I always think no one will ever read this blog. If they do, this entry will likely seem silly. I've been trying to figure out what I might be, as far as some kind of otherkin. Part of this search is looking into my dreams for answers. Last night, after finding that Lilitu poem and some other stuff online, I felt like I was getting close. My dream this morning had an answer too, but not what I would've expected. I'm going to post it here, mostly just so I can send it to a friend after it's been cleaned up and made more readable."Breaking the Rules and Winning the Game" (1-20-08)
- At first I'm visiting with Ozzy and Sharon Osbourn from the MTV reality show, and they're staying in a house that they're about to leave. [I'm not going into detail on this part because the dream is long enough without it. The Osbourns seem to represent people who live unconventionally and don't follow society's rules.]....
...Now this whole entourage of people start walking somewhere. I know this is a dream and decide to find out where this journey will lead. Before we get far from the house, I decide to show everybody that I can fly. I fly up and do a couple of somersaults in the air. They all see I have this ability, but they don't get upset about it, nor do they think it's especially cool.
We walk through a field of dry, yellow grass. A young man with me picks some of this grass and hands it to me. I look at it and see it has little seeds on it's stalks. I keep it in my hand.
Someone mentions bats. I look to my right and see a swarm of bats fly out of an opening in a building or rock wall, like out of a cave. When the bats come near us, I throw the dried grass I've been holding up into the air in front of them. The bats stop in mid-flight, sensing the bunch of dried grass, then move out around it and continue on to my left. I realize the bats won't hurt us, but I'm still scared they could give us rabies or something.
I stand under the eaves of a building with the man on my left. One bat separates from the rest of it's group and flies under the eaves near me. It's gray, slightly larger than a squirrel, but smaller than a rabbit or cat. It flies right next to me, in front of my chest, and brushes against me. I feel that it's fur is soft like a cat's. It seems friendly, and I'm glad this one has come to brush up against me. It leaves now to join the rest of it's group.
I look out at the other bats in the air and see they are all covered with the dry grass I threw into the air. I hope it didn't hurt them or confuse their sonar. It looks like a cloud of dry grass hovering in the air, instead of a swarm of bats.
We continue on our journey until we come to a place where the ocean or a river is on my left and the trail moves off to the right, taking a narrow path that winds around a mountain. I lag behind the rest of my group, looking at the water to my left. Someone says there's a monster made of salt water in the river and it can come out and grab people. I'm sort of scared of this monster, but I'm also drawn to the symbology of water and the ocean.
Ahead of me on the trail there's a double metal trap door in the ground and another in the side of the mountain beyond
.I realize that I'm scared of the salt water monster behind me, scared of the monster that could be inside the mountain, and scared of the trap door right in front of my feet. I decide to break the rules and fly out over the chasm in front of me, cut off the corner that goes by the double doors in the mountain, and catch up with the rest of my group.
As I fly past this turn in the path, I say to the young man who is a sort of guard at this point, "Heroes and people who break the archetypes are allowed to break the rules." I cut off the corner and land back on the trail behind the rest of my group.Now another set of doors open in the side of the mountain. A young man comes out and tells me to come with him, I wonder if the people running this test are going to try to punish me for breaking the rules. I think they can try to punish me if they want, but they won't hurt me.
I follow the young man back inside the mountain. The doors to the outside world close behind us. I ask him," What's going to happen to me? Am I going to be punished? What happens to people who break the rules?"
He stops, turns to me and says, "They win the game. The people who break the rules win the game." Then he embraces me and kisses me. I feel the warmth and affection of his embrace. I'm surprised, but happy that I made the right choice.
Then I ask him, "But what do they win?"
He says they get to be the new ruler. A woman comes from around a corner in front of us and says the rulers here rule for 18 years.
I wonder if having a set period of time means the rulers are ritually killed at the end of that period. I ask as much, and the woman says yes. I ask, "What if the person says they don't want to be the king?"
She says, "Then they have to pick someone else to rule in their place."
I think, "Great, so I'm either supposed to accept this or pick a friend to take my place." I was hoping that if I declined, then the current ruler could continue to rule and not be killed. I decide that I'll have to accept the title of ruler then, even though I don't want to be a leader.
Now two of my friends, two young women, appear beside me. The young man asks which of us would like to rule. I raise my hand and say, "I'll do it, but I'm not a ruler by nature." I say, "I'm not a leader or a follower. I go my own way. I'm the one who, when everyone else is following the path up the mountain side, says, 'Do-do-do. I'll go up this way instead," and goes up the side of the mountain."
I say, "I know what I am now," thinking of how I've been trying to figure out what I am. I say, "I'm a goat." Then I wake.
Notes + Interpretation:
Flying up and showing people that I can fly represents owning my power and not being afraid of what others will think of me.
The field of dry grass and taking some of this in my hand represents the Death part of the cycle of seasonal renewal. The grass must be dry in order for the seeds to be sown.
The swarm of bats that comes out of the cave-like opening can represent vampires, but also represents all that is comfortable in the night and darkness. The bats have sonar, so they can sense danger and obstacles in their path before these become a problem. That the bats flew in a swarm represents community (probably the vampire community). That one broke off to come investigate me shows they also have individual will and freedom. That this one was gentle, soft and brushed up against me shows that I was recognized or accepted as one of it's kind. (The bats didn't touch anyone else in the group.) I don't know why the dry grass stopped the bats, then clung to their fur and disguised them as a cloud of dry grass.
The river I pass represents movement and change, but it's also associated with the primal ocean through the symbol of the salt water monster. (Salt water represents the ocean, but also the tears that Lilitu cried in that poem I read last night. Her tears created the Tigris and Euphrates and also brought all the dead plants and the two lions back to life.) The idea of the sea monster references the idea of a primal sea serpent of creation. In this dream the monster was amorphous and could reach out with an amoeba-like arm to grab someone to eat. (This is a bit like a vampire's tendril, which can reach out to take energy from someone.) I was both scared of and attracted to this salt-water monster. I decided it could probably hurt me and decided to stay away from it. (When I'm scared of this monster here, I'm probably actually scared of being like this monster,)
Now I find myself in a conflict between wanting to move forward, being afraid to go backward, being afraid of unknown dangers that might lie ahead, being afraid of traps in my path, wanting to be part of the group, wanting to "follow the rules" and not get in trouble, and wanting to go my own way and thus own my power and free will. I decide to go my own way by flying fearlessly over the chasm and side-stepping the perceived dangers in front of me. When I say "Heroes and people who break the archetypes are supposed to break the rules, I'm referencing Joseph Campbell and Robert Moss telling how mythic heroes and shamans are expected to break the rules. I'm also referencing telling Rune this after I told him playing his RPG as an NPC felt like "cheating". I'm rewarded for this choice in this dream by being taken inside the mountain, embraced and kissed, and told that I have won the game.
I question even this reward, though, and wonder if it's something I really want. Winning this particular game means having to be a leader, having to be responsible for other people, and having to be responsible for how my actions are viewed by others. I don't really want this much responsibility, but I don't think it's fair to dump it on someone else either. I accept the responsibility of being a leader in this dream, even though I see it as a form of self-sacrifice (the reference to ritual regicide). (A person who stands out as being different and who calls attention to himself is more likely to be ridiculed or attacked than the person who hides in the shadows. The Japanese have a saying that "the nail that stands up, is hammered down.")
The woman saying that if I don't decide to be the ruler here, then I have to pick someone else to rule in my place, references the myth of Inanna's descent into the Underworld, here represented by being inside the mountain. In the myth, Inanna chooses her husband Damuzi/Tammuz to go in her place, rather than her friend and servant Ninhursag. The young man who keeps appearing in different places in this dream probably represents the Son-Lover/Dying God like Damuzi/Tammuz. In this dream, I also will not substitute a friend, but I won't substitute the young man either. I decide I will have to be the sacrifice myself - which is more in keeping with the symbology of Persephone than with that of Inanna.
I find it particularly amusing that in this dream, after I've been wanting so badly to figure out what kind of otherkin I might be, I say, "I know what I am now. I'm a goat." Of course, this doesn't mean I'm goat-kin. The term "goat" refers here to the saying that people are either wolves, sheep or goats - those who control things and do the eating, those who follow blindly and get eaten, and those who refuse to play by those rules and make up their own. It also means I'm stubborn and independent-minded. (I'm a Virgo with Capricorn rising and my moon in Scorpio.)
- Persephone
- At first I'm visiting with Ozzy and Sharon Osbourn from the MTV reality show, and they're staying in a house that they're about to leave. [I'm not going into detail on this part because the dream is long enough without it. The Osbourns seem to represent people who live unconventionally and don't follow society's rules.]....
...Now this whole entourage of people start walking somewhere. I know this is a dream and decide to find out where this journey will lead. Before we get far from the house, I decide to show everybody that I can fly. I fly up and do a couple of somersaults in the air. They all see I have this ability, but they don't get upset about it, nor do they think it's especially cool.
We walk through a field of dry, yellow grass. A young man with me picks some of this grass and hands it to me. I look at it and see it has little seeds on it's stalks. I keep it in my hand.
Someone mentions bats. I look to my right and see a swarm of bats fly out of an opening in a building or rock wall, like out of a cave. When the bats come near us, I throw the dried grass I've been holding up into the air in front of them. The bats stop in mid-flight, sensing the bunch of dried grass, then move out around it and continue on to my left. I realize the bats won't hurt us, but I'm still scared they could give us rabies or something.
I stand under the eaves of a building with the man on my left. One bat separates from the rest of it's group and flies under the eaves near me. It's gray, slightly larger than a squirrel, but smaller than a rabbit or cat. It flies right next to me, in front of my chest, and brushes against me. I feel that it's fur is soft like a cat's. It seems friendly, and I'm glad this one has come to brush up against me. It leaves now to join the rest of it's group.
I look out at the other bats in the air and see they are all covered with the dry grass I threw into the air. I hope it didn't hurt them or confuse their sonar. It looks like a cloud of dry grass hovering in the air, instead of a swarm of bats.
We continue on our journey until we come to a place where the ocean or a river is on my left and the trail moves off to the right, taking a narrow path that winds around a mountain. I lag behind the rest of my group, looking at the water to my left. Someone says there's a monster made of salt water in the river and it can come out and grab people. I'm sort of scared of this monster, but I'm also drawn to the symbology of water and the ocean.
Ahead of me on the trail there's a double metal trap door in the ground and another in the side of the mountain beyond
.I realize that I'm scared of the salt water monster behind me, scared of the monster that could be inside the mountain, and scared of the trap door right in front of my feet. I decide to break the rules and fly out over the chasm in front of me, cut off the corner that goes by the double doors in the mountain, and catch up with the rest of my group.
As I fly past this turn in the path, I say to the young man who is a sort of guard at this point, "Heroes and people who break the archetypes are allowed to break the rules." I cut off the corner and land back on the trail behind the rest of my group.Now another set of doors open in the side of the mountain. A young man comes out and tells me to come with him, I wonder if the people running this test are going to try to punish me for breaking the rules. I think they can try to punish me if they want, but they won't hurt me.
I follow the young man back inside the mountain. The doors to the outside world close behind us. I ask him," What's going to happen to me? Am I going to be punished? What happens to people who break the rules?"
He stops, turns to me and says, "They win the game. The people who break the rules win the game." Then he embraces me and kisses me. I feel the warmth and affection of his embrace. I'm surprised, but happy that I made the right choice.
Then I ask him, "But what do they win?"
He says they get to be the new ruler. A woman comes from around a corner in front of us and says the rulers here rule for 18 years.
I wonder if having a set period of time means the rulers are ritually killed at the end of that period. I ask as much, and the woman says yes. I ask, "What if the person says they don't want to be the king?"
She says, "Then they have to pick someone else to rule in their place."
I think, "Great, so I'm either supposed to accept this or pick a friend to take my place." I was hoping that if I declined, then the current ruler could continue to rule and not be killed. I decide that I'll have to accept the title of ruler then, even though I don't want to be a leader.
Now two of my friends, two young women, appear beside me. The young man asks which of us would like to rule. I raise my hand and say, "I'll do it, but I'm not a ruler by nature." I say, "I'm not a leader or a follower. I go my own way. I'm the one who, when everyone else is following the path up the mountain side, says, 'Do-do-do. I'll go up this way instead," and goes up the side of the mountain."
I say, "I know what I am now," thinking of how I've been trying to figure out what I am. I say, "I'm a goat." Then I wake.
Notes + Interpretation:
Flying up and showing people that I can fly represents owning my power and not being afraid of what others will think of me.
The field of dry grass and taking some of this in my hand represents the Death part of the cycle of seasonal renewal. The grass must be dry in order for the seeds to be sown.
The swarm of bats that comes out of the cave-like opening can represent vampires, but also represents all that is comfortable in the night and darkness. The bats have sonar, so they can sense danger and obstacles in their path before these become a problem. That the bats flew in a swarm represents community (probably the vampire community). That one broke off to come investigate me shows they also have individual will and freedom. That this one was gentle, soft and brushed up against me shows that I was recognized or accepted as one of it's kind. (The bats didn't touch anyone else in the group.) I don't know why the dry grass stopped the bats, then clung to their fur and disguised them as a cloud of dry grass.
The river I pass represents movement and change, but it's also associated with the primal ocean through the symbol of the salt water monster. (Salt water represents the ocean, but also the tears that Lilitu cried in that poem I read last night. Her tears created the Tigris and Euphrates and also brought all the dead plants and the two lions back to life.) The idea of the sea monster references the idea of a primal sea serpent of creation. In this dream the monster was amorphous and could reach out with an amoeba-like arm to grab someone to eat. (This is a bit like a vampire's tendril, which can reach out to take energy from someone.) I was both scared of and attracted to this salt-water monster. I decided it could probably hurt me and decided to stay away from it. (When I'm scared of this monster here, I'm probably actually scared of being like this monster,)
Now I find myself in a conflict between wanting to move forward, being afraid to go backward, being afraid of unknown dangers that might lie ahead, being afraid of traps in my path, wanting to be part of the group, wanting to "follow the rules" and not get in trouble, and wanting to go my own way and thus own my power and free will. I decide to go my own way by flying fearlessly over the chasm and side-stepping the perceived dangers in front of me. When I say "Heroes and people who break the archetypes are supposed to break the rules, I'm referencing Joseph Campbell and Robert Moss telling how mythic heroes and shamans are expected to break the rules. I'm also referencing telling Rune this after I told him playing his RPG as an NPC felt like "cheating". I'm rewarded for this choice in this dream by being taken inside the mountain, embraced and kissed, and told that I have won the game.
I question even this reward, though, and wonder if it's something I really want. Winning this particular game means having to be a leader, having to be responsible for other people, and having to be responsible for how my actions are viewed by others. I don't really want this much responsibility, but I don't think it's fair to dump it on someone else either. I accept the responsibility of being a leader in this dream, even though I see it as a form of self-sacrifice (the reference to ritual regicide). (A person who stands out as being different and who calls attention to himself is more likely to be ridiculed or attacked than the person who hides in the shadows. The Japanese have a saying that "the nail that stands up, is hammered down.")
The woman saying that if I don't decide to be the ruler here, then I have to pick someone else to rule in my place, references the myth of Inanna's descent into the Underworld, here represented by being inside the mountain. In the myth, Inanna chooses her husband Damuzi/Tammuz to go in her place, rather than her friend and servant Ninhursag. The young man who keeps appearing in different places in this dream probably represents the Son-Lover/Dying God like Damuzi/Tammuz. In this dream, I also will not substitute a friend, but I won't substitute the young man either. I decide I will have to be the sacrifice myself - which is more in keeping with the symbology of Persephone than with that of Inanna.
I find it particularly amusing that in this dream, after I've been wanting so badly to figure out what kind of otherkin I might be, I say, "I know what I am now. I'm a goat." Of course, this doesn't mean I'm goat-kin. The term "goat" refers here to the saying that people are either wolves, sheep or goats - those who control things and do the eating, those who follow blindly and get eaten, and those who refuse to play by those rules and make up their own. It also means I'm stubborn and independent-minded. (I'm a Virgo with Capricorn rising and my moon in Scorpio.)
- Persephone
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