I was not quite 16 when I first dreamt of a particular vampire who I've always felt was real. Not long ago I ask about him of a psychic I trust (without using the V-word). She said he was like a spirit guide, but also someone I knew in a past life and connected to someone I'd meet in this life. She said I'd recognize this person because he'd feel the same as the man in my dream, even though he wouldn't look the same. I've always known the feel of vampires in my dreams. Rarely, I thought I could recognized them in waking life, but I'd always told myself I couldn't be sure and it was probably just my imagination. Now I know better. I've met self-professed vampires and they do have that feel to them sometimes. I seem to feel it from those who call themselves "sang", but not from those who call themselves "psi". Being able to sense vampires is sometimes called a beacon effect, especially when the person who's sensing them is an awakening or partially awakened vampire. (When a full vampire senses other vampires it's sometimes called vampdar, like vampire-radar.)
So anyway, I've had repeated periods in my life (when I was perhaps reading too much vampire fiction, watching too much vampire TV shows or reading and posting on real vampire forums), periods when I start to feel like I might be a vampire myself. I hate the weird and extremely uncomfortable hunger-like feelings that accompany these periods. It's like a cross between hunger and PMS, and it really makes you want to snap at people. You have no patience. Your muscles are tense. You try to eat as you normally would, but you either still feel hungry after you eat, or you take a few bites and then don't really want the food. In the past when I've started to feel like this, I've always been able to make it go away, to repress it perhaps and shove it back down into it's little box in my subconscious, to be forgotten until it decides to pop up again later.
Sometimes it's abated when I go out into nature for awhile, when I have a conversation with someone who's emotionally stirred up, or when I have a dream of vampirically feeding off someone. Last February, when I was feeling like this, I was sitting in a lecture at a small psychic fair and trying to breathe in energy from the people around me. A woman in front of me acted uncomfortable, moved her chair a few inches away from me, then got up and moved to the other side of the room. I wondered if I'd given her the sensation I call the "creepy-crawlies". I wondered if she's been able to tell that I was trying to feed off her energy, and had moved away from me in response. The next day, I asked a woman who was like a psychic why I'd been dreaming of being a vampire or being told I was a vampire. She gave me a vague answer that didn't really feel right to me, yet when she specifically said I was not a psychic vampire that feeds off people, I was satisfied with that part of her answer and the feeling that I might be one went away again for about a month.
Everytime I've felt like this, I convince myself that it's not real, it's all in my head, I have an overactive imagination and I'm creating psychosomatic symptoms.
Now I'm feeling like this again and I'm still trying to tell myself and my online vampire friends that it's probably just in my head, it's the heat, not getting enough sleep and not eating right that's doing this to me. Today I said in chat on a vampire board that it was just because my energy was low. But later, I thought that explanation didn't really explain it all away. Yeah, so my energy was low for whatever reason. But normal people don't feel like they're hungry for something besides food or get a prickly chill-like feeling along their skin when their energy is low. They don't feel like they want to snap at people or that every cell in their body is screaming when their energy is low. When normal people have low energy, they just get tired, then they eat food or sleep, and then they feel better.
All of this begs the question then, what am I? I know one vampire who says I'm a normal human, but two others who say I don't feel like a vampire and I don't exactly feel like a normal human either, and still another (who knows me only from online and in chat) who says he's always thought I did "feel" like a vampire. Meanwhile, I keep saying I'm not one, I don't want to be one, and the thought of actually being one makes me feel sick to my stomach.
The thing is, though, that sick-to-my-stomach feeling I had last week when I thought I might actually be a vampire is very much like the feeling I get just before I get fired from a job or a relationship falls apart. And it's a feeling that's almost always right.
My online vampire friend says I sound like I don't want to be labeled and that I shouldn't worry about the label, but just be what I am. That's very kind advice and I thank him for it, but it's not really that simple, is it? Right now I'm trying to say to myself and to the people on my vampire boards, that I'm not really a vampire, but there's some part of me that's like a vampire. There's still that part of me that senses energy sometimes and seems to feed off it sometimes. There's still that part of me the enjoys dreaming of feeding off people. There's still that part of me that is more attracted than I should be to someone's blood when they have a cut and show it to me. I've never "vamped-out", as the vampires call it, but I do still feel an abnormal attraction to blood.
The picture at the top of this page of a starving tiger symbolizes how this hunger feels inside me. That picture reminds me of a dream I had in which a starving cougar was trapped in the same kind of small cage. Since I consider Cougar to be one of my totem or power animals, it was significant that She was trapped and starving inside a cage. I knew she needed fresh meat and to be able to run and hunt freely. I thought She represented some side of myself that was being caged and repressed and was thus starving. I first dreamt of Courgar around the same time that I was first dreaming of being a vampire. Maybe, then, she represents a vampiric aspect of my nature, my vampire side even, and now She's demanding to be let loose.
- Persephone
No comments:
Post a Comment