Curiouser and Curiouser....

In the past year, every so often, I feel like my sense of Reality has just shifted. Probably most people will never know this feeling. The world seems pretty much the same for them day after day, year after year. When one's paradigme of reality begins to shift, though, it doesn't happen all at once. - Or at least it hasn't happened that way for me.

The first small shift came when I found there were vampire websites and forums on the Internet. The next one came after I met my first real vampires in person. The next one came when I started to think I might be one myself. The one I think I'm hitting now is from thinking on what sort of otherkin I might be and wondering if I might be nephilim or something like that.

The point I'm trying to make here isn't whether any of these things are true. It's that as I start to accept new possibilities for what can be real, my whole sense of reality is changed. It's sort of like being in your normal world one day, then waking up in an alternate reality the next day. It's sort of like being Alice in Wonderland, where nothing in this new world is quite like you'd expect it to be.

I also find that as I hit each of these new shifts in my perception of reality, the process goes in similar stages. First it's curiosity and excitement over new ideas and possibilities. Then it becomes an obsession, where I have to find out as much as I can about something. When it starts to make sense to me, I want to share what I've learned with other people. (This is a way of bringing my new, weird and wonderful knowlege into my seemingly more real world.) Then I start to get used to this new reality, so it starts to seem normal to me. Then I remember that I didn't used think this way. I get a period where I think, "Oh my God, this is real!"and I want to turn away from it to reclaim a sense of normalcy for a while. Then I accept that this new reality is just as much a part of my life as my old one was, and I intigrate it as a sort or new "normal" for me. And then, every once in a while, I have to remind myself that all of this stuff that seems normal to me now, still is not normal or accepted as real by almost everyone else.

I keep thinking I'd like to be a sort of dream-walking succubus, partly because feeding in dream can be one of the most exilerating feelings I have. Then I found that I couldn't dream-walk at will like I used to when I was in high school. I also felt a little guilty about even trying to get into the dreams of people I know. I kept trying, though.

Sunday night as I went to sleep, I tried to focus on a coworker as a target. Monday morning I had a brief dream with him in it. I told him at work that I'd dreamt of him. He said he'd dreamt of me too. That's pretty good evidence for me having dream-walked to him, I think, though his dream and mine were not quite the same. In my dream, he and I were standing inside a tent that was very much like a big four-poster bed. I don't recall the dream getting explicitly sexual, and I think that segment ended with me just shifting into another dream scene. In his dream, it was explictly sexual and ended with me falling asleep.

I think it's possible that when my consciousness leaves a dream or dream scene, this could sometimes be perceived by others in the dream as me falling asleep. I know that closing my eyes in the dream is one way that I consciously leave a scene and enter a new one. Also, one time when I seemed to terrify a woman I met in a dream and probably fed too deeply from her, she passed out in the dream and collapsed on the floor. I think I saw her in waking life later, and while she did look scared of me, she seemed otherwise fine. Maybe her passing out in the dream was her way of leaving her perceived nightmare of a vampire feeding on her?

Anyway, after talking with my coworker today and hearing his brief description of our possible shared dream, I think he wouldn't mind if I tried it again. He's already told me that I can energy-feed from him in waking life, as long as I give him candy bars as payment. I also know he's not getting as much sex as he'd like in waking life, so if I turn it into a sexual dream encounter, I could probably feed quite easily off him in dream as well. I don't think he'd mind, so I'm going to try it again, and I'm not going to let myself feel guilty about it.

Today at work he suggested I could be "one of those vampires that has sex with people in their sleep". I told him the word was "succubus". I thought that I might actually be able to do this, have the other person remember it, and thus prove to them that I can do it. This thought made me hit another one of those reality paradigme shifts. If I can do this, have another person experience it, and have them accept that it's real, then I won't just be the weird person who thinks she's a vampire or succubus. In effect, I'll really be a succubus.

Which, by the way, doesn't rule me out from being a nephilim as well. As far as I'm concerned, a succubus or incubus, dream-walking or in waking life, is just another flavor of psi-vamp. Also, at least some vampires or vampiric people are also some kind of otherkin.

- Persephone

Dream - "Breaking the Rules and Winning the Game"

I always think no one will ever read this blog. If they do, this entry will likely seem silly. I've been trying to figure out what I might be, as far as some kind of otherkin. Part of this search is looking into my dreams for answers. Last night, after finding that Lilitu poem and some other stuff online, I felt like I was getting close. My dream this morning had an answer too, but not what I would've expected. I'm going to post it here, mostly just so I can send it to a friend after it's been cleaned up and made more readable.

"Breaking the Rules and Winning the Game" (1-20-08)

- At first I'm visiting with Ozzy and Sharon Osbourn from the MTV reality show, and they're staying in a house that they're about to leave. [I'm not going into detail on this part because the dream is long enough without it. The Osbourns seem to represent people who live unconventionally and don't follow society's rules.]....

...Now this whole entourage of people start walking somewhere. I know this is a dream and decide to find out where this journey will lead. Before we get far from the house, I decide to show everybody that I can fly. I fly up and do a couple of somersaults in the air. They all see I have this ability, but they don't get upset about it, nor do they think it's especially cool.

We walk through a field of dry, yellow grass. A young man with me picks some of this grass and hands it to me. I look at it and see it has little seeds on it's stalks. I keep it in my hand.

Someone mentions bats. I look to my right and see a swarm of bats fly out of an opening in a building or rock wall, like out of a cave. When the bats come near us, I throw the dried grass I've been holding up into the air in front of them. The bats stop in mid-flight, sensing the bunch of dried grass, then move out around it and continue on to my left. I realize the bats won't hurt us, but I'm still scared they could give us rabies or something.

I stand under the eaves of a building with the man on my left. One bat separates from the rest of it's group and flies under the eaves near me. It's gray, slightly larger than a squirrel, but smaller than a rabbit or cat. It flies right next to me, in front of my chest, and brushes against me. I feel that it's fur is soft like a cat's. It seems friendly, and I'm glad this one has come to brush up against me. It leaves now to join the rest of it's group.

I look out at the other bats in the air and see they are all covered with the dry grass I threw into the air. I hope it didn't hurt them or confuse their sonar. It looks like a cloud of dry grass hovering in the air, instead of a swarm of bats.

We continue on our journey until we come to a place where the ocean or a river is on my left and the trail moves off to the right, taking a narrow path that winds around a mountain. I lag behind the rest of my group, looking at the water to my left. Someone says there's a monster made of salt water in the river and it can come out and grab people. I'm sort of scared of this monster, but I'm also drawn to the symbology of water and the ocean.

Ahead of me on the trail there's a double metal trap door in the ground and another in the side of the mountain beyond

.I realize that I'm scared of the salt water monster behind me, scared of the monster that could be inside the mountain, and scared of the trap door right in front of my feet. I decide to break the rules and fly out over the chasm in front of me, cut off the corner that goes by the double doors in the mountain, and catch up with the rest of my group.

As I fly past this turn in the path, I say to the young man who is a sort of guard at this point, "Heroes and people who break the archetypes are allowed to break the rules." I cut off the corner and land back on the trail behind the rest of my group.Now another set of doors open in the side of the mountain. A young man comes out and tells me to come with him, I wonder if the people running this test are going to try to punish me for breaking the rules. I think they can try to punish me if they want, but they won't hurt me.

I follow the young man back inside the mountain. The doors to the outside world close behind us. I ask him," What's going to happen to me? Am I going to be punished? What happens to people who break the rules?"

He stops, turns to me and says, "They win the game. The people who break the rules win the game." Then he embraces me and kisses me. I feel the warmth and affection of his embrace. I'm surprised, but happy that I made the right choice.

Then I ask him, "But what do they win?"

He says they get to be the new ruler. A woman comes from around a corner in front of us and says the rulers here rule for 18 years.

I wonder if having a set period of time means the rulers are ritually killed at the end of that period. I ask as much, and the woman says yes. I ask, "What if the person says they don't want to be the king?"

She says, "Then they have to pick someone else to rule in their place."

I think, "Great, so I'm either supposed to accept this or pick a friend to take my place." I was hoping that if I declined, then the current ruler could continue to rule and not be killed. I decide that I'll have to accept the title of ruler then, even though I don't want to be a leader.

Now two of my friends, two young women, appear beside me. The young man asks which of us would like to rule. I raise my hand and say, "I'll do it, but I'm not a ruler by nature." I say, "I'm not a leader or a follower. I go my own way. I'm the one who, when everyone else is following the path up the mountain side, says, 'Do-do-do. I'll go up this way instead," and goes up the side of the mountain."

I say, "I know what I am now," thinking of how I've been trying to figure out what I am. I say, "I'm a goat." Then I wake.

Notes + Interpretation:

Flying up and showing people that I can fly represents owning my power and not being afraid of what others will think of me.

The field of dry grass and taking some of this in my hand represents the Death part of the cycle of seasonal renewal. The grass must be dry in order for the seeds to be sown.

The swarm of bats that comes out of the cave-like opening can represent vampires, but also represents all that is comfortable in the night and darkness. The bats have sonar, so they can sense danger and obstacles in their path before these become a problem. That the bats flew in a swarm represents community (probably the vampire community). That one broke off to come investigate me shows they also have individual will and freedom. That this one was gentle, soft and brushed up against me shows that I was recognized or accepted as one of it's kind. (The bats didn't touch anyone else in the group.) I don't know why the dry grass stopped the bats, then clung to their fur and disguised them as a cloud of dry grass.

The river I pass represents movement and change, but it's also associated with the primal ocean through the symbol of the salt water monster. (Salt water represents the ocean, but also the tears that Lilitu cried in that poem I read last night. Her tears created the Tigris and Euphrates and also brought all the dead plants and the two lions back to life.) The idea of the sea monster references the idea of a primal sea serpent of creation. In this dream the monster was amorphous and could reach out with an amoeba-like arm to grab someone to eat. (This is a bit like a vampire's tendril, which can reach out to take energy from someone.) I was both scared of and attracted to this salt-water monster. I decided it could probably hurt me and decided to stay away from it. (When I'm scared of this monster here, I'm probably actually scared of being like this monster,)

Now I find myself in a conflict between wanting to move forward, being afraid to go backward, being afraid of unknown dangers that might lie ahead, being afraid of traps in my path, wanting to be part of the group, wanting to "follow the rules" and not get in trouble, and wanting to go my own way and thus own my power and free will. I decide to go my own way by flying fearlessly over the chasm and side-stepping the perceived dangers in front of me. When I say "Heroes and people who break the archetypes are supposed to break the rules, I'm referencing Joseph Campbell and Robert Moss telling how mythic heroes and shamans are expected to break the rules. I'm also referencing telling Rune this after I told him playing his RPG as an NPC felt like "cheating". I'm rewarded for this choice in this dream by being taken inside the mountain, embraced and kissed, and told that I have won the game.

I question even this reward, though, and wonder if it's something I really want. Winning this particular game means having to be a leader, having to be responsible for other people, and having to be responsible for how my actions are viewed by others. I don't really want this much responsibility, but I don't think it's fair to dump it on someone else either. I accept the responsibility of being a leader in this dream, even though I see it as a form of self-sacrifice (the reference to ritual regicide). (A person who stands out as being different and who calls attention to himself is more likely to be ridiculed or attacked than the person who hides in the shadows. The Japanese have a saying that "the nail that stands up, is hammered down.")

The woman saying that if I don't decide to be the ruler here, then I have to pick someone else to rule in my place, references the myth of Inanna's descent into the Underworld, here represented by being inside the mountain. In the myth, Inanna chooses her husband Damuzi/Tammuz to go in her place, rather than her friend and servant Ninhursag. The young man who keeps appearing in different places in this dream probably represents the Son-Lover/Dying God like Damuzi/Tammuz. In this dream, I also will not substitute a friend, but I won't substitute the young man either. I decide I will have to be the sacrifice myself - which is more in keeping with the symbology of Persephone than with that of Inanna.

I find it particularly amusing that in this dream, after I've been wanting so badly to figure out what kind of otherkin I might be, I say, "I know what I am now. I'm a goat." Of course, this doesn't mean I'm goat-kin. The term "goat" refers here to the saying that people are either wolves, sheep or goats - those who control things and do the eating, those who follow blindly and get eaten, and those who refuse to play by those rules and make up their own. It also means I'm stubborn and independent-minded. (I'm a Virgo with Capricorn rising and my moon in Scorpio.)

- Persephone

The Sumerian Legend of Lilitu

For anyone who wonders if Lilitu was truely considered a goddess,

here is a Sumerian poem about her, an agricultural/ fertility goddess.

***

http://www.lilithgallery.com/library/The_Legend_of_Lilith.html

***

Before the stars were born

Before people built great cities

The great mountain Atlen shook

And bled fiery blood

As it gave birth to Lilitu

The land all around burned

Many animals and people died

When Lilitu opened her eyes

Lilitu saw the ashes of her birth

And wept tears like rain

Lilitu's tears became rivers and streams

Flowers grew where Lilitu walked

Trees grew where Lilitu sat

The ashes became fertile soil

And an orchard became Lilitu's home

In Lilitu's orchard many animals are

People came to live in paradise

Lilitu gave them grain and taught them to harvest

Lilitu made bread and beer

The people rejoiced, ate and drank

One day a great prince came to the land of Atlen

He spied Lilitu and wooed her

But Lilitu spurned and rejected him

The great prince became very angry

He spied two lions and killed them both

Lilitu wept for the lions

She cradled their heads in her arms

The lions awoke to her tears

The lions licked away her tears and became strong

They became Lilitu's loyal friends

The great prince saw this

And again he wooed Lilitu

But Lilitu became a bird

She flew away from him

Angry, the prince began hunting birds

Lilitu saw this and was upset

To spite the prince she spat at him

And mated with a serpent

Lilitu gave birth very quickly

Her child was like no other

The child had six arms

The child had a serpent's tail

The child was very strong

Lilitu called the child a marilitu

The Marilitu attacked the great prince

The great prince and the marilitu fought

The fought day and night

For night after night

And day after day

But neither could win the fight

Lilitu saw this and mated again

Another marilitu was born

And another and another

Two hundred and sixteen were born

In fear the great prince ran away

The people of the orchard rejoiced

The marilitu's farmed the land

The marilitu's protected the people

But the great prince swore vengeance

He cursed the mountain Atlen and its land

Atlen became angry at this curse

The mountain and the land shook

Atlen shook and bled and cried

Its fiery blood made fires

And its tears made floods

Afraid Lilitu turned into a great bird

She grasped people in her feet

She carried animals on her back

The marilitu's and the lions carried people too

Together they fled the land of Atlen

Lilitu went west and east

Lilitu went north and south

Finally she came to dry land

The people thanked Lilitu greatly

The people built statues in her honour

Lilitu wept for her lost home

Her tears formed two rivers

The rivers joined together

They flowed into the ocean

The people grew grain by the river

The people grew great orchards

They built buildings and towers of stone

The people grew healthy and the land rich

Merchants from far places travelled there

News of the wealth of the land grew

The great prince heard of the land

He sent his heralds to inquire of its lady

But Lilitu fed his heralds to her lions

The great prince sent an army

But the marilitu's destroyed his army

Finally the great prince went

When he saw the beautiful orchards

When he saw the six-armed marilitus

The great prince knew the lady was Lilitu

In fear he disguised himself as a woman

The great prince went to Lilitu's temple

His disguise fooled the people

But the lions knew his scent

The two lions warned Lilitu

So Lilitu prepared a trap

Lilitu summoned thirty-six young men

She filled a hall with thirty-six silver platters

She ordered thirty-six beasts slaughtered

At last she was ready

She invited the people to the feast

People came from all over the land

The great prince came too

The great prince arrived in disguise

But Lilitu knew him eagerly

She welcomed him as an honoured guest

The great prince accepted her hospitality

He sat before all the people

The thirty-six young men were brought forth

"Please choose a man," Lilitu commanded

Not wanting to be rude the great prince chose one

Lilitu bade the great prince to sit beside the young man

The silver platters were brought forth

The people feasted on the meat of thirty-six beasts

Great gifts were brough forth

Lilitu gave the gifts to the great prince

Confused the great prince accepted

Then the feast was finally over

Curious, the great prince questioned Lilitu

"Do you always give such grand gifts to strangers?"

"Only when someone is married," Lilitu answered

Realizing what had happened the great prince became angry

He ripped off his disguise

He drew his sword and his dagger

"Why have you made me marry this man?" he demanded

"Because you can never marry me," Lilitu answered

Enraged the great prince attacked Lilitu

The two fought endlessly for Lilitu was very strong

Whenever the prince would get too bold

Lilitu would change into a bird

The great prince fell to the ground and wept in despair

The great prince professed his love

He promised that he would never quit

He prepared to cut his own throat

Finally Lilitu grew tired of this game

She felt pity for the great prince

"I will grant you one kiss," Lilitu declared

Desperate the great prince accepted

The moment the great prince's kiss had been dealt

His body flooded with life and then death

So great was the pleasure of one kiss that he died

Lilitu wept for the great prince

But the great prince remained dead

Saddened Lilitu knew she could never love

No mortal man could taste her kiss and live

Her tears brought life

But her kiss brought death

Origins of Lilith, Lamia and Djinn - part 1

(I expect to rework this entry later, but for now I just need a place to put down and organize some thoughts.)

I believe that to find the truth about something, one should look for hard external evidence as well as looking within for subjective, internal validation. External evidence might be found in a collection of anacdotal stories, in myth or legend that's backed up with archeological evidence, or possibly in science.

I've been obsessed lately with trying to find the historical origins of succubae/incubi-type beings. This obession comes recently from a desire to try to figure out what kind of otherkin I might be, but it's roots go back to the beginings of my interest in vampires.

The picture above is a reproduction in the probable original colors of a Sumarian relief sometimes thought to be an image of the goddess Inanna, sometimes thought to be of Lilith (or some earlier version of her), and sometimes thought to be of Ereshkigal, goddess of the Underworld. To understand all of these dieties/deity concepts, one first needs to look back to some of the oldest concepts of diety. Wiccans say that all the goddesses are but faces of the Great Goddess and all the gods are but faces of the Great God. I believe there is truth in this idea, both anthropologically and metaphysically. I believe there are real powers that we call dieties, but I also believe that we give form and function to these powers with the power of our belief in them. I believe that we humans are essentially co-creators (and co-destroyers) of our Reality with our gods.

Anthropological evidence strongly suggests that the first form humans gave to Deity was as the Great Mother Goddess, creator of all Life as well as of Death. Early humans lived in close contact with the inseperability of life and death. They killed animals to eat, and often those same animals killed them too. The constant renewal of the seasons and of Life itself was evident to them. Thus they must've acknowleged that whatever power brought them Life also brought Death. There was no way to avoid this dichotomy. It was just what was true and unchanging.

Early images of the Goddess also took into account the symbolism humans saw in the animal world around them. The Lioness is a gentle nurturer of her young, but also a fierce killer. Birds fly away as a soul might be envisioned to fly (and probably as shamans "flew" in dreams and visions). The Snake ventured into the hidden places of the earth, came back out again, and shed it's skin to renew itself. Thus from the Paleolithic period to the Neolithic period to the period of the first cities and writing, these animal symbols have been important aspects of our mythologies and worship.

Many of the earliest creation myths tell of some great serpent or pair of serpents who created the world out of itself/themselves. Other myths tell of later generations of deities who slew these frightful primal beings. In Assyrian mythology this primal Serpent Mother is known as Tiamat, but it has other names in other cultures. In Voudoun this is the primal couple Dahmbala and Aiyda Wedo. In Aboriginal Austraila it is the Rainbow Serpent. I don't think it's just coincidence that the same symbols show up time and again in the mythologies of diverse cultures. I think that we humans carried these themes with us as we migrated over the face of the earth, and that we gave them metaphysical/magical power as we did so.

Who is represented in the image above? The answer to this question is still unclear. We can tell by her symbols what she represents, however. The crown on her head and the ring-like objects in her hands show that she is not simply a demon, as some would argue, but a goddess. The objects in her hands have been called the Sumarian version of the Egyptian ankh, a pretty reasonable assumption since a circle usually represents eternity, as in the concept of eternal life. Her wings identify her as having a connection to the concept of Heaven, though pointing down they may also connect her to the Underworld and Death. The Lions she stands on show her to be both a protective and a destuctive diety. Likewise the owls and her talon-feet show her to be connected to darkness, wisdom, and the transcendence of death. I don't personally think she represents Inanna, because I know of no other image that shows Inanna with owl-feet. She might represent Ereshkigal, but I'm more inclined to think she represents some goddess prototype of the spirit many pagans now think of as Lilith.

For me the name "Lilith" conjures images of a patriarchal subjugation and demonization of an earlier Goddess culture that honored and respected the old symbols of eternal Life, Wisdom and Transcendence. Before the myth of the Fall in the Garden of Eden, the serpent was the guardian of the Tree of Knowledge and Eternal Life. The Old Testiment story then turns almost every symbol that was previously positive into one that is now meant to be negative. Thus, I don't like to use the name "Lilith" for this goddess or spirit, but instead prefer "Lilitu" . (I realize, of course, that modern pagans and feminists have reclaimed the name and thus the very spirit of Lilith as one with a positive character, but for my purposes I prefer the older name.)

In the ancient Sumerian language the word "lil" meant "air" or "wind". Thus, Ninlil was "Lady Air" (goddess of air and wind) and Enlil was "Lord Air" (god of air and wind). Sometime around 3000 BCE to 2400 BCE Sumerian myths mention other beings that also have this "lil" portion in their names.

One myth tells of a sacred tree with a bird nesting in it's top branches, a serpent entwined in it's roots, and a female spirt called either Lilitu", "Lilake" or "Kisikil-lillake" hidden within it's very trunk. As the story goes, the young goddess Inanna wanted to make a throne and a bed out of this tree, but was frightened by the creatures in it. (That a Goddess of Heaven and Earth would be frightened by a couple of animals and a possible demoness seems odd, unless this is a later version of the myth with its own patriarchal twist.) She calls on the hero-king Gilgamesh to split open the tree and drive away the "demoness" inside it. What's odd, though, is that Gilgamesh is himself said to have been fathered by a "Lilu" demon and in part of the story of his great deeds, Inanna sends her handmaiden, an "adrat lilitu" to seduce and civilize the wild man Enkidu. That the the "lilitu" or "wind-demoness" is seen as both threatening to Inanna and as her servant seems contradictory. Also in Akkadian(?) writings the "adrat lilitu" seem to be young women who work as sacred prostitutes in the temples of Inanna/Ishtar, going out into the streets to bring men into the temples.

In later Akkadian magical writings a "lilu"or "irdu lili" is described as a male "wind-demon" or incubus, a "lili", "lilitu" or "ardat lili" is a female "wind-demon" or succubus, and men who waste away for no apparent reason are called "bridegrooms" of the ardat lili.

Compare this concept to that of the Hebrew demoness Lilith and her children (both male and female), the lilim.
(more later)

- Persephone