. I don't think it was a drawing of an angel, but Anshar always reminds me of a beautiful fallen angel.

Most of my older journals are in a bag somewhere, but I'm not sure where. The oldest ones I have easy access to right now are from 1998. The following are excepts that hint at psychic vampirism.

Possible psychic attack by my mother. (9-26-98)

...I went over to the house on Friday after work, planning to move out some junk. Mom was there. I went inside and saw she had another note for me. She ordered me to sit down and read it. I told her I didn't need to sit down to read it. She told me again to sit down. I grabbed the note and headed for the door, telling her I wasn't going to sit down and didn't want to be bossed around.

She came toward me saying I let those "other people" boss me around. I told her, "Get away from me!" and tried to move past her to leave. She said, "Why? Am I some kind of monster?" I tried again to move past her. She backed up and stood in the doorway of the kitchen, her arms out, trying to block my exit. I pushed past her. She grabbed my arm, trying to stop me from leaving. I pulled away, walked out the front door, got in my car and left.

I was upset that she had tried to keep me from leaving the house. I had felt panic at first, especially when I'd told her, "Get away from me!" But I had managed to get away from her now and was beginning to feel better. I was glad I'd run out of there, rather than letting her trap me. My left arm was hurting too, in a strange way, where she'd grabbed it. I knew it wasn't a physical pain, but rather some kind of psychological or psychic energy thing....

Note the following has adult content.

Sex and Energy - part 2 (10-11-98, Sunday)

...I went over to visit with David yesterday. We had a short session, but it was still good for me. I didn't orgasm, but at one point when I was on top, I felt like I could feel the energy rise from him and up through me. That seemed almost like a tantra thing to me.

There are times when I'm having sex with David when I feel like we could almost reach tantric levels of sexual bliss (that seems like the best word), except that because this isn't his primary romantic relationship, I think he's afraid of getting "too close" with me. - The first time M. and I had sex (and to a lesser degree the other times), I allowed myself to feel the divine sexual energy flowing between us and growing.

I love sex, but most especially when I can feel the divine energy in it, a God and Goddess energy of primal creation, a tantric energy of spiritual union. I love to be able to embrace sex as a powerful, positive energy source, - but my poly relationships seem to make this avenue of exploration, growth and power difficult to approach....

- P.

Dreamwalking and Vampires

I had a couple of dreams with Michelle Belanger in them not long ago. She is probably symbolic for me of real vampires, but she's also someone who dreamwalks. Since I've met her, she's symbolic for me, and we have a mutual friend in Rune, it's possible that I could dreamwalk to her.

Here's my dream about her from 1-25-08. This was right after I'd been listening to some Shadowdance podcasts the night before, listening to her voice on the podcasts.

- I'm in the house I grew up in and I walk into the middle bathroom. Michelle B. is there drawing a bath. I think I want to bathe in this water as a cleansing ritual for myself, but I don't actually do it. - She's in a later part too, but I can't recall it after I wake.

"Michelle B. Pregnant" (2-2-08)

- I'm at my old house and Michelle B. is visiting here. Later, someone tells me she's pregnant. (I think that could symbolize her working on a new book.) [I later found she's requesting submissions for the 2nd volume of Vampires In Their Own Words.] - In a later part of the dream, I'm walking through a store like Target or K-Mart, looking for some nice, black, vampy-looking clothes, like a nice top and long skirt for evening wear. I can't find anything, only a few scarves of various colors that I think might be made into a halter top.

I wrote at the DDD board that bathtubs in my dreams seem to have something to do with self-identity. If a cleansing ritual is a symbolic rebirth, then Michelle B. could symbolize here a sort of symbolic midwife to a change in my self-identity. She represents in part my understanding of real vampirism. I identify with how she doubted she was vampiric and kept testing that theory when she was younger. I identify with her love of knowlege, words and writing. I identify with her desire to make real vampirism more accessable and understandable to non-vampires too.

At the last Reno meetup, I told Midi that I'd dreamt of Michelle B. and wondered if it could've really been her. She said I should email her and ask her if she dreamt of me too. She said one of the other women in the group had dreamt of her before, and when she asked Michelle B. about it, she said she had dreamt of her too. I told Midi that I didn't feel like I could email her because I'd only met her once and didn't feel like I knew her well enough to do that.

- P.