Moving to Live Journal / Nagas

I'm going to try posting my online journal at Live Journal after today. Nobody reads this Blogger one, and Rune, Michelle Belanger and this other woman I'd like to corespond with are all on Live Journal. I killed my Facebook account and dropped off the True Blood forums too. I'm trying to get rid of online sites that don't serve me. My Live Journal page is here, in case anyone wants to read it or friend me.

http://persephonetoo.livejournal.com/

I've been thinking lately that the kind of otherkin I might be is a naga. The term comes from Hindu mythology, meaning a spirit (sometimes seen as a deity) who is associated with and guards springs, rivers, subteranian waters and such. They can take the form of snakes, humans or snake-human hybrids. They seem to have been water elementals originally, but then became either minor deities or just spirit beings that inhabit that particular body of water. The following is my interpretation of how they may have developed.

When the universe formed from the Big Bang, it spiraled outward in a serpentine form. Later, when plant and animal life began to develop on our own planet, our DNA also took a dual serpent form, the double helix. Later still, when the first shamans tried to envision what created our world and all the life-forms on it, they often envisioned a great, dark, Primal Sea from which sprang a Primal Serpent. This Primal Serpent then either created all Life out of itself or created a male consort, mated with it, and birthed all life from this union.

Our ancient ancestors probably didn't know about the Big Bang, atomic theory, or DNA, so how did they get so close in their descriptions of these things? Some people suggest aliens told them, but I prefer to think spirits beings that we often label as deities told them in their dreams, meditations and astral travels. I also think spirit beings have existed far longer than our physical world has, and that when our world was formed, many of them decided to come here and hang out. Many of them were and are what we might call elementals, spirits that resided in fire, water, earth, air or whatever. I think nagas were a type of water elemental that decided to associate with springs, rivers, lakes, seas, subteranian waters and etc. I think they decided to take a serpentine form either in imitation of the Cosmic Spiral (aka Primal Serpent) or because the form of a snake suited their fluid, changable nature.

Humans would then find springs and rivers and wonder what sort of divine being could have created this wonderful fresh water. Since there were often snakes nearby, they envisioned the spirits of these waters must be serpentine as well. They could have just as easily envisioned some other animal or humanoid form for the spirits protecting these sacred waters, but they almost universally saw them as serpentine. Why? Maybe because the elemental spirits associated with such waters really were serpentine. As people worshiped such spirits as deities, they then became deities. When they were seen as helpful to humans, they became helpful deities. When they were seen as vengeful or tricksters, they became vengeful or trickster deities.

Such serpentine water-spirits have been thought to exist all over the world, from the Middle East and Aisa to Europe and the Americas. Their natures and behavior in myth and legend are often similar, as well. In India and parts of Asia they're called nagas or nagini (a female naga). In other lands, they have other names. The Greek lamia can be seen as a type of naga, as can the Basque lamiak and the Slavic rusalka. They're water-spirits who are usually feminine and serpentine. Sometimes they help people. Sometimes they seduce and drown unwary men. They're usually attractive, with stunning eyes. But they can also be ugly and fearsome.

Dreams and Reality, flowing together like water.

I'm in an odd mood just now, so I felt like posting about it. I was reading my friend Rune's Live Journal where he was posting about feeling kind of sad and lonely. It's so strange to be able to read that, like reading someone's diary. It makes me want to give him a hug or send him comforting words. Yet, that post was made a couple weeks ago, so maybe it's not even relevant anymore.

I've never posted on his Live Journal, but maybe I will now. I wanted to post a link to a YouTube clip of the 1st episode of "True Blood" to Michelle Belanger's Live Journal. So, I finally signed up and posted to hers. That feels weird too. I don't really know her except through other people (Rune and Morgan). I've only met her once, so I expect she'll have no idea who I am. I mentioned at the bottom of my post that I'm a friend of Rune's, but I don't think he goes by that name among the Kheprians.

It's so odd, all the different layers of reality. The real vampire community lies hidden just below the surface of mundane reality, yet it's right here on the Internet for anyone willing to look for it. To most people, self-professed vampires are delusional freaks. But the ones I know in real life are quite sane and just live in a reality that most people don't comprehend as actually existing.

I'm glad I've lately gotten involved with some psychically sensitive people who aren't vampires or otherkin. I've been taking psychic perception classes with a guy who's sensitive and telepathic. I took him to meet my vampire friends about a month ago, and the meeting was interesting. He could tell they were vampires, as he could tell I was one, because he could feel the energy draw on his legs. He tried to create energy that he hoped they could feed on instead of feeding off people, but it didn't really work. Rune said it "tasted" sort of like Ramen instead of real food. I said I thought of it like Doritos instead of steak. Working with Rune, my friend Joey was able to create a form of energy that felt almost like prana.

The next time we had a class together, he was able to feed me some of this energy, and I could tell the difference between it and the previous stuff. It really did feel more like "food" for a psychic vampire. Later in that same class, he tried feeding me fear, because I'd said I liked fear. It felt really "yummy" and almost addictive. It made me want to go to a scary movie to feed off the audience. Still, I don't think fear is a very healthy emotion for me to feed from, even though it do really like it.

I got fired from my job of 13 years last Friday. I don't feel sad though. Mostly I just feel liberated. I hated that job most of the time I was there. I've got enough money in the bank to take care of my expenses until the begining of next year. I need to get another job, but I'm not really worried about being unemployed right now.

Rune had posted in one of his Live Journal entries about dreaming of being asked to come back to work at Macy's. When I read that, I wondered if his dream might've had something to do with my situation, because I'm hoping to go back to my old job at the blood bank.

I slept over at his house August 2nd and 3rd. On the morning of the 3rd, Rune and I both had dreams of each other, and he woke with a small set of parallel scratches on his right cheek. I think I dreamwalked to him and might have psi-fed a little from him. On August 16th I felt like I dreamt of him in a similar way, sensual, but not a regular sort of dream. Then he posted in his Live Journal about having strange dreams of thinking of going back to Macy's and of having a chuck of his hair pulled off. Then he worked a booth at the Reno Gay Pride Festival. Then I took Joey up to meet him, Mojo and Megan on Sunday, and that interaction tired Rune out further, so he had to go home to "feed" on his husband and girlfriend.

On August 25th he posted of feeling sad and lonely. On the morning of August 25, I had odd lucid dreams, but Rune wasn't in them. (There was a part where I was by my old elementary school and a man was force-feeding veal to some rabbits.) I was feeling sad that day too, though.

Sunday August 31st, I went up to Reno again and gave Rune his birthday presents, which he liked. He gave me a reading for my present, which turned out to be depressing. Then I drank absinthe for the first time and got quite high off it. Then I slept on the sofa while Rune stayed up on his laptop. When he went to bed, at dawn, I woke up and didn't really sleep again. In the morning Mojo showed me he had a weird scratch on his right shoulder, but I didn't think I'd dreamwalked to him because I didn't remember dreaming of him. I told him the last time I'd slept over, Rune had woken with a strange scratch on his cheek. Mojo said he hadn't heard that story.

This morning (Sept 8th) I dreamt of visiting with Mojo in Reno (though the area looked more like South Lake Tahoe). I told him in the dream that I got fired, but I actually felt liberated. I also reminded him that today is my birthday. I feel like I really did dreamwalk to Mojo this morning, mostly because my dream version of him felt like him.

- P.

Musings: Still Trying to Figure Out What I Am

I might be some kind of otherkin, but I'm still trying to figure out what kind. I keep exploring dreams I've had or am having to see what themes keep coming up. Are there any that seem like real past-life memories? What am I consistently drawn to? (Nature, water, and especially the sea are some things.) What animals and symbols resonate for me? What do these symbolize? Are there things that used to scare me in dreams, that now attract me instead? Are the symbols and themes that resonate most strongly with me consistant with ones associated with some particular mythical being? Do I feel like my astral body could have wings or a tail or some other shape? Is this feeling consistent? or is it more likely just some idea I'm projecting at the moment? Are my usual thoughts, feelings or reactions consistent with those of a particular non-human being? Can these thoughts, feelings and reactions be explained with more mundane explanations? (The more unusual and more convoluted explanations are less likely to be real.)

The 2 posssible types of otherkin I keep thinking I could be are lamia and Anunnaki alien.

1. When I was in college and feeling frustrated about always dreaming of being a vampire, I asked a dream guide in a lucid dream, "Am I a human pretending to be a vampire or a vampire pretending to be a human pretending to be a vampire? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I?" The guide responded with "Inanna-lamia, Inanna-lamia, Inanna-lamia. " I woke and thought that was weird. I didn't know what it meant, and still don't, but it seemed significant.

2. I had a dream in college about Lamia being a sort of ancient muse who inspired Keats and Yeats.

3. I had a couple of dreams of being an alien who crashed on Earth with others of my kind. We looked human. In one of these I had a sister who said "I hate humans". In the other one, we were in ancient times and went into a coastal city that looked Minoan or possibly Sumerian.

4. I often have dreams of evil aliens trying to take over the Earth. But when I get close to them, they either treat me like I'm one of them or try to turn me into one of them. (I think dreaming of being an alien could just symbolize feeling like I'm not like other people.)

5. I had a couple of times last year when the word "Anunnaki" popped into my head. I looked it up online and found those alien conspiracy sites where people equate the Sumerian Anunnaki with Elohim, Watcher Angels and Nephalim. (After doing some online research, I think the Watcher Angel and Nephalim myths come from the earlier Sumerian myths.)

6. I once had a dream of sea serpents coming through into our world from another dimension in the ancient past. Last year I had a couple dreams about friendly, protective sea serpents. I also had dreams about sharks, and in one dream the shark seemed sort of like a guardian or symbol of spiritual transformation.

7. I have an affinity for nature, for water, and especially for the ocean. I recharge my "batteries" at the river or by the ocean.

8. I see my primary Goddess as having a strong ocean aspect. When I was a child, I thought of and talked to the Pacific Ocean as if it were a goddess. In my dreams, a great primal sea is one way that my Goddess manifests to me.

9. In the past, I used to be scared of the ocean in my dreams, but I'm not any more.

10. In the past, I used to be scared of pits full of snakes or swamps full of crocodiles/alligators in my dreams, but I'm not anymore. Ever since I dreamt last year of a friendly black snake that I equated with the goddess Persephone, I see snakes as being symbolic of personal transformation and wisdom.

11. Spiritually, the Mother Goddess I relate best to is one of the Primal Ocean. In ancient times this force was often represented as a sea serpent (such a Tiamat). The serpent is an almost universal symbol of the original creative force. The spiral of the serpent is the spiral of the great mystery of the cycle of Life, Death, Transformation and Rebirth. The double serpent (such as Dumballa and Aiyda Wedo in Voudou) is also the double helix of DNA, the natural source of Life and Evolution on our planet.

Lamia and lamiae are represented in various ways in myth an folklore.

1. The earliest aspect of Lamia in history was as a Lybian ocean goddess with a shark or sea monster aspect.

2. In myth and legend, she is a being who can change shape between that of a serpent and a beautiful woman, who can travel in her dreams, who creates illusions, seduces men and then "eats" them or drinks their blood. (Drinking blood is often a metaphore for taking life-force.)

3. Some early Greek representations of lamiae show them as winged bird-women akin to harpies or striges. A winged aspect often represents something that can "fly" or travel in spirit form. (Maria Gimbutas says the prehistoric Mother Goddess of the primal seas is represented with both bird and serpent forms.)

4. Most representations of Lamia and lamiae are of serpent-women. A serpent aspect often represents Underworl d associations, something subtle that can sneak into one's presense, ancient fertility cults, arcane wisdom, immortality, and transformation.

5. Sumerian lili, lilu and lilitu spirits are succubi and incubi associated with the older fertility goddess Lilitu and the later fertility goddess Inanna. They're sometimes called "wind-demons" because air, wind, breath, spirit and life-force are synonymous concepts in most older cultures. (In the Epic of Gilgamesh, the Ardat Lili is a "handmaiden of Inanna" or sacred prostitute who seduces and civilizes the wildman Enkidu.)

6. Akkadian Ardat lili and Irdu lili were succubi and incubi who suduced men and women in their sleep and could take the form of serpents in order to slip unnoticed into a house. The lilitu were thought to drain men of their life-force until they would eventually die. These men who wasted away were called bridegrooms of the lilitu. (Hebrew beliefs about Lilith and her children the lilim come from these beliefs.)

7. The Greek lamiea were usually seen as non-human beings who would try to seduce unwary men and then eat them. In earlier legends they were also seen as the ghosts of young women who had recently died.

8. Keats and Yeats both wrote about spirit women who both inspired creativity and drained a man of his life-force. "Lamia" and "La Belle Dame Sans Merci" were two of Keats' poems with this theme. Keats died young of a wasting disease. Yeats resisted his "dark muse" and lived to an older age.

9. The Basque lamia/lamiak/ laminak are faerie beings who live near caves, rivers and lakes. The females are beautiful women who comb their hair with golden combs and have the feet of ducks or other water birds. (This symbolizes their connection to water.) The males are builders of bridges and castles. Neither are particularity dangerous or mischevious.

10. The first view of Lamia (the Lybian sea goddess) is probably of a primal Goddess of Life, Death, Transformation and Rebirth. The serpent Goddess of Minoan Crete is a similar representation, and from her come the Greek myths of Demeter and Persephone. I think it's clear the Minoan Goddess evolved in part from the Goddess of Catal Hayuk. She must also be connected to the Primal Serpent Creator, since Minoan priestess or goddess figurines are often shown with snakes wraped around thier arms and waists. In some myths and rituals surrounding the cult of Demeter-Persephone- Hades, Hades is represented as a serpent. Since Persephone weds him, she also has to have a serpent aspect. (This is from Joseph Campbell's "Occident al Mythology".)

- In my persona as Persephone I also have associations with the mystery of the cycle of Life, Sex, Death, Transformation, and Rebirth. When a psi-vamp friend did a tarot reading for me, I had the Death card in a prominant position. He said I'm fascinated by Death and see it as comforting. He laughed and said I was "such a freaking otherkin". When I recently had him do a birth chart reading for me, "Sex and Death" were in similar prominant positions. He says I understand my own psychological Underworld very well, and because of this I also understand other people's psychological Underworlds (the secrets that make them tick). I think there's a good bit of truth to this assesment.

What am I in terms of otherkin? Why is is so hard for me to know my core Self? I know my Self better than most people know theirs. I see into my past lives. I know which deity forms I relate to. Yet, I can't be sure if I have a true otherkin nature, and if I do, what it is. Water is part of it. The Primal Sea is part of it. Feeling alien or "not of this world" is part of it. I like the idea of being lamia-kin, but I'm not really sure what this would be. It's not a common kin-type, though it does seem to fit with my dreamwalking, my attraction to nature, water and the sea, my psi-feeding through sex and dreams, and my resonance with the mysteries of Life, Death, Transformation, and Rebirth.

In my tarot reading, my friend said that where I show up, I bring change (symbolized by Death). I think there's some truth in this assesment too. - P.

Tired Today + Doubting Myself

I've been tired today. I probably only got 4 hours of sleep last night, so that's part of the problem.

I've been getting teens from Yahoo! Answers writng to me and wanting advice. I love being able to help people who might be awakening vamps or otherkin. But right now, I'm doubting if I'm even vampiric or otherkin.

This seems to be a natural cycle for me, where I doubt it for a while, until I get new confirmation.

I know I've had some vampiric experiences. I don't believe that was all just my imagination. But my sense of subtle energy is so poor most of the time and I don't seem to psi-feed much, so it's easy to doubt myself.

I was wondering if I was tired only because I didn't get enough sleep or if it was low pranic energy. I haven't had other symptoms.

- P.

Feeling down today

I'm feeling down today. I've got so much stuff I need to do for mundane reality that I haven't been attending to doing. I realize that I do have an escapist mentality, that I procrastinate and avoid dealing with stuff when I don't want to deal with it.

This morning I tried to find an entry in one of my dream journals/diaries about a dream I remembered yesterday. It was partly about a crocodile trying to bite my dog (which I later took to be symbolic of the cancer she got) and partly about a polyamorous household. I vaguely recalled it and wondered if it might've been a premonition about my vamp and otherkin friends in Reno. I spent all day looking through and reading parts of old journals from the past 3 years, but I couldn't find it.

I ask myself what did I gain from this effort? Did I learn anything useful? It was a little interesting to review my attitude about vampires and my own prospect of being one from 2 years ago. I found the online vampire community in August 2005. The DDD board brought exciting ideas and a new spark to my life, but I fought for 2 years against the idea that I could actually be a vampire myself. I still don't embrace this idea fully. I keep doubting myself now and then.

I had many dreams from 2005 to 2007 of being a vampire or being told I was a vampire, but I kept telling myself it was all symbolic of power and freedom I wanted in my life. It's true that I did want to feel empowered, that I wished for the spark of hope I had when I was younger and believed I might someday meet the vampire from my dreams. I found the online vampire community in August 2005, was a little scared of it at first, then intrigued and fascinated. In Sept. 2005, the day after my birthday, I dreamt of dream guides telling me I had vampires in my bloodline, implying I was one myself. I still continued to fight this idea, even in the face of apparent blood/prana cravings. I avoided the DDD board for months at a time, because I felt it might encourage psychosomatic symptoms in me.

When I tried to psi-feed at a small psychic fair and had a woman sitting in front of me act uncomfortable and move to the other side of the room, this was my 1st external evidence that made me think I might really be vampiric. After I met Tony and started being more sensitve to subtle energy, I thought it might be possible, but still fought the idea. When Tony said a person is either a vampire or not, no such thing as sympathetic vampirism, I felt sick to my stomach because I didn't want to be a vampire. I had Black Dragon tell me I didn't feel like a vamp, but I didn't feel exactly like a normal human either. I had one psychic tell me I was "on the cusp" between being human and vampire. I had Rune tell me I didn't feel like a typical vampire, but there did seem to be a vampiric side to me. I had Roxy tell me I was one. I had Ithrill tell me he thought I was one. I had my roommate tell me she thought I might be one. Then I had Rune tell me I was one too. The vampire boards always say you shouldn't tell someone if you think they're a vampire or not, but people still imply whether they think someone is or isn't one. I even do it on Yahoo! Answers.

A group of my vamp + otherkinfriends came down last weekend to go to 6 Flags with me and Kathrin. It was nice having them here, and I was glad my roommate got to meet them. She saw how Rune charms people and gets them to do things for him. She saw how Kaylee liked Michelle. She saw how Mojo is very reserved and close with his emotions. And she saw that they are all nice, friendly, real people.

I pissed off someone from Yahoo! Answers yesterday. He/she had written me a private email saying he/she had met a few "ancients" and knew sangs who didn't always feed consensually. I called him/her a role-player and said I had better things to do with my time that to have long corespondance with him/her. He/she wrote back to tell me I was extremely rude, and ask how they could be a role-player when they never claimed to be a vampire in the first place. Oh, well, I shouldn't expect everyone to like me.

- P.

A Chronology of my Interests in Vampires

I was just reading a post from a vampire elist I'm on that made me wonder when did the ahkh first appear as a symbol of modern vampirism? I think it may have first appeared in Whitley Strieber's novel The Hunger, (1981). In the book, Miriame Blaylock had a tounge that could pierce flesh, but I think John Blaylock may have worn the ankh-shaped pendant. Both characters wore it in the 1983 movie.

The question on the list was why are vampires associated with ancient Egypt? Of course the Kheprians claim an ancient Egyptian heritage, as do a few other vampire groups, but in popular culture, I think the link between vampires and Egypt 1st takes shape with The Hunger (1981-83).

Then I started thinking about personal influences on my views about vampires. My musings don't seem important enough to post to the list, but they are important to me, so here they are on my semi-private blog.

c. 1970 - I'm 5-6 years old. My babysitters watch the original "Dark Shadows" and think Barnabas Collins is sexy. I don't realize it until I'm in my early 20's and the remake series shows, but this original show had an impact on my subconscious. I would often dream of a crypt in a cemetary and a wooden table in an entry hall. I also imagined a blond vampire woman named Caroline. All of these images are from the original TV series.

c. 1974? - I'm probably 9 or 10? The first vampire book I read is Camilla, by Sheridan LeFanu (1871), which I get from the book mobile at school. Around this same time I also read Black Magic, White Magic and A Wrinkle in Time. These 3 books probably play a big part in influencing my beliefs and interests: vampires, witchcraft, alternate dimensions, and maybe my bisexuality. Around this time I also became lucid in my dreams. At first when I would dream of witches or vampires, I held them off with the small gold cross I wore. Once I felt I could control them in my dreams, I no longer feared them.

1976 - Interview With a Vampire, by Anne Rice, comes out. I'm 12 years old. I don't recall when I read it, but I think I may have been maybe 13 or 14?

1978 - I read Hotel Transilvania, by Chelsia Quinn Yarbro. I'm 14. The character of the Compt de St. Germain greatly influences my view of vampires, especially the idea that he could've been a real vampire and vampires could be real, living people.

1980 - I'm 16. I begin dreaming of P. and begin believing that vampires are real. Soon after, I begin having lucid dreams of being a vampire myself. Around this time I also dream of kissing an unknown man over his solar plexus and him then crying as if this had released strong emotions in him. I didn't understand his reaction then, but now I know about chakra points.

1983? - I have what I call a "shared dream" with my biology teacher, Mr. Wulff. I dream of running into his classroom in wolf form, then turning back into human form to talk with him. He says he dreamt that I ran away from home. Around this time I think I also dream of "Green Eyes", the unknown woman from whom I drank deeply and then felt filled with energy after I woke. Months or years later, I see this woman in Weinstocks, and she looks scared of me. When I watch "The Hunger" at Tower Theater with Justin, I'm aroused by the blood-sharing scene of Miriam and Suzan. I occationally make and drink a "fake blood" mixture of hot water, crushed iron supplement, egg white and salt.

1983-1989 - While in college, I have the lucid dream in which a young vampire woman with short red-dyed hair telles me Sekhmet is a "patroness of vampires". I look up the caloric value and componants of blood. I have the lucid dream in which I ask a dream guide "Am I a human pretending to be a vampire or a vampire pretending to be a human pretending to be a vampire? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I?" The dream guide replies back, "Inanna-Lamia, Inanna-Lamia, Inanna-Lamia." At this time I theorize that real vampirism could be caused by a virus of the Herpes-Zoster family. I write as Persephone in the free ads in "The Ardvark". I get the phone call from a young woman who asks for P. by name. Toward the end of college, I dream of P. less and less.

1988 - I read Queen of the Damned while I'm on jury duty one summer. I'm taken by the name Akasha because it's so like the ones from my 2nd Lamia dream, which said 2 of the "orginal 13 witches of the world" were named "Ankh-ka" and "Ankh-con-ka" or maybe "An-Ankh-ka".

c. 1991-1992? - While working long hours alone at West Coast Laboratories, I "hear" a voice in my head that says, "The loneliness of the lighthouse". I reply mentally, "But I'm not a lighthouse." The "voice" replies back, "You will be." Around this time, I have several hypnogogic past life memories, interesting dreams, and the remote-contoled TV's turn themselves on when I walk alone into a room.

c. 1970-1990 - I usually choose to dress as a vampire-witch for Halloween. Originally it was either a vampire or a witch, but then I just wanted to be both at the same time.

c. 1992? - While working at the blood bank, I dress as a vampire-bride for Halloween, complete with bleeding "bite marks" on my neck. While working here, I dream of being offered a chance to stay with a vampire and his mother in a lucid dream. I decline, saying I have to go to work in the morning. Toward the end of my time working here, I also dream that I can sense life energy or the essense of The Goddess in vials of blood in a test tube rack.

c. 1995 - While working at Physicians Clinical Lab, I record and watch "Forever Knight" and start feeling vampiric. I dream of biting Jason and feeding a little from him. The next day he acts kind of weird toward me. I imagine he tells Maria about the dream, but I don't know for sure what he's talking about with her. Around this time, I write my poem "Trust Not Me" in honor of Jason and my "dark side". When my "blood cravings" get strong, I repress them and make them go away.

c. 1997? - I tell David about my dream vampire and explain why I avoid reading too much vampire fiction or vampire erotica. I tell him that doing this brings out a vampiric side in me that scares me. He acts like he doesn't think I'm crazy and says that when he was in the Temple of Set, they believed in a Vampire Archetype that could influence people. While I'm dating David the first time around, I sometimes feel and take in his released energy when he orgasms. I try repeatedly to dream to him and bite him in dream, but I'm never successful.

- While I'm dating Duncan, I dream of attacking and feeding from a wolfman-like monster. Duncan wakes and leaps out of bed, stares at me in horror and keeps saying, "What are you? What are you?" I get him to calm down and come back to bed. I don't tell him about my dream.

- While I'm dating David the 2nd time, I usually feel and take in his released energy when he orgasms. He says once that he's surprized I can arouse him a 2nd time so soon after he comes. I half-jokingly tell him it's because I'm a succubus.

2005 - I discover the online vampire community.

2007 - February - I take the Online Vampire and Energy-Workers Survey and decide I could actually be a vampire. I experiment with conscious psi-feeding and see a woman react uncomfortably and move to the other side of the room. July - I met my first real vampires in person. Shortly thereafter, I begin sensing energy pretty strongly and getting hunger cravings that make me feel crazy. I tell Ithril and Mojo that I think I could actually be vampiric, but I don't tell anyone else. September - Tony kicks me out of his meet-up group and I join Mojo's instead. October - I attend House Lost Haven's Blood Moon weekend and Twilight in L.A.

2007- July - I meet my first vampires in person.

2007- October - I attend House Lost Haven's Blood Moon and Twilight, LA.

2008 - May - I attend the House Rosa Beltain ritual, planning to dedicate eventually as Dusk.

- P.

Another Dream with Michelle Belanger

From my dream journal / diary (3-28-08)

I dreamt of Micheller B. this morning around 3-4 am, I think. I hadn't been thinking of her when I went to sleep, only that I wished I could get energy in my sleep, so I'd be alet today. I went to sleep arouund 1:30 am, woke from this dream feeling energized and have felt fine all day, despite being sleep deprived for weeks, since I've been addicted to Yahoo Answers. I feel like I did dreamwalk to her somehow. It was weird.

"Lying with Michelle B." (3-28- 08)

- I'm lucid and in a room full of people, too big to be a living room, but comfortable, maybe like a dorm lounge. Most of the people are lying down to sleep on sofas or mats on the floor. I sit down on a sofa. Behnd it Michelle B. is lying down on a mat, with a mostly gray blanket over her.

I say hello to her. She asks me to lie down with her. I want to, but I don't feel like it's right. I'm sort of embarassed. I tell her I have to brush my teeth first. Then I think that if I walk away to look for a bathroom to brush my teeth, I might not find her again. I think her energy is probably low and she needs to draw off someone. I'm glad to be able to help her. I say ok.

I lift off her blanket and see she's wearing a black T-shirt and soft cotton black pants like pajamas or yoga pants. I think this is what she wears for pajamas. She's not wearing glasses. I think removing the blanket has probably let out heat that she needs to conserve, so I cover her back up. The blanket forms a space over her, and I say to her, "It's like a tent."

She seems to know my real name and "calls" me by it when she invites me again to lie next to her. I slide in next to her and snuggle in against her with her behind me. She puts her arms around me. I think I really like this. I feel safe and protected and happy that she can feed from my energy if she needs it. I feel very submissive.

She asks if I'm comfortable and if she can do something to me. I say, "Yes. If I don't like it, I can tell you to stop." She seems a little surprised that I'm so compliant and that I'm essentially negotiating a "safe word". I get the impression that she didn't expect me to act like a BDSM submissive. I get the impression that she didn't expect me to be familiar with such things.

She moves her right hand down over my ass and moves it foreward until it's positioned over my base/root chakra point. I'm surprised and startled by this intimacy. I feel a little surge of fear, then tell myself that fear probably increases the energy she can feed on from me. I tell myself to go along with it and let her conrtol what she's doing. As she hold her hand over this spot, I feel a surge of sexual pleasure that I'm afraid can wake me. I tell her, "No. Don't do that." She moves her hand away for a bit.

Probably at this point I hear a sort of "voice-over" about a lecture. I think she's probably in this town for a lecture presentation. The professor is an older, tall man with glasses. I also hear her voice as she lectures about something. (I've forgotten the details because I didn't write them down as soon as I woke.)

She puts her hand back over that spot again, causing this surge of sexual pleasure again. I try to just ride it out and not get upset about it. She reaches forward just a little, so her middle finger is touching my genital area. I think she's probably trying to stir up and feed off my sexual energy, I feel like it's too much for me. I tell her again to stop. She stops for a bit, but then does it again, stirring up alot of sexual energy in me each time she touches me there. I think this is too much sexual arousal for me, and it's going to make me wake up. I tell her, "Stop, stop," but she doesn't stop.

Then suddenly I wake, feeling perfectly awake and clear-headed, even though I'd only slept a few hours. I want to go right back to sleep to be back there with her again. I want to have the feeling of being safe and secure in her embrace and letting her feed off me if she can, but without the sexual stimulation she was doing to me. I try to go back to sleep, but I don't go back into that dream setting with her. When I do wake around 5 am, I feel perfectly rested and energized.

- So what's with these dreams? Is Michelle B. just symbolic of something for me? Maybe my dream was inspired by having looked at the picture of her above? This dream felt like dreamwalking, but I'd be too embarassed to email her and ask her about it (even though Midi said I should ask her about the previous ones.) She's a celebrity, and I've only met her once in real life. I'm a fan, but I'm not a fauning, irrational fan. (No, she's not my bishee.) I do find her intriguing and attractive, though. Then too, Rune has told some interesting stories about her that make her seem even more fascinating. - This is just too weird.

Notes on the root chakra (3-30-08)

"The Root Chakra
Finally, there is a center located near the genitals. This is the Root and it is the seat of the sexual force. As such, it can be equated with Min, the ithyphallic fertility principle of ancient Egypt."
http://www.kheperu.org/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=105&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0

"The first chakra, located at the base of the spine at the perineum is the root chakra, muladhara."

"When we cut ourselves off from physical stimulation, we cut off the life-giving properties of the root chakra. Over a long period of time, this denial of the root chakra can lead to physical and/or emotional dysfunction. We will talk about this later in the chapter when we discuss kundalini energy - an energy awakened from the root chakra."

"An imbalance or weakness in the root chakra can lead to feelings of fear of instability, abandonment, and insecurity, as well as a depletion of vital energy. Yet it also controls sensations of bliss, both physical and mental, and fuels the will to survive, to find safety, and to accumulate material wealth. Because of this, it is often associated with one's choice of profession. When, through various forms of meditation the root chakra begins to open and energize, there is often a sensation of heat in the abdomen or third eye area. You may experience heightened emotions or empathic sensitivity when stimulating the root chakra...."
http://raphiem.com/bms/sp_chaklife.php

- P.