I'm feeling down today. I've got so much stuff I need to do for mundane reality that I haven't been attending to doing. I realize that I do have an escapist mentality, that I procrastinate and avoid dealing with stuff when I don't want to deal with it.
This morning I tried to find an entry in one of my dream journals/diaries about a dream I remembered yesterday. It was partly about a crocodile trying to bite my dog (which I later took to be symbolic of the cancer she got) and partly about a polyamorous household. I vaguely recalled it and wondered if it might've been a premonition about my vamp and otherkin friends in Reno. I spent all day looking through and reading parts of old journals from the past 3 years, but I couldn't find it.
I ask myself what did I gain from this effort? Did I learn anything useful? It was a little interesting to review my attitude about vampires and my own prospect of being one from 2 years ago. I found the online vampire community in August 2005. The DDD board brought exciting ideas and a new spark to my life, but I fought for 2 years against the idea that I could actually be a vampire myself. I still don't embrace this idea fully. I keep doubting myself now and then.
I had many dreams from 2005 to 2007 of being a vampire or being told I was a vampire, but I kept telling myself it was all symbolic of power and freedom I wanted in my life. It's true that I did want to feel empowered, that I wished for the spark of hope I had when I was younger and believed I might someday meet the vampire from my dreams. I found the online vampire community in August 2005, was a little scared of it at first, then intrigued and fascinated. In Sept. 2005, the day after my birthday, I dreamt of dream guides telling me I had vampires in my bloodline, implying I was one myself. I still continued to fight this idea, even in the face of apparent blood/prana cravings. I avoided the DDD board for months at a time, because I felt it might encourage psychosomatic symptoms in me.
When I tried to psi-feed at a small psychic fair and had a woman sitting in front of me act uncomfortable and move to the other side of the room, this was my 1st external evidence that made me think I might really be vampiric. After I met Tony and started being more sensitve to subtle energy, I thought it might be possible, but still fought the idea. When Tony said a person is either a vampire or not, no such thing as sympathetic vampirism, I felt sick to my stomach because I didn't want to be a vampire. I had Black Dragon tell me I didn't feel like a vamp, but I didn't feel exactly like a normal human either. I had one psychic tell me I was "on the cusp" between being human and vampire. I had Rune tell me I didn't feel like a typical vampire, but there did seem to be a vampiric side to me. I had Roxy tell me I was one. I had Ithrill tell me he thought I was one. I had my roommate tell me she thought I might be one. Then I had Rune tell me I was one too. The vampire boards always say you shouldn't tell someone if you think they're a vampire or not, but people still imply whether they think someone is or isn't one. I even do it on Yahoo! Answers.
A group of my vamp + otherkinfriends came down last weekend to go to 6 Flags with me and Kathrin. It was nice having them here, and I was glad my roommate got to meet them. She saw how Rune charms people and gets them to do things for him. She saw how Kaylee liked Michelle. She saw how Mojo is very reserved and close with his emotions. And she saw that they are all nice, friendly, real people.
I pissed off someone from Yahoo! Answers yesterday. He/she had written me a private email saying he/she had met a few "ancients" and knew sangs who didn't always feed consensually. I called him/her a role-player and said I had better things to do with my time that to have long corespondance with him/her. He/she wrote back to tell me I was extremely rude, and ask how they could be a role-player when they never claimed to be a vampire in the first place. Oh, well, I shouldn't expect everyone to like me.
- P.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
A Chronology of my Interests in Vampires
I was just reading a post from a vampire elist I'm on that made me wonder when did the ahkh first appear as a symbol of modern vampirism? I think it may have first appeared in Whitley Strieber's novel The Hunger, (1981). In the book, Miriame Blaylock had a tounge that could pierce flesh, but I think John Blaylock may have worn the ankh-shaped pendant. Both characters wore it in the 1983 movie.
The question on the list was why are vampires associated with ancient Egypt? Of course the Kheprians claim an ancient Egyptian heritage, as do a few other vampire groups, but in popular culture, I think the link between vampires and Egypt 1st takes shape with The Hunger (1981-83).
Then I started thinking about personal influences on my views about vampires. My musings don't seem important enough to post to the list, but they are important to me, so here they are on my semi-private blog.
c. 1970 - I'm 5-6 years old. My babysitters watch the original "Dark Shadows" and think Barnabas Collins is sexy. I don't realize it until I'm in my early 20's and the remake series shows, but this original show had an impact on my subconscious. I would often dream of a crypt in a cemetary and a wooden table in an entry hall. I also imagined a blond vampire woman named Caroline. All of these images are from the original TV series.
c. 1974? - I'm probably 9 or 10? The first vampire book I read is Camilla, by Sheridan LeFanu (1871), which I get from the book mobile at school. Around this same time I also read Black Magic, White Magic and A Wrinkle in Time. These 3 books probably play a big part in influencing my beliefs and interests: vampires, witchcraft, alternate dimensions, and maybe my bisexuality. Around this time I also became lucid in my dreams. At first when I would dream of witches or vampires, I held them off with the small gold cross I wore. Once I felt I could control them in my dreams, I no longer feared them.
1976 - Interview With a Vampire, by Anne Rice, comes out. I'm 12 years old. I don't recall when I read it, but I think I may have been maybe 13 or 14?
1978 - I read Hotel Transilvania, by Chelsia Quinn Yarbro. I'm 14. The character of the Compt de St. Germain greatly influences my view of vampires, especially the idea that he could've been a real vampire and vampires could be real, living people.
1980 - I'm 16. I begin dreaming of P. and begin believing that vampires are real. Soon after, I begin having lucid dreams of being a vampire myself. Around this time I also dream of kissing an unknown man over his solar plexus and him then crying as if this had released strong emotions in him. I didn't understand his reaction then, but now I know about chakra points.
1983? - I have what I call a "shared dream" with my biology teacher, Mr. Wulff. I dream of running into his classroom in wolf form, then turning back into human form to talk with him. He says he dreamt that I ran away from home. Around this time I think I also dream of "Green Eyes", the unknown woman from whom I drank deeply and then felt filled with energy after I woke. Months or years later, I see this woman in Weinstocks, and she looks scared of me. When I watch "The Hunger" at Tower Theater with Justin, I'm aroused by the blood-sharing scene of Miriam and Suzan. I occationally make and drink a "fake blood" mixture of hot water, crushed iron supplement, egg white and salt.
1983-1989 - While in college, I have the lucid dream in which a young vampire woman with short red-dyed hair telles me Sekhmet is a "patroness of vampires". I look up the caloric value and componants of blood. I have the lucid dream in which I ask a dream guide "Am I a human pretending to be a vampire or a vampire pretending to be a human pretending to be a vampire? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I?" The dream guide replies back, "Inanna-Lamia, Inanna-Lamia, Inanna-Lamia." At this time I theorize that real vampirism could be caused by a virus of the Herpes-Zoster family. I write as Persephone in the free ads in "The Ardvark". I get the phone call from a young woman who asks for P. by name. Toward the end of college, I dream of P. less and less.
1988 - I read Queen of the Damned while I'm on jury duty one summer. I'm taken by the name Akasha because it's so like the ones from my 2nd Lamia dream, which said 2 of the "orginal 13 witches of the world" were named "Ankh-ka" and "Ankh-con-ka" or maybe "An-Ankh-ka".
c. 1991-1992? - While working long hours alone at West Coast Laboratories, I "hear" a voice in my head that says, "The loneliness of the lighthouse". I reply mentally, "But I'm not a lighthouse." The "voice" replies back, "You will be." Around this time, I have several hypnogogic past life memories, interesting dreams, and the remote-contoled TV's turn themselves on when I walk alone into a room.
c. 1970-1990 - I usually choose to dress as a vampire-witch for Halloween. Originally it was either a vampire or a witch, but then I just wanted to be both at the same time.
c. 1992? - While working at the blood bank, I dress as a vampire-bride for Halloween, complete with bleeding "bite marks" on my neck. While working here, I dream of being offered a chance to stay with a vampire and his mother in a lucid dream. I decline, saying I have to go to work in the morning. Toward the end of my time working here, I also dream that I can sense life energy or the essense of The Goddess in vials of blood in a test tube rack.
c. 1995 - While working at Physicians Clinical Lab, I record and watch "Forever Knight" and start feeling vampiric. I dream of biting Jason and feeding a little from him. The next day he acts kind of weird toward me. I imagine he tells Maria about the dream, but I don't know for sure what he's talking about with her. Around this time, I write my poem "Trust Not Me" in honor of Jason and my "dark side". When my "blood cravings" get strong, I repress them and make them go away.
c. 1997? - I tell David about my dream vampire and explain why I avoid reading too much vampire fiction or vampire erotica. I tell him that doing this brings out a vampiric side in me that scares me. He acts like he doesn't think I'm crazy and says that when he was in the Temple of Set, they believed in a Vampire Archetype that could influence people. While I'm dating David the first time around, I sometimes feel and take in his released energy when he orgasms. I try repeatedly to dream to him and bite him in dream, but I'm never successful.
- While I'm dating Duncan, I dream of attacking and feeding from a wolfman-like monster. Duncan wakes and leaps out of bed, stares at me in horror and keeps saying, "What are you? What are you?" I get him to calm down and come back to bed. I don't tell him about my dream.
- While I'm dating David the 2nd time, I usually feel and take in his released energy when he orgasms. He says once that he's surprized I can arouse him a 2nd time so soon after he comes. I half-jokingly tell him it's because I'm a succubus.
2005 - I discover the online vampire community.
2007 - February - I take the Online Vampire and Energy-Workers Survey and decide I could actually be a vampire. I experiment with conscious psi-feeding and see a woman react uncomfortably and move to the other side of the room. July - I met my first real vampires in person. Shortly thereafter, I begin sensing energy pretty strongly and getting hunger cravings that make me feel crazy. I tell Ithril and Mojo that I think I could actually be vampiric, but I don't tell anyone else. September - Tony kicks me out of his meet-up group and I join Mojo's instead. October - I attend House Lost Haven's Blood Moon weekend and Twilight in L.A.
2007- July - I meet my first vampires in person.
2007- October - I attend House Lost Haven's Blood Moon and Twilight, LA.
2008 - May - I attend the House Rosa Beltain ritual, planning to dedicate eventually as Dusk.
- P.
The question on the list was why are vampires associated with ancient Egypt? Of course the Kheprians claim an ancient Egyptian heritage, as do a few other vampire groups, but in popular culture, I think the link between vampires and Egypt 1st takes shape with The Hunger (1981-83).
Then I started thinking about personal influences on my views about vampires. My musings don't seem important enough to post to the list, but they are important to me, so here they are on my semi-private blog.
c. 1970 - I'm 5-6 years old. My babysitters watch the original "Dark Shadows" and think Barnabas Collins is sexy. I don't realize it until I'm in my early 20's and the remake series shows, but this original show had an impact on my subconscious. I would often dream of a crypt in a cemetary and a wooden table in an entry hall. I also imagined a blond vampire woman named Caroline. All of these images are from the original TV series.
c. 1974? - I'm probably 9 or 10? The first vampire book I read is Camilla, by Sheridan LeFanu (1871), which I get from the book mobile at school. Around this same time I also read Black Magic, White Magic and A Wrinkle in Time. These 3 books probably play a big part in influencing my beliefs and interests: vampires, witchcraft, alternate dimensions, and maybe my bisexuality. Around this time I also became lucid in my dreams. At first when I would dream of witches or vampires, I held them off with the small gold cross I wore. Once I felt I could control them in my dreams, I no longer feared them.
1976 - Interview With a Vampire, by Anne Rice, comes out. I'm 12 years old. I don't recall when I read it, but I think I may have been maybe 13 or 14?
1978 - I read Hotel Transilvania, by Chelsia Quinn Yarbro. I'm 14. The character of the Compt de St. Germain greatly influences my view of vampires, especially the idea that he could've been a real vampire and vampires could be real, living people.
1980 - I'm 16. I begin dreaming of P. and begin believing that vampires are real. Soon after, I begin having lucid dreams of being a vampire myself. Around this time I also dream of kissing an unknown man over his solar plexus and him then crying as if this had released strong emotions in him. I didn't understand his reaction then, but now I know about chakra points.
1983? - I have what I call a "shared dream" with my biology teacher, Mr. Wulff. I dream of running into his classroom in wolf form, then turning back into human form to talk with him. He says he dreamt that I ran away from home. Around this time I think I also dream of "Green Eyes", the unknown woman from whom I drank deeply and then felt filled with energy after I woke. Months or years later, I see this woman in Weinstocks, and she looks scared of me. When I watch "The Hunger" at Tower Theater with Justin, I'm aroused by the blood-sharing scene of Miriam and Suzan. I occationally make and drink a "fake blood" mixture of hot water, crushed iron supplement, egg white and salt.
1983-1989 - While in college, I have the lucid dream in which a young vampire woman with short red-dyed hair telles me Sekhmet is a "patroness of vampires". I look up the caloric value and componants of blood. I have the lucid dream in which I ask a dream guide "Am I a human pretending to be a vampire or a vampire pretending to be a human pretending to be a vampire? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I? Who am I? What am I?" The dream guide replies back, "Inanna-Lamia, Inanna-Lamia, Inanna-Lamia." At this time I theorize that real vampirism could be caused by a virus of the Herpes-Zoster family. I write as Persephone in the free ads in "The Ardvark". I get the phone call from a young woman who asks for P. by name. Toward the end of college, I dream of P. less and less.
1988 - I read Queen of the Damned while I'm on jury duty one summer. I'm taken by the name Akasha because it's so like the ones from my 2nd Lamia dream, which said 2 of the "orginal 13 witches of the world" were named "Ankh-ka" and "Ankh-con-ka" or maybe "An-Ankh-ka".
c. 1991-1992? - While working long hours alone at West Coast Laboratories, I "hear" a voice in my head that says, "The loneliness of the lighthouse". I reply mentally, "But I'm not a lighthouse." The "voice" replies back, "You will be." Around this time, I have several hypnogogic past life memories, interesting dreams, and the remote-contoled TV's turn themselves on when I walk alone into a room.
c. 1970-1990 - I usually choose to dress as a vampire-witch for Halloween. Originally it was either a vampire or a witch, but then I just wanted to be both at the same time.
c. 1992? - While working at the blood bank, I dress as a vampire-bride for Halloween, complete with bleeding "bite marks" on my neck. While working here, I dream of being offered a chance to stay with a vampire and his mother in a lucid dream. I decline, saying I have to go to work in the morning. Toward the end of my time working here, I also dream that I can sense life energy or the essense of The Goddess in vials of blood in a test tube rack.
c. 1995 - While working at Physicians Clinical Lab, I record and watch "Forever Knight" and start feeling vampiric. I dream of biting Jason and feeding a little from him. The next day he acts kind of weird toward me. I imagine he tells Maria about the dream, but I don't know for sure what he's talking about with her. Around this time, I write my poem "Trust Not Me" in honor of Jason and my "dark side". When my "blood cravings" get strong, I repress them and make them go away.
c. 1997? - I tell David about my dream vampire and explain why I avoid reading too much vampire fiction or vampire erotica. I tell him that doing this brings out a vampiric side in me that scares me. He acts like he doesn't think I'm crazy and says that when he was in the Temple of Set, they believed in a Vampire Archetype that could influence people. While I'm dating David the first time around, I sometimes feel and take in his released energy when he orgasms. I try repeatedly to dream to him and bite him in dream, but I'm never successful.
- While I'm dating Duncan, I dream of attacking and feeding from a wolfman-like monster. Duncan wakes and leaps out of bed, stares at me in horror and keeps saying, "What are you? What are you?" I get him to calm down and come back to bed. I don't tell him about my dream.
- While I'm dating David the 2nd time, I usually feel and take in his released energy when he orgasms. He says once that he's surprized I can arouse him a 2nd time so soon after he comes. I half-jokingly tell him it's because I'm a succubus.
2005 - I discover the online vampire community.
2007 - February - I take the Online Vampire and Energy-Workers Survey and decide I could actually be a vampire. I experiment with conscious psi-feeding and see a woman react uncomfortably and move to the other side of the room. July - I met my first real vampires in person. Shortly thereafter, I begin sensing energy pretty strongly and getting hunger cravings that make me feel crazy. I tell Ithril and Mojo that I think I could actually be vampiric, but I don't tell anyone else. September - Tony kicks me out of his meet-up group and I join Mojo's instead. October - I attend House Lost Haven's Blood Moon weekend and Twilight in L.A.
2007- July - I meet my first vampires in person.
2007- October - I attend House Lost Haven's Blood Moon and Twilight, LA.
2008 - May - I attend the House Rosa Beltain ritual, planning to dedicate eventually as Dusk.
- P.
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