"On the Cusp" ???

Some excepts from my diary this week:

Sept. 9, Sunday, 8:30 pm - 2 Readings about Vampires -

I went to the Holistic Living Expo today and ended up having readings by 2 women who believe in and aren't freaked out by vampires....

...when I asked the 1st woman why 2 vampires [who I've met recently] said I didn't feel like a vampire, but didn't exactly feel like a normal human either, she said that's because I'm "on the cusp" and I could go either way. But they'd all been "on the cusp" at one time too.

Sept. 12, Weds. 7:50 pm - Calling? -

I was hungry at work. When I came home, I took a shower and a nap. Just now and pretty much the whole time I was asleep, I felt like I was connected to others, especially to the people in my group and other vampires. I feel like there's this deep connection or wordless communication, maybe like I'm calling to whoever is meant to "hear" this call and respond to it. This is not something I'm doing consciously, but I feel it intensely, on a non-verbal, spiritual level. My dreams felt like there was this "calling" in them too. I feel like something is trying to communicate with me, but whatever I'm getting is not on the verbal or symbolic level that I'm used to getting.

Sept. 14, Friday, 5 pm - Hunger? -

My throat's been bothering me alot lately. I don't know if it's allegies of what. When I got those 2 Reiki sessions, the practitioner said it felt like a throbbing energy in my throat. It could be just from sinus drainage, but in the last month, I often feel like I have this weird hunger that's centered in my throat instead of in my stomach. Maybe it's not hunger at all, but it feels like a hunger that food does little to abate. I'm eating normally, but I still feel this "hunger" that makes me tense and irritable.

I don't really know how to energy-feed and I'm not going to blood-feed..., so I don't really know what to do about it, except try to eat healthy, get enough sleep, go out to the river once in a while, and just keep track of how I'm feeling and anything that seems to help.

I was so incredibly "hungry" and irritable yesterday that I had to go straight to the river after work and sit and lie there for an hour and a half. [I hadn't been to the river in over a month.] It was almost instinctual how I took a sheet from the back seat and headed straight to a quiet, secluded spot right next to the water. I sat there cross-legged with my eyes closed for a long time, then lay curled up on the sheet with my head on my purse for a while, sat cross-legged for a while longer, then walked a little on the paths, while eating wild rose hips and blackberries.

I won't call myself a vampire, but I feel more and more like I could be one sometimes. At one point while I was seated on the damp sheet on the wet sand, a heavy, middle-aged man in a red shirt was in his boat in front of me, trying to start his engine. I just wanted to suck in and feed on his energy if I could have. I felt like a hungry vampire, and I wondered if I felt like a hungry vampire to him.

I really don't try to feed on people energy unless it's ambient and maybe I can breathe in some of it. It's hard, because I don't see energy and usually I can't feel it much either. I sort of don't want to practice energy-feeding techniques, partly just because I'm lazy, partly because I don't want to start thinking I'm a vampire if I'm not one, and partly because I think that if I really needed to feed on energy my body (or energy body or whatever) would know how to do it instinctually. I don't know if I really have a need to energy-feed or if this is all a psychosomatic product of an over-active imagination. I'm still trying to figure out what's real and what's not....

The head organizer of my vampire meetup group posted another event to the board late last night. I read it at work today. It's for a blood-feeding gathering in January, and it sounds really freaky, scary and "deep", as my co-worker would say. My first impression on reading about it was that I want to go. My second thought was that I shouldn't want to go, that this is too intense and serious and it should scare me alot more than it does. I thought, I don't belong there, because this is an event for real blood-drinking vampires, not for currious and interested "normals". He posted that this event is usually just for vampires only, but he was going to allow otherkin and "normals" from our group, as long as they're very open-minded....

I'm intrigued and excited by the idea of going. A part of me fantasizes about it, but my rational side tells me I should rein that side in. Things could really get out of control in such an environment....What if I go to such an event, thinking I can stay in control of myself and find myself "vamping out" or virtually vamping out? By "Virtually vamping out", I mean that I might be so attracted by the sight, smell and idea of drinking blood that my heart rate goes up, my breathing gets fast and shallow, my eyes dialate, my senses get distorted and overly focused, and I think all of this is because I'm a real vampire, rather than just because I'm working myself up psychosomatically to feel like I'm one.

Another woman in the group and I both say we're not vampires, but we both get "blood cravings" occationally. She writes about it like it's perfectly normal to get blood cravings when she feels jealous or powerless in her life. I keep thinking my own weird hunger-like feelings, "blood cravings", thoughts that I want blood, or apparent symptoms are absolutely not normal. They don't really prove anything either, though, because they could all be psychosomatic.

- I bought a small black onyx pendant and black onyx ring today at East/West Books, because I read that onyx helps pull in energy for healing or for whatever one needs it for. I thought that I really seem to need energy and I don't seem to be able to pull it in on my own very well, so maybe the onyx stones will help me....

I stopped by to see Mom today and she pissed me off, which is another reason why I bought the jewelry. I'd told her I'd gone out to a nightclub with some friends. She said my going out to a nightclub was "garbage" and I shouldn't waste my money on going to a nightclub when I can't even pay my bills. However, she's wasting her money on sending me the local newspaper and some woman's magazine, neither of which I want. She says I need to read these things so I know what's going on in the world. I told her there are only so many hours in the day, and I've decided not to spend them on reading the newpaper and magazines right now. It's like every time I find some interest in my life that makes me happy, she has to knock it down and say it's a waste of my time, money or thoughts. She doesn't know anything about the vampire stuff. But she still wants to critisize and control me, even when she doesn't even know what I'm really doing.

- Persephone