Feeling down today

I'm feeling down today. I've got so much stuff I need to do for mundane reality that I haven't been attending to doing. I realize that I do have an escapist mentality, that I procrastinate and avoid dealing with stuff when I don't want to deal with it.

This morning I tried to find an entry in one of my dream journals/diaries about a dream I remembered yesterday. It was partly about a crocodile trying to bite my dog (which I later took to be symbolic of the cancer she got) and partly about a polyamorous household. I vaguely recalled it and wondered if it might've been a premonition about my vamp and otherkin friends in Reno. I spent all day looking through and reading parts of old journals from the past 3 years, but I couldn't find it.

I ask myself what did I gain from this effort? Did I learn anything useful? It was a little interesting to review my attitude about vampires and my own prospect of being one from 2 years ago. I found the online vampire community in August 2005. The DDD board brought exciting ideas and a new spark to my life, but I fought for 2 years against the idea that I could actually be a vampire myself. I still don't embrace this idea fully. I keep doubting myself now and then.

I had many dreams from 2005 to 2007 of being a vampire or being told I was a vampire, but I kept telling myself it was all symbolic of power and freedom I wanted in my life. It's true that I did want to feel empowered, that I wished for the spark of hope I had when I was younger and believed I might someday meet the vampire from my dreams. I found the online vampire community in August 2005, was a little scared of it at first, then intrigued and fascinated. In Sept. 2005, the day after my birthday, I dreamt of dream guides telling me I had vampires in my bloodline, implying I was one myself. I still continued to fight this idea, even in the face of apparent blood/prana cravings. I avoided the DDD board for months at a time, because I felt it might encourage psychosomatic symptoms in me.

When I tried to psi-feed at a small psychic fair and had a woman sitting in front of me act uncomfortable and move to the other side of the room, this was my 1st external evidence that made me think I might really be vampiric. After I met Tony and started being more sensitve to subtle energy, I thought it might be possible, but still fought the idea. When Tony said a person is either a vampire or not, no such thing as sympathetic vampirism, I felt sick to my stomach because I didn't want to be a vampire. I had Black Dragon tell me I didn't feel like a vamp, but I didn't feel exactly like a normal human either. I had one psychic tell me I was "on the cusp" between being human and vampire. I had Rune tell me I didn't feel like a typical vampire, but there did seem to be a vampiric side to me. I had Roxy tell me I was one. I had Ithrill tell me he thought I was one. I had my roommate tell me she thought I might be one. Then I had Rune tell me I was one too. The vampire boards always say you shouldn't tell someone if you think they're a vampire or not, but people still imply whether they think someone is or isn't one. I even do it on Yahoo! Answers.

A group of my vamp + otherkinfriends came down last weekend to go to 6 Flags with me and Kathrin. It was nice having them here, and I was glad my roommate got to meet them. She saw how Rune charms people and gets them to do things for him. She saw how Kaylee liked Michelle. She saw how Mojo is very reserved and close with his emotions. And she saw that they are all nice, friendly, real people.

I pissed off someone from Yahoo! Answers yesterday. He/she had written me a private email saying he/she had met a few "ancients" and knew sangs who didn't always feed consensually. I called him/her a role-player and said I had better things to do with my time that to have long corespondance with him/her. He/she wrote back to tell me I was extremely rude, and ask how they could be a role-player when they never claimed to be a vampire in the first place. Oh, well, I shouldn't expect everyone to like me.

- P.